Yes I am back and yes, this is what I choose to talk about.
Vaginal Lubrication (gasp!)
Can we just all take a moment and talk about the power of the Vagina and how amazing it is when you actually get to use it?
Look, if you want to know what I have been up to as an olah chadisha all you have to do is follow me on social media. I mean look at my Instagram or Facebook, it’s basically me trying to build a business in a place that has some of the most amazing hair in the world and some of the most beautiful people, but where being a professional cosmetologist is not placed on the pedestal that I’m used to, sometimes I feel like everyone and anyone is doing hair which makes it extremely tough to make a living when you have been doing it professionally and at an upscale level for twenty plus years (my blog, my narrative.) You will also get to see me trying to maintain my sanity with yoga and trying to burn and sweat out the weekly shabbat wine with a good workout via Rollerskating and Barre. You’ll see me hustling to pay my bills so I can remain in my beautiful apartment by the sea. (Oh by the way, “that roommate situation” that I told you about a few post ago didn’t work out because my roommate ended up being bat shit crazy but that is a whole different post that will probably never happen). It’s not something that is worth my energy at this moment or at any moment ever because it all worked out in the end and life happens the way it is supposed to happen.
So back to the subject I wanted to write about…..
Look, in the States, I was a Pure Romance consultant (briefly) where I learned a lot about myself and also a lot about women, humans, and sex. The most valuable lesson that I taught when I did “sexual education” parties was how to play safe and keep your vagina in one piece ( I mean it’s with us for many years).
The key to a healthy vajayjay or as I like to say (don’t repeat me ok, ’cause it’s a trashy word) “manoush,” is to make sure that you are keeping the PH levels of your vagina balanced with lubrication when you are having sex or anything (I don’t care if it’s just a pinky finger) even near the golden castle.
I gave you this quick back story because that is going to help me explain to you why the hell I was searching for some lube after almost loosing my vagina to a wild night (my vagina almost lost her life). Being a cancer survivor, I want no part of crazy chemicals especially in my vagina-oh hell no. So I hightailed it to my partner in crime’s house (you know who you are) and asked her what lubricant she uses with her husband? She then proceeded to tell me that she does not use lubricant. Come again, I say….. I’m like what? No thanks I say to her knowing good and well I don’t need a fire in my golden castle. Never mind I mumble under my breath as I whip out my phone and go to doctor Google. We (the good doctor and I) decide that if I do not want to get an STD, I cant use coconut oil, mineral oil, butter or margarine (who the hell would do that), olive oil ( I mean what the fuck, I’m not making a salad) with latex as those things break down the latex and can cause a condom (yes, a condom) to break. I mean I guess you can always use a little spit lube but, but, but (I’m starting to panic now) what if he has halitosis?
Ok, I can do this I say to myself as I down a shot of vodka from my nameless friend’s liquor cabinet and proceed to go to my favorite grocery store armed and ready to admit that I, yes I, am having sex. I mean it’s a feeling between guilt and buying that large box of pads ( you know what I’m talking about ladies). But guilt? Why do I feel guilty? No idea, but at this point, I literally, am thanking goodness my local store has no condoms or lube, whew I dodged that possible awkward moment. I mean what, I’m going to put the lube next to my eggplant and cucumbers. ( I literally just giggled out loud). Next stop is across the street to the pharmacy and here we go.
I walk into the pharmacy and there he stands, “the” Israeli pharmacist on the phone having a conversation in some Arabic/ Hebrew mix. Ah fuck, I say to myself, now I’m about to give him a heart attack. How the fuck do I say lube in Hebrew? Well maybe I just won’t ask I tell myself (I’m so sorry but I have to admit that this experience had me talking to myself like crazy) I’ll just walk around and look like I know where I’m going (although I probably looked more like I was casing the joint). It’s a small pharmacy so he could see me the whole time so you can not imagine how I was so relieved to have found the condom section so quickly and voila…. lube.
Man, I tell you as soon as I started reading the different options, he came up and just stared at me. I looked up at him and said in my best Hebrew… “Shalom, ani tzrika zeh arbeh.. meod.” What the hell. OMG, that was the ice breaker- he lifted his eyebrow and was like really.. you do? (Yes fucker, I need it.) “ken”, I say in my most non sexy (almost masculine) voice. He walked away so I could finish reading in peace and Google translating everything in between. This was such a crazy emotion for me, because I am so not shy however, it was just a new experience for me in a new country and I can’t explain it, but I felt like a kid or something.
The great Doctor Google told me to get water soluble lubricant because guess what people, it feels most like your actual body fluids but noooo, I just had to double-check and get a second opinion before buying 30 shekls worth of vagina water (my vagina won’t be thirsty ever again I said to myself). So back to the man I went, sigh. Excuse me… can this go with this as I pick up a 30 pack of Durex condoms.. Really Chaya, did you, no, I mean, did you really pick up the value pack? His eyes got big and he tilted his head and nonchalantly stated.. Yeah, sure/betach. Okay, I say to him. I swear we had this weird awkward silence and I say I’m sorry sir, I have been here 11 months without lubricant and I need it.” Mah la-asot”, he says ( what can you do). Thirty shekels later, I was skipping out of the pharmacy with a water-based product called Optilube. I took it to my friend’s house and immediately opened the product and put it on my wrist like it was perfume and told my friend to feel it and there we were, in her living room laughing, knowing that in a couple of days I’ll have an amazing story to tell ( I mean if I were a kiss and tell type of girl….).
The moral of this story is that there isn’t one. I’m a girl living in a new country doing what tons of girls have done but with a twist. I want to inspire anyone who needs the motivation and let them know sex is natural and beautiful and the absolute best especially when you play safe and that includes keeping a moist vagina and a great sense of humor. I also want to shout out to any cancer survivors that don’t think they can get their sexy back after chemo or surgery or fear of the unknown. It can be done, believe me I have tried and it is being done.