The Perfect Hanukkah Present
When playing Monopoly recently I realised how much this game is crying out for a Jewish version, one that reflects our dramas over the last year. With so many different formats now available why not add Monopoly world Jewry? The goal won’t change – accumulate a portfolio of properties that will fund the yeshiva education, weddings and homes for your grandchildren but on the way encounter many perils, seemingly innocent behaviours that antisemites the world over will consider offensive, poison your reputation and take you to the brink of bankruptcy.
Elements of the old game will be tweaked for this target audience. Free parking becomes “Free double parking”. Go to Jail will include “but on your way get an aliyah from your shul for donating that Torah scroll cover, even if it was funded from fraud”. Properties range in price from a timeshare in Bournemouth and Netanya to a weekend home in the Hamptons and an apartment in Mamilla overlooking the old city. In between are other good investments: “That dodgy Israeli tech company that the guys on miluim persuaded you to invest in gets bought by Google – collect £500 from the bank”, “A new land purchase in the Negev strikes oil”.
Chance cards include: “You once lent Jarrod Kushner a tallis at his son’s bris after it had been stolen, as a thank you Trump makes you ambassador to Micronesia, one of those random countries that sides with Israel and America on anti-Israel UN resolutions, take an extra go.”
“Your antisemitic boss fires you for taking too many Jewish holidays. On your last day as head of procurement you put in an order for thirty new phones for the senior management team from an obscure Israeli shell company based in Hungary. Collect £500 from the bank.”
But for every good Chance card there are plenty more penalty ones.
“As a doctoral student in human rights, you are asked to speak on an anti-racism conference panel sponsored by Amnesty International. However, the organisers look you up on Google and discover that you once sat on a similar event at Ben Gurion University. Your invite is withdrawn as your connection with Israel does not fit with their values of diversity and inclusion. Pay £200 to the bank.”
“You produce a powerful documentary about a family who hid from Hamas on October 7th and their experience afterwards. It’s put forward for Best Documentary at a European film festival, however the judges dismiss the film for its failure to show the more tender and human side of Hamas. One complains that the documentary resorts to potentially offensive tropes about the organisation being a bunch of murderous raping terrorists. Move back five steps.”
“Your company assures you that they will provide you with a Kosher meal for the Xmas dinner. When you arrive a Halal slaughtered chicken sits awkwardly on your plate. They look at you incredulously when you politely explain that the two aren’t the same. Miss a go.”
“After years of toil you eventually publish to great acclaim a political thriller about Northern Ireland but because you have a Jewish-sounding name, every media interview turns into a discussion on what you think about the war in Gaza and whether or not you’re willing to condemn the actions of Netanyahu.”
“You’re meant to be leading Shacharit on Shabbat at your shul but on your way you get accosted by a bunch of bearded white guys from Norfolk screaming, ‘Free free Palestine, from the river to the sea.’ As you try to pass them, a frustrated policeman with arms crossed berates you for provoking the crowd by wearing a kippa and asks if you can find a different route. When you tell him that you are leading Shabbat services at your synagogue and are in a hurry, he requests that you tell the shul to hold such services on a different day when there are no protestors. Miss a turn.”
And so the penalty cards continue because Monopoly World Jewry is rigged so you and your family can never win. It’s the best form of Jewish education – a game your kids will play while teaching them the bleak reality for our people today. It reminds me of something similar from when I grew up designed to cynically manipulate impressionable young minds. Those who were part of Bnei Akiva UK in the Eighties will remember the Russia Game. As kids we had to pretend to be Russian Jews who wanted to leave the motherland for Israel. Every step of the way, as we got nearer to obtaining a visa, we were thwarted by one of the youth leaders (madrichim) dressed up as a psycho KGB interrogator – like a young Putin on steroids. There would be a room where the madrich, high on a power trip, would shine a light in your face until you confessed to being a Zionist. Just when you thought that the El Al flight was in sight, you would be sent back. Inevitably someone would take the game too far and by the end of the evening at least one or two kids would be in tears and had to be picked up by their parents.
Despite the setbacks encountered in Monopoly World Jewry, your brave child manages to prevail. With a full board of properties, they turn over the final card.
“After an exhausting year and a half, your family returns to its home in the north of Israel, you crack open a bottle of finest Golan wine when you notice a rustle behind the bushes. A glazed looking man appears introducing himself as your new neighbour, Abdul Mohammed from the Syrian government – Hayat Tahrir al-Sham. You start to panic. He raises his hand. ‘Don’t worry,’ he reassures you, ‘we are committed to respecting minority rights and working constructively with our neighbours.’ He starts to cackle, his teeth glint and as he walks away, a mobile Katyusha rocket launcher pokes out of his rucksack. As a precautionary security measure you must surrender all your properties.”
Exasperated, your child hurls the monopoly board against the wall. “It’s not fair,” they scream. “No matter how hard I try I can never win.” You calm them down, stroking their hair. “Ah sweetie, you’re finally learning, no matter what we Jews do we’ll always be hated for it.”
