The 4 daughters

We all know about the four sons at the seder. I would like to introduce you to the four daughters who are in the shadows on seder night, but are very active during the week leading up to Pesach.

The חכמה, the wise one asks: what are the laws of chametz, kashering, kitchen preparation, ingredient mixtures, bitul? What are the bigger concepts of chametz and matzah? What do I need to clean? Which categories of goods can be bought without additional hechsherim? She invests a lot of energy into the conceptual understanding and less into the cleaning frenzy. Some might regard her as being mechanical and just interested in the letter of the law. She will explain everything that she does, but you might still be uncomfortable with it. In her house, the particulars change year by year, as she learns and applies different concepts.

The רשעה, wicked one, comes in two flavors, with two different questions: why are you driving yourself crazy over the ancient laws and rituals? Just eat a box of matzah and you’ll be fine! Actually, matzah is bad for digestion, so skip it.

The other version of her is convinced that the only way to do Pesach is HER way. Everyone else is either too stringent, or too lenient. She will not eat in anyone’s house because they are crazy and they have no idea how to do these things properly.

Both of these make for extremely unpleasant interactions.

The תמה, simple one, asks: what do I do? Give me a checklist of how to kasher everything. Give me a list of what products I can buy. Give me a pointer as to what I have to clean. Give me a bullet point presentation on what to do for the seder, and the times by which every step needs to be done.

The first two daughters scoff at her simplicity. The men, who spent all their time learning the laws, but do not need to apply them, shake their heads: does she even know what she is doing? How can you rely on her making Pesach if she asks the same “just tell me what to do” question every year? Of course, even this does not motivate them to get up and help, because the dynamic works much better when they are wise ones and she is the simple one.

And שאינה יודעת לשאול, the one who does not even know how to ask, is the daughter who either was never taught about Pesach and feels utterly overwhelmed, or the one who discovered that the way she was taught to make Pesach no longer makes sense, but she does not know how to change that. She needs to be offered multiple resources. To her, the concept that there are checklists, emails, charts, publications that simplify and streamline things is not a given. She gets lost in the rarefied Hebrew of Pesach classes and feels that none of them are for her. She needs one-on-one talks, and a lot of pastoral and friendly support stating that she can do it, and make a successful Pesach.

All four of these daughters exist this week. At different points in our lives, we take on the attributes of various daughters. Do not belittle them or alienate them. Embrace them and support them.

And elevate them at your seder.