The ring is too small for my hat

It has been a week and a half since I published in the Times of Israel this blog announcing my intention to form the Vynot party and to make a run for the Knesset in the next elections. And I must say that the response has been fantastic and the groundswell of grass roots support simply overwhelming.

So far, my initial article announcing my political intentions has received 73 “likes” – 73! Add to that the number of people who “liked” the Facebook links to the blog (some of whom were not among those who “liked” the actual article!) as well as those who have personally told me that they loved the article and would definitely support me – and, well, let’s just say that the so-called “experts” who predicted the make-up of the next Knesset are running to change their underwear right now for not having taken Vynot into account with their amateur analyses.

If things keep going the way they’ve started, I may well be looking at a ministerial portfolio in the next Knesset.

One of the best things that I offer the Israeli public as the head of the Vynot party is a national unity that has not been seen in Israel since King David captured the capital city of Jerusalem via the sewer system.

It never fails that any time I am involved in discussions with friends who are politically on the left, they completely reject my point-of-view and see me as a rabid right-winger. Yet when in discussions with friends who are to the right of my views, I am labeled as a bleeding-heart mamby-pamby liberal.

And the strangest thing is that I can be saying the exact same thing to either extreme, and they will still inevitably throw me into the box with the opposite camp.

This unity that I offer was crystal clear last week when I posted this blog in which I had equally negative things to say about both the right and the left. The blog was longer than I generally try to post, but properly infuriating everyone equally really demands a lot of space.

This is what I bring to the table for the State of Israel – unity and equality across the board. When was the last time we had a leader who able to unite the Kahane-ists and the Peace Now-niks as effectively as that?

Of course, unity and equality, as wonderful as they are, is not enough upon which to build true leadership. Fresh ideas are needed as well. In the column a week and a half ago I offered my idea in dealing with the Palestinian demand for land as well as a dual solution to racy TV ads and our response to the Iranian threat.

Rather than paying attention to my very hands-on method of responding to Iran, our current administration is trying something different. As was reported in the Times of Israel on March 29, Prime Minister Netanyahu is promoting a bill that would imprison Israelis for doing business with companies that either directly or indirectly contribute to Iran’s nuclear program.

Personally – I think this is a good start, but it is only a start. As I was discussing in the office last week with a couple of my colleagues, it is clearly not enough. We need to make sure that absolutely everything even remotely connected to Iran is completely boycotted by all freedom-loving Israelis and Jews everywhere.

And I mean everything.

Persian rugs. Do not, under any circumstances buy one until the Iranian regime is toppled. If you have one, get rid of it. Today. Preferably by burning it.

Persian cats. Also – do not buy one. If you already have one of those demonic Ahmadinejad felines, get rid of it immediately (after getting the thing “fixed” so that it can never reproduce leaving even more anti-Semitic kitties running around!)

Persian rice. Get rid of it. Don’t eat it. Let’s get the true Zionist rabbis to declare it hametz for Passover. None of the other rices are from nations devoted to our destruction, so they have earned the special status of kitniyot (legumes) – there is nothing wrong with giving them privileges when it comes to what we Jews buy and eat. But Persian rice? Burn, baby burn! We should even declare it to be not Kosher!

Next – we should ban all marathons in Israel until Iran’s nuclear program has been completely dismantled. The last thing that we need now in Israel is people talking about their participation in these events by saying “I ran…”

No sir. No way! Complete and total boycott. We can tough it out for as long as it takes by walking and taking public buses.

While I’m at it, I will only discuss my candidacy for Knesset in the present or future tense. Once the election is behind us, it will be either “I was up for the position…” or “my party ran”…or something along those lines. But I will not name that accursed country in the same sentence as my pure and good intention to be a leader of Israel.

Most of all, the wonderful holiday of Purim – which commemorates the victory of the Jews over the evil Haman in – you know it – Persia. Yes, it was a victory for the Jews, but they were Persian Jews and if we are not consistent with our principles then we are nothing! So it is incumbent upon us to find every other excuse and justification to drink ourselves silly, just in order to make the point that we don’t need a holiday rooted there in order to get completely wasted. Because that’s how tough we are, and gosh darnit we stand up for we know is right.

So there you have it. More of the Vynot platform. Our country faces desperate times and we know the adage that they call for desperate measures. The sacrifices I propose will not be easy ones, nor will they be fun. But they are necessary for us to truly show those who would destroy us that we will not roll over and play dead.

I was going to write more, but I ra—-, I mean, my TIME ran out…

About the Author
Asher Zeiger grew up (well, sort of) in North Carolina and moved to Israel in 1988. He lives in Modi'in with his wife and two daughters, and works as freelance writer, editor and translator. In his spare time, he tries hard at not taking himself or life too seriously (successfully) and at unwrapping himself from around his daughters' little fingers (not so successfully).