The Menopause Moment

A number of years ago, as a newly minted graduate of Yeshivat Maharat, I received my first official niddah (family purity) query.

I spent an entire year learning the intricate details of the halakhot (laws) themselves and their methods influence on Jewish marriage, sex and relationships.

I was ready to dazzle the questioner with my erudite Halakhic reasoning coupled with my values of sex positivity. I would be able to finally practically use my knowledge and strong held belief that any gynecological procedure resulted in an injury (makka)  did not impart a niddah status. But before launching into my schpiel— I paused and asked her the first pertinent question –

‘What was the date of your last period?’

(a question by the way I think my doctors will keep asking all women until the age of 99!)

She answered that she really didn’t know but that she was indeed post menopausal. So all my excitement to share my knowledge and pastoral skill abruptly came to an end. And any strictly halakhic response most certainly was not needed. I wished her well with the procedure and a Refu’ah Sh’leimah – a complete and speedy recovery.

Menopause is definitely having a moment in our culture. From Oprah’s ‘Menopause Summit’ to the very popular ‘We Do Not Care Club’ and its many offshoots including a ‘Frum Chapter’ on social media, it seems that all women of a certain age are talking about this fundamental change not only in their biology but in all other aspects of their lives.

For observant Jewish women, this state can be profound even if one is lucky enough to sail through the very real biological changes that occur. Young Jewish women —who unlike years pat can learn from trained female experts in this area of Jewish law- are taught not only the halachic minutiae but also how to structure marital relationships within this framework. For many women, observing these laws, allow them to connect to God in a special and personal way and allow for creation of holiness.

But, as I learned with my questioner years ago, I came to the stark realization that when a woman’s purity status does not concern a man or baby making, Jewish law and practice has truly nothing to offer. All the things that we have sold to women as something special, sacred and in some cases to make your marriage better and holier, are gone.

And all the ways that educators encourage adherence to these (overly – commentary my own) complicated laws and included using the lens of such observance would make marriages better and communication between husband and wife would be more meaningful. Some would even romanticize to a dangerous degree that following Taharat hamishpacha would protect you from breast and ovarian cancer and result in one having only neurotypical children. While I never employ these tactics when teaching Kallot and Chatanim, I would emphasize that this is one piece of creating your Jewish home together along with keeping kosher and Shabbat. By adopting a more ‘parve’ attitude towards these laws – meaning , if they enhance your marriage, great and at the very least they should not hamper your relationship-I do my would hope to give couples the greatest chance for success but also making very clear that the rules will completely structure what the physical and emotional relationship.

So when menopause happens, all the supports and strategies that a couple has from Jewish law and practice fall away almost completely.

This unmooring, so to speak, can disrupt a women’s long held spiritual connection. The structure for sex and intimate relationships is now gone. A real questions for women may be- what does it mean when sex is available all time? What does my relationship with my spouse look like now?

Maharat’s, Rabbis, Yoatzot and Kallah Teachers first not to make sure that women going through menopause are not suffering. The  medical community is finally listening to the very real and debilitating symptoms that many (but not all) women experience. Safe and effective treatments are more readily available. As I have told many friends and colleagues, if your medical provider will not help you, find another provider.

Women and their spouses might also need help rethinking what their relationships look like now when all the halakhic structures no longer apply—structures that many couples worked very hard to implement and maintain.

Additionally, spiritual leaders need to find ways to help these women  (and their spouses) rethink what holiness, kedusha will look like after menopause. According to the CDC, the average female life span is around 80 years. Given that time— and being generous with when childbirth may occur- more than half of that time will not concern the laws of niddah. We need to possibly rethink women’s spiritual pathways beyond just the biological.

While many women might find themselves in the ‘We Do Not Care Club’ when in comes to experiencing menopause, very many do care very much about their relationships and their connection to God.

How might we as spiritual leaders and communities support women which for many can be the most productive of their lives? Now, more than ever, we cannot simply jettison the spiritual power and holiness that women imbue our communities with. This spiritual rethink can only hope to help all of us.