The ‘Knowing’ Myth: Can You Identify a Soulmate?

What if the very cornerstone of romantic love, as we’ve been sold, is a venomous illusion? Those tales of an electrifying encounter, of ‘knowing’ with absolute certainty that the person before us is our destined mate – do these claims echo any truth, or are they insidious delusions that profoundly mislead us? Ponder this: if this ‘knowing’ were genuine, why do countless souls still wander in endless pursuit, why haven’t they found ‘the one’ yet? Why do so many marriages, once built on this delirious ideal of unshakable certainty, shatter like fragile glass? Are we clinging to a destructive myth, a cunning lie that not only fails to deliver, but actively sabotages our capacity to forge and sustain authentic relationships?”

To gain a deeper understanding of this topic, let us examine some ancient Jewish wisdom. In its ancient wisdom, the Talmud declares, “Forty days before the formation of a child, a heavenly voice proclaims, ‘The daughter of so-and-so is destined for so-and-so'” (Sotah 2a). This proclamation of a preordained connection, a celestial weaving of destinies, finds further resonance in Kabbalistic teachings, which reveal that each soul possesses a male and female counterpart, separated at birth, yearning for reunion. Yet, this sacred concept appears to have been profoundly distorted. It has been twisted into a seductive delusion, granting humans an imagined, infallible ability to recognize their destined partner upon meeting them. And so, we must ask: what is the source of this venomous perception? Are those who perpetuate this catastrophic delusion aware of the wounds they inflict?”

A heart-wrenching plea once reached me, a desperate cry from a young woman convinced she had found her destined partner. “I met a man,” she sobbed, “he’s my soulmate, I’m certain. We’re meant to be together, but he refuses to see it. What am I to do?” Her words were a testament to a deeply ingrained belief, a conviction that his rejection irrevocably condemned her to a life of desolate solitude. A palpable terror held her captive, a fear that settled like a cold weight in her chest, pleading to be lifted. I pressed her, “Are you a prophet, privy to divine revelation? Who guaranteed the accuracy of your emotional intuition? On what authority do you have to make this claim with such unwavering certainty?”

This experience revealed to me a profound, divinely inspired lesson: human beings possess an innate capacity to forge intense emotional connections with potential partners. When this natural inclination intertwines with the seductive myth of the soulmate, it can conjure the illusion of recognizing a long-lost counterpart. However, this fleeting experience is not a reliable indicator of destiny. Founding a marriage solely on this fleeting certainty significantly increases the potential for its eventual collapse into disillusionment. ‘If we are soulmates,’ they lament, ‘why is the marriage becoming increasingly difficult?’ They become ensnared in a self-constructed fantasy, believing their supposed soulmate should effortlessly reflect their every desire, neglecting the essential work of cultivating a lasting relationship. Thus, they may erroneously conclude they erred, ultimately questioning their initial belief in being soulmates.”

To grasp the soulmate concept, let’s consider a parallel Kabbalistic ideal taught by the Arizal: parents, before naming their child, receive divine inspiration, mirroring the name already assigned in heaven. While some parents claim they consciously experience this inspiration, many remain oblivious. Some simply choose a name based on personal preference, or even a simple guess. The Creator is more than capable of manifesting His plans in a myriad of ways; regardless of subjective experience, the outcome remains divinely ordained. This principle applies equally to finding a life partner. There is no need to seek someone who ignites a unique, undeniable feeling of certainty. Instead, a partner should be chosen based on their potential for mutual growth, genuine attraction, and shared values. It’s entirely possible that a soulmate will not manifest as a dramatically different experience than one may have with other candidates. What distinguishes a soulmate from all others is their arrival at the right time and place, when both individuals are determined to initiate their first marriage. When this occurs, and the marriage ceremony is complete, the couple can be assured they are destined for each other; otherwise, heaven would not have sanctioned their union.

A young man, his face creased with uncertainty, once sought my counsel, wrestling with the age-old question of soulmate destiny. “I met a woman,” he confessed, his voice laced with doubt, “she’s kind, I like her, and she wants to marry me. But I’m haunted by the nagging question: is she truly ‘the one’?” I countered with a series of decisive questions, culminating in this: “Imagine you were compelled to spend your life with her. How would that feel?” His response was immediate and unequivocal: “That would actually be quite nice!” My advice was clear: “Propose immediately!” He took my advice, and I’m delighted to share that, thank God, they have since built a vibrant, thriving family.”

True, lasting love and connection are not born instantly; they are cultivated through shared experiences, both joyful and painful. Consider the Menorah, the seven-branched candelabrum of the Holy Temple, fueled by pure olive oil. Parshat Tetzaveh instructs, “And you shall command the children of Israel, that they bring you pure olive oil BEATEN for the light, to cause the lamp to burn always.” (Exodus 27:20). Just as the Menorah’s light requires beaten olives, so too does deep love require immense personal refinement. Thus, the initial passionate flames of every relationship inevitably fade, and the lasting radiance of a relationship emerges gradually, over time, through unwavering patience, diligent effort, and shared moments of difficulty. Therefore, when someone asks, “How can I love someone who caused me so much pain?” The answer, quite the contrary, is that only after one endures their partner’s inflictions does their true love begin to shine.”

Perhaps for this reason, the Talmud strongly discourages divorcing one’s first spouse (Gittin 90b), positing that they are inherently one’s true soulmate. Even when physically separated, their destinies remain inextricably linked. While they may find temporary contentment with others, their spiritual path is significantly hindered if they fail to reconcile. This connection exists regardless of conscious recognition. Therefore, if reconciliation proves impossible, no subsequent partner can truly be considered a soulmate. Though they may find companionship and even joy with another, perhaps surpassing their initial experience, nevertheless, an irreplaceable spiritual dimension remains exclusive to life shared with ‘the one,’ even if another seems more appealing.”

If you are among the fortunate few whose initial connection resonated with their spiritual destiny, cherish that sacred blessing. But please, I implore you, dismantle the myth that people could expect absolute certainty in recognizing ‘the one.’ For those yet to marry, your soulmate awaits, poised to enter your life when you are truly ready. It won’t necessarily arrive with a thunderclap of recognition, but as a genuine connection to a promising partner who shares your values and aspirations. Once you commit and marry, embrace the certainty that this person is your soulmate. If you have parted from your first spouse, urgently consider a path to reconciliation, for there lies a unique spiritual bond. Should reconciliation prove utterly impossible, do not give up hope. A deeply fulfilling relationship may still be found, even if it is not with your destined soulmate. Ultimately, remember that true love is not a fleeting fantasy, but a deliberate, lifelong endeavor, forged in the crucible of shared existence, and sustained by unwavering commitment.