The road through Elul

Photo courtesy of Hadassah.

Although there is always the joy and the solemn coming of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur that jogs my memories early in late August, I have gravitated to the month of Elul because of its purpose in preparing us for the Days of Awe.

Our synagogue, Temple Bnai Torah in Wantagh, N.Y., takes out the golden book, Mishkan Halev, Prayers for S’lichot and the Month of Elul, and we set off on a journey to examine our souls.

But this is a very challenging road for me; it never gets any easier. I wonder where my purpose is going to lead me next: to help, to hurt or to leave well enough alone.

One of the sermons our Rabbi delivered from the pulpit on Shabbat in this month of Elul centered on decision-making and it is still gnawing at me.

I’m a second guesser, no matter the decision and I have to try to take time to slow down, think through and accept when the decision is done, even if it turns out to be a mistake. It is a trial-and-error process, and when I have to make a “U turn” to correct my own error, at least I can label it “personal growth.”

Once again, when I have missed the mark, now is the time to prepare for giving and receiving forgiveness.

Forgiveness is another slippery slope for me. Not only do I say “sorry” a little too often for actions that I should have learned from the first time, but the worst part is often failing to forgive myself. What I would grant to others in understanding and compassion is often stingily offered to my own self.

In the introduction of the aforementioned prayer book, the editor notes that editorial decision-making led to a book with prayer that is “challenging not just choreographed.”

As I mull over this phrase, I now realize that it isn’t just the book that is challenging and not just choreographed, but it’s also the world we are living in. Giving our human responses to G-d’s work, we notice that this world isn’t always neatly arranged, composed and designed as we all envision it could be.

So as the prayers and symbolism of the upcoming holidays are upon us, perhaps we must pave the road through Elul and beyond with our collective empathy and hope in a sometimes troubled world.

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Lauren is a member of the Hadassah Writers’ Circle, a dynamic and diverse writing group for leaders and members to express their thoughts and feelings about all the things Hadassah does to make the world a better place, to celebrate their personal Hadassah journeys and to share their Jewish values, family traditions and interpretations of Jewish texts.  Since 2019, the Hadassah Writers’ Circle has published nearly 450 columns in the Times of Israel Blog and other Jewish media outlets. Interested? Please contact hwc@hadassah.org.