The Israelis Are Behind it All (Satire)

Those Israelis, they’re using their infinite money and power to try and influence our pure nation and use us to achieve their shadowy ends. Our unsuccessful war with Iran was started by this shadowy cabal of outside Israeli influences. Our failure to achieve our goals in the war was also caused by this meddling.

They control the politicians I disagree with. They spend their money to buy our leaders. They sow chaos and strife to achieve their goals at our expense. We are a great nation, but we’re being betrayed by the Israelis, and we’d be doing perfectly if it wasn’t for them.

I am the only person who can stop them, and in order to save the great US of A, you must give me the power to do so.

Every person who defends or likes Israel is actually a Mossad Agent. They’re buying up our college kids and making fake Reddit accounts to spew their lies. They buy up our newspapers to support their views. They use AI to fake evidence, nothing they say can be believed, no matter what it is.

They control Hollywood, all our politicians, and all our banks.

I hear Epstein was tight with a former PM of Israel, what else can you expect from a guy with that last name.

They control the news. They lie to us and hide the information that they don’t want us to see.

I once heard that the Mossad is everywhere. They’re listening to every word. They were dancing during 9/11, October 7th was a false flag attack to justify wiping out the Palestinians, they created Hamas and brought them into power, they’re using dogs to rape their prisoners.

They’re coming for us all.

It’s all a conspiracy. They’re there in the shadows. They’re coming for us. Only I can see it, and only together can we stop them.

For anyone confident in the future of Judaism in the United States, let me know if I wrote this piece to make fun of Mamdani, or Vance. Or Stalin, or Goebbels. Or Lula, or Rodriguez.

I’ll get back to you when I figure it out.