Timeless Marital Advice from the Rav of Rimanov

Among the significant yahrzeit observances during the Hebrew month of Iyar is that of  the yahrzeit of Rav Menachem Mendel of Riminov. Commemorated on the 19th of Iyar, Rav Menachem Mendel is generally  best known for having delivered Shabbos sermons on Parshat HaMan for 22 years, as well as he is  believed to have introduced the segulah (spiritual remedy) for parnassah (sustenance) of reciting Parshat HaMan on the Tuesday of the week we read Parshat Beshalach (refer to Exodus 16:4-36) .

However, what is generally not known are the details pertaining to the Rav’s personal life and especially his marriage to his wife Rivka and that is the focus of this blog.

Threat of Divorce and Devotion at its Supreme Best

In the book The Torah Discourses of the Holy Tzaddik Reb Menachem Mendel of Rimanov, 1745-1815 [1]the translator Dov Levine details the demand of Rav Menachem Mendel’s father-in-law that his daughter Rivka (Rivkah) Torem obtain a divorce from R. Menachem Mendel when he saw that his son in law was completely detached from worldly matters and had no intention of concerning himself with earning a livelihood. “When she refused to part from her husband, the young couple was expelled from the father-in-law’s house (where they resided in the early years of their marriage) and was forced to take up residence in a dilapidated shack located at the edge of town.”

Despite their years of abject poverty, and numerous sacrifices that Rivka made, she continued to support her husbands’ pursuit of Torah learning and his pursuit of perfection as a Hasid. It is said that she even sold her portion in the afterworld just for obtaining bread from a baker (the gesture was later rescinded by the Rav who acknowledged and reassured her of the merit that she had done on his behalf). The couple had 8 children.

A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

Many stories are told about the special relationship that Rav Menachem Mendel had with Rivka and interestingly enough this pious couple are one of the very few couples that are actually buried next to each other.[2]  Some of the lessons that can be learned from their marriage and action steps that couples can integrate into their own marriages are as follows:

Dedicated Loyalty over Materialistic concerns – Rivka’s refusal to obtain a divorce despite the disinheritance that ensued demonstrated her resolve to support her husband and his spiritual pursuits and shared values over a life of materialistic advantages and financial security.

Action steps: Build external and internal boundaries in a marriage so that external pressures from parents, siblings and others do not influence the direction a marriage takes.

Likewise, take note of the Rav’s 22-year commitment to the topic of the Mann and its’ emphasis on heavenly distribution of financial livelihood via the internalizing of the concepts of spiritual faith and belief. By adopting this attitude, couples can be spared the arguments that place financial issues as the number one topic causing disention in a marriage.

Shared Life’s Mission and Vision – In her commitment to remain in the marriage, Rivka adopted and supported her husband’s pursuit of religiosity and the vision of the life of a Tzadik and the sacrifices that it entailed.

Action Steps: Recognize that marriage is not 50/50 and will entail sacrifices at times for the sake of building a solid foundation and develop a MISSION STATEMENT for how you see yourselves as a couple in 5 and 10 years etc. and revisit the statement as new circumstances arise.

Love that Grows and Lasts – the couple dedicated themselves to a life of commitment to each other with performing daily acts which increased their respect and genuine love over the years.

Action Steps: As an additional support for this aspect, the couple can view the video How to Build a Strong, Lasting Marriage | The Lubavitcher Rebbe which focuses on the secret behind a lasting marriage through several interviews and advice from the Lubavitcher Rebbe z”l.

Long Term Investment Insurance – the story of the Rav Menachem Mendel and Rivka illustrates that even going through extreme poverty can be a bond if each accepts the hardship and understands that bigger picture of what their marriage is all about based on love and trust and respect and shalom bayit.

Action steps: understand that starting a marriage can mean living a modest lifestyle and setting expectations accordingly with the goal of increasing communication for discussions of needs and wants by each partner and supporting the dreams of each for the sake of long- term harmony.

 COMMITMENT TO THE PURSUIT OF SHALOM BAYIT

Among the legacies that are identified with Rav Menachem Mendel is his strong commitment to shalom bayit (as I have elaborated above). He espoused in his teachings that wives should be honored since a husband’s spiritual and emotional well being is dependent on his wife.

Likewise, he advocated the concept of looking for the good in a spouse and not focusing on their flaws. Certainly his hallmark was the reliance on a couple recognizing that peace in the home is inextricably linked and identified with how a couple views their livelihood and their domestic harmony can be linked to the release of pressure on negative attitudes toward unrealistic financial expectations.

OUR TAKEAWAY

The yahrzeit of a Tzadik is an opportunity to focus on his life and principles and in this case, the yahrzeit of Rav Menachem Mendel z”l. Today is a time for reflecting on his emphasis on the significance of holy marriages and how they can be directed to positivity and shalom bayit. And, in turn especially during these turbulent times, we can take pause to recognize that by internalizing the lessons above we can benefit as a society. And by doing so, the legacy of Rav Menachem Mendel can be preserved as a catalyst for perpetual shalom, not only in our homes, but reverberate to our status as a light unto the nations starting one couple at a time.

[1] The Torah Discourses of the Holy Tzaddik Reb Menachem Mendel of Rimanov, 1745-1815 translated by Dov Levine (Ktav Publishing House, Inc. Hoboken, New Jersey, 1996) p.13

[2] Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Riminov: A New World to Come – GalEinai