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Nicole Kuttler

The Fear of Fear

I live in Haifa and, so far, I have felt blessed with relative peace and quiet. Since the beginning of the war, we were target of only a few missile attacks. That changed about a month ago, when attacks and alerts became more frequent.

Last night, October 6, 2024, Haifa was attacked again. This time, the “booms” were stronger than ever. As I sat in my building’s shelter, surrounded by my neighbors, I heard the word “nefila” (in Hebrew: fall). Three different rockets struck Haifa, only a few kilometers away from were I live.

Today is October 7th, 2024, and we- Am Israel, are one year into this nightmare. In my life, fear has gained a new meaning.

About a month ago, after one of my first visits to the shelter, I wrote the following reflection on my phone’s notes:

“Fear of hearing the red alert and having to run to the shelter
Fear of not hearing the red alert and not making it to the shelter in time to be safe from danger

Fear of going to sleep at night and not being able to hear the red alert
Fear of not going to sleep at night and being too tired to go to work

Fear of hiding my fear from friends and colleagues and being perceived as rude, irritable or elusive
Fear of expressing my fear to friends and colleagues and being perceived as anxious, paranoid, and lacking proportions

Fear of calling my friends and family abroad, answering their questions, sharing too much, and causing them to panic, which in turn leads me to panic
Fear of not calling my friends and family abroad and dealing with all of this on my own

Fear of looking at the news too much and going down a spiral of worries
Fear of not looking at the news and missing an important update for my safety

Fear of packed streets and markets that make me feel vulnerable
Fear of empty streets and markets that make me feel like I missed some update in the news, and should be inside

Fear of admitting my fear when others have it so much worse
When I should be grateful for the Iron Dome
When I should be grateful for our technology
When I should be grateful for my safety
When it really could be so much worse

Fear of watching a movie
Fear of taking a shower
Fear of falling asleep
Fear of going outside
Because there could be a red alert
But our enemies want us to be afraid- it’s psychological warfare
And I’m afraid of letting them to win
Which in turn makes me afraid, of being afraid

Fear of every notification
Of every call and SMS
Every single beep
Of every ambulance and police siren
Of the motorcycles and their roaring noise

The airplanes above that keep us safe
The airplanes above that remind us that there is war

Fear of the dreaded “but you chose to live there”
“If it’s that bad, then move somewhere else?”
Fear of having to explain that I am scared of living in Israel
But I am more scared of leaving Israel.”

About the Author
Nicole Bery is a 28 year old Ecuadorian-Israeli. She was recently released from the army after a three year long service as a lone soldier. She has an MA degree in Sustainable Development from Tel Aviv University and a BA in Government, Diplomacy and Strategy from Reichman University.
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