Slumlord diplomacy

First, you must devalue the property. Get it condemned, if you can. Or, if you’re the president of the United States, just condemn it yourself. Tell the world it’s really a horrible place, just a pile of rubble. No one can live there, anyway. Imply, if you can, that the people who used to live there, before it became a pile of rubble, are all criminal illegal aliens. Oh, they have been living there for generations? Well, they look shifty, don’t they?

Next, sell the dream: Once it’s redeveloped, the property will be beautiful. So beautiful. Orange and pink sunsets every evening over the shiny beachfront homes and hotels. A giant Trump tower gleaming right in the middle of the skyline.

You’ll have to displace some people; of course you will. That’s just the way the real estate business works. They always find someplace else to live. Or those homeless ones will just go be homeless elsewhere. It’s not really your problem once you’ve managed the cut-rate buy-out. But just to show you’re a nice guy, you’ll pretend to offer some of them the chance to buy into the new development, giving them a nice discount. Or maybe you’ll build some slapped-together apartment complexes for lower income families a bit inland, where the breeze from the ocean is blocked by the new luxury units. By lower income, you mean both parents working two jobs just to pay the rent.

Really, you’re not forcing people from their homes, you’re cleaning the place up. The rest of the region should be thanking you. And it will all be voluntary (wink, wink). Forget that hostile take-over and the ensuing turn-over of the property to a third party. It will all be done according to the very best slumlord code of conduct.

And if you’re the prime minister of the county meant to undertake the clean-up before turning over the keys to your new slumlord friend, try your best to keep the drool from staining your tie. Your minions back home are already wetting their pants in anticipation. They have an entire army awaiting with friendly eviction orders.

Here, as any slumlord can tell you, is where things might get tricky. For example, you’ll discover there might be a fine line between cleaning and cleansing – or even ethnic cleansing, an accusation that’s already been made. Even if you don’t care about being perceived as a racist, there are still basic rules about these things.

Normally, as a slumlord, you can simply evict people who stop paying rent. But if you want to urban-renew the pile of rubble you’ve just acquired, you’ll have to find some creative ways of getting its citizens to leave “voluntarily.” Putting blame aside, you can hardly claim the original homeowners trashed the place themselves. On the other hand, you don’t want to pay them anything for giving you the keys to what is currently a worthless pile of twisted metal, pulverized concrete and shredded tarmac, sprinkled with unexploded ordinance. And a lot of sand and a few kilometers of pretty beach.

And now you’ve hit a real snag. Because you tried to suggest some housing alternatives, while spreading the risk and costs around. But your idea, let’s say it’s hit a bit of a NIMBY problem. The homeowners where you plan on dumping that excess population are not too fond of slumlords, and they see no reason to help you with your “voluntary” eviction plans. Really, don’t ask them, even if it means some people they supposedly care for will have to remain living in rubble worse than slums for the time being.

I say, if you’re going to be a slumlord in Gaza, do it all the way. Don’t ask permission; don’t get planning approval; just march in and set up some shady factories and tenements, and throw in a greasy burger joint on the corner for good measure. Send a nice white man in a suit to shake the hands of the new tenants and hand them a card with a phone number that will always be busy. And, with your “clean-up” in your own country, you’ll have your pick of tenants. Honestly, your profits will be just as high as those from the luxury hotels that will have little occupancy, or the vacation homes that you’ll end up selling for half their value. No, slums are definitely the way to go if you want a real estate deal in Gaza. Well. Beautiful slums – so beautiful! It will literally be the best bang for your buck.