The difference between real caring and fake caring

There’s a dramatic difference between caring for someone and projecting the appearance of caring for someone, all the while using that other person as a tool. And when the tool is no longer needed, it is discarded. When we meet someone who clearly cares for us, there’s always that risk it’s just a game to use our emotions, our assets, whatever it is they’re after, and then discard us. It’s cynical, yes, but such is life. No pink pony show, unless you take some stuff to open you up to existential exegeses.

How can we tell the difference between someone who cares for us and someone who doesn’t even see us as a human being, but more like an ATM to use and abuse however our partner pleases? The difference between cynicism masking as care and actual care. Well, it takes time. No easy way to tell and if you’re wrong, you’re going to antagonize someone who really cares about you. Use your best judgment to figure out if the person you’re in love with actually loves you back or it’s just a one-sided game with you used as a source of supply, be it emotional, financial, whatever. A psychological pawn, basically.

Certain conditions have a bad reputation. There’s a reason for it. Narcissism is one such condition, of course, but find me someone who isn’t at least a bit narcissistic these days. Then, there’s psychopathy or sociopathy and finally the borderline personality disorder. While these mental conditions differ, they have one thing in common: using their social circle – partners in particular – as emotional punching bags, as energetic ATMs. At some point, the energetic ATM is going to run out of supply and these people then move on to another target or victim.

The discard phase is extremely painful. You imagine your life together with your partner, all is going well, and then, you’re told that you’re nothing to them. You’re told that they are leaving. Your world collapses. It doesn’t make any sense. Why are they so abusive all of a sudden? You haven’t done anything wrong. You haven’t cheated. Why are they so mean? It’s like a different person has possessed them. That’s cause they have a new source of supply and they are moving on. You’re no longer needed. You’ve served your purpose. It’s cruel, it’s terrible, but that’s what they often do. Trying to reason with them, to appeal to them, even threaten them, is not going to change anything. In fact, they are going to use your threats against you. If you try to play nice, all they are going to see is a groveling guy to be derided and mocked. Ya, it’s pretty crazy. Best thing one can do is move on and don’t look back. Pay attention to red flags. Does your potential partner actually care about you? Maybe you’re just a tool to be used and thrown away when your potential partner feels like you’ve served your purpose? No need for paranoia but you just might dodge the bullet if you ask yourself: do they really care about me or it’s just a performance to make me think they care about me?

Pathological narcissists, sociopaths (shaped by society, not genetics, have a strong sense of identity) and psychopaths (genetic aka born this way) are pretty much incorrigible. Borderlines, how they are labeled as callous and manipulative is hurtful and unfair. There’s a lot of goodness and compassion in them and all we need to do is show them they aren’t and won’t be abandoned. That doesn’t change the fact any kind of a close relationship with them is a rollercoaster ride. Borderlines aren’t easy to deal with and are known for daring and impulsive acts. It takes quite the character to deal with the borderline partner. Now, many borderlines, maybe most, have their favorite person. A parental figure and a source of guidance and comfort. What’s rather disconcerting here is that borderlines can’t really control who becomes their FP and they don’t ask you to agree to be their FP. The role of FP is forced upon you. Congratulations. You’re the chosen one, though that’s not necessarily a good thing. Until they find another favorite person, that is, and who knows how long that’s going to take. Can be a week, can be years. ”You’re my favorite person” could well be a horror movie title. And real horrors are happening all around us. Enslaving. Extermination. Eradicating identities. Anyone who tries to stop genocide, openly or secretly, God bless. As Tadeusz Borowski wrote: ”This way for the gas, ladies and gentlemen.” Auschwitz didn’t just fall from the sky. I used to be mad at enhanced interrogation techniques. Now I know there’s no other way sometimes. Taking the moral high ground won’t help us. It’s brutal, it’s cruel and unusual, but so are our enemies.

I have all sorts of conversations with my friends. For example – if you’re a favorite person of a borderline (God have mercy), then the borderline saving you would be doing so out of selfishness or genuine care, even love? As the FP, they depend on you for their well-being (I’m selfish and the thought of someone choosing me as their FP scares me). I enjoy these kinds of chats with my friends and acquaintances. Rolling your eyes there, chief? Oh, well. As you can see, telling if someone really cares or just plays mind games is almost always hard. In response to my blog post on figuring out motives, my honorary-Seoul-citizen friend (and some trolls keep alleging he’s a CIA agent) Casey Lartigue said, ”I never think about why others are doing what they are doing. I can never figure it out,  can’t really believe people even when they state their motives, and in many cases they may not understand their own motives.” That’s worth taking into account.

I’m a bit of a troll myself, absurdist hilarity ensues every day in some setting.