Adele Raemer
Life on the Border with the Gaza Strip

Surviving Suicide: Losing Laurie

On November 13th, 2008, around noontime, my life changed forever. Losing the love of your life to depression-induced suicide is NOT the same as losing your loved one to a physical disease. It’s NOT. An ill person fights back, even if passively. A person who commits suicide has given up. Not only on himself, but also on his loved ones.

I know he was in terrible pain.

I know he was frightened by the prospects of having to deal with this abhorrent bipolar roller-coaster of formidable yet exhilarating highs and then the inevitable, devastating lows for the rest of his days.

As if that were not challenging enough, Cancer flippantly tossed itself into the equation, gnawing away at his back, pushing him over the edge.

But I also know that the fact that he gave up his fight for survival means that I – that WE – were not enough to love for, to fight tooth and nail to survive for. Is it selfish of me to think so? Maybe.

But it was selfish of him to leave.

He promised me; swore to me, he would never hurt himself.

He lied.

Laurie used to ask me: “How much do you love me?”

My staple response was always: “Twice as much as yesterday, half as much as tomorrow.”

What happens when there are no more “tomorrows”?

Losing Laurie Photo from a project by Yuval Shifroni
Losing Laurie
Photo from a project by Yuval Shifroni
About the Author
Born in the USA, Adele has lived in a Kibbutz on the border with the Gaza Strip since 1975. She is a mother and a grandmother living and raising her family on the usually paradisaical, sometimes hellishly volatile border. She is affiliated with "The Movement for the Future of the Western Negev", for sanity's sake. She also moderates a FB group named "Life on the Border". https://goo.gl/xcwZT1 Adele is a teacher of English as a Foreign Language, as well as a teacher trainer and counselor for the Israeli MoE for EFL and Digital Pedagogy. She blogs here about both Life on the Border, as well as about digital pedagogy, in "Digitally yours, @dele". She has recently become a devoted YouTuber on the topic of digital stuff. (https://goo.gl/iBVMEG) Her personal channel covers other issues close to her heart (medical clowning, Life on the Border, etc.) (https://goo.gl/uLP6D3) In addition, she is a trained medical clown and, as any southern clown would do, clowns as often as she can in the pediatric ward in the hospital in Ashkelon. She was recently included among the Haaretz "Ten Jewish Faces who made Waves in 2018" https://goo.gl/UrjCNB.
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