The Lost Art of Civility

Over the past few years, I have seen an alarming rise in incivility within the Jewish community. Public excoriations, mass emails about clergy behavior, anonymous postings. Whether it is a small group of congregants trying to oust a Rabbi or a Rabbi publicly criticizing an institution with condemnatory language, we seem to be feeling the freedom to say whatever we think, anywhere and to everyone. Without thinking of the impact of our words. Are they harmful? Helpful? Kind? 

I am reminded that the Rabbis of the Talmud tell us that the Temple was destroyed because of our verbal cruelty and willingness to humiliate. That is how we eat ourselves from the outside in.

In my work as a psychologist, I loved seeing couples. Couples work is far and away the most challenging work for a therapist. Couples often hope that the 3rd party will take sides, support one person or position over another. But good therapists know that the real client in couples work, whether it is partners, parent and child and even within the work environment, is the relationship. It is the job of the couples therapist to support the relationship, to help people come closer or move apart. With civility. Without destruction. 

There are two distinct types of conflict. Some fights are to be understood, to be seen. You need to hear how I feel, what I believe. These fights don’t require raised voices or nasty words. They are disagreements in service of closeness. They may focus on simple things, like how I load the dishwasher or how fast you drive, or even on more deeply held beliefs, like how we spend money or how we parent our children. They can be heated but they are in service of intimacy. In fact, quarreling civilly is a form of intimacy. I don’t quarrel with people I don’t care about. 

The other kind of fight is designed to be destructive. The goal is to win, which must cause the other to lose. These fights undermine trust and closeness. They don’t build bridges to a shared understanding of how we might be different. They limit closeness because they are full of implicit threats – threats to leave, threats to harm, threats of contempt. They are much more likely to end in slammed doors, silenced partners or nasty words. In these fights, the ultimate loser is always the relationship.

Social Science research tells us that fully 30% of Americans have a family relationship that has ended. Estrangement happens more and more frequently, as we demand that others support our positions – on parenting, on politics, on Israel. I don’t know about you, but I am unwilling to lose my children or close friends to a disagreement about any of these things. I cannot imagine acting intentionally to destroy a reputation, or sending a mass email to undermine clergy. These undermine the community when we need it most – facing rising antisemitism and family estrangement. We need each other. 

Recently I facilitated a discussion on morality and ethics. We asked (and were unable to answer) lots of questions: Is nationalism moral? What is the impact of shame in the development of morality? Are there universal morals or ethics? One question we didn’t ask: is civility a form of morality? My answer is yes. Treating others with respect is the behavior of moral people. 

Moral systems build community and connection. Civility allows for disagreement, and civil discussions build understanding. We need to build bridges with other people, Jews and non-Jews. I hope that disagreements can lead to deeper understanding, not incivility. 

So what should we do? Pause before you speak. Be sure what you’re about to say or do is actually necessary. Don’t send every email you write. As a therapist, I used to recommend that people write letters they knew they were not going to send. Set a standard of self-control and stick to it. Build bridges.

Let’s not destroy the Temple all over again.