Tinderella!

I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that anyone born after 1985 is unable to date without technological help. We find this ‘help’ through Tinder, OKCupid, Jdate or the innumerable others. We are literally glued to our phones, using them even when on a date.

I won’t deny it, I am a user of Tinder, but it seems to have become a ‘let’s find a sex buddy’ instead of a ‘let’s find a potential partner’ app! Why has it become so hard to find a potential match? One who won’t ask for naked pictures after three messages or one who doesn’t want to know your life story in one phone call, someone who is happy to just try out good old fashioned dating! All I want is to use Tinder and swipe left or right to meet a guy.

I consider myself quite outgoing, so why don’t I meet anyone when I’m out? Why is there no one to talk to? Perhaps it is because everyone is glued to their phones; because people have given up on the idea of actually meeting someone face-to-face so there is no point in rearing their heads up from their mobile devices to actually see what’s around them when they’re in a bar??

On the odd occasion I do get chatted up, it’s always the resident weirdo (somehow I really attract them). I like to talk to a guy before I go out with him, get a vibe over the phone to see his banter, see if we get on. I dated this guy a few weeks ago – let’s call him Mr. LovesBeer – who caught my eye from his pictures (another problem with App Dating – superficiality) and after messaging for some time, we spoke on the phone and I was so excited to meet up with him. We had three great dates and actually, we still speak now as he is awesome, but unfortunately we just weren’t suited.

It’s not often that you get a good date, or even a good match. I had a date a few weeks ago which was so awful, it only lasted 30 minutes. In his pictures, he looked great; a really striking face with nice flowing hair. He added me on Facebook and as an art teacher, I saw his impressive drawings. I thought, “Ok great, finally, maybe my mum will be proud if I date a decent, well-educated guy instead of my usual tattooed, pierced, rocker vibe!” How wrong was I?! I went to meet him about a ten minute walk from my house at a café. He looked so unlike his pictures that I didn’t recognize him at first. When I realized it was him, I genuinely thought about running away but he saw me. Damn. My first thought was “OH SHIT!” I then wondered how old the pictures of him were. He had nice flowing hair and good dress sense, yet the man in front of me looked like he picked his clothes in the dark. He had a receding hair line and the hair he did have on his head looked more like facial regrowth. We sat and talked and I made him aware I had plans after the date so that I could try and run away quicker. The conversation was so boring I wondered how easy it would be to slit my throat with the bread knife that was on the table. Lucky he only ordered a coke and I had lemonade, so it was bound to be short. Anyway, after half an hour he said to me, “I know you need to meet your friends so how about we end it now but meet in the week for dinner?” I replied with “Yeah, sure!” Obviously we all know I didn’t mean it. We got the bill and when I got my purse out, he didn’t even tell me it was on him. A glass of fucking lemonade! Are you joking me?! Cheap bastard!

I reckon my swipe rate is 1 right out of 30 lefts. You may think I am picky, but I am sorry if the picture of you hiking in your Jesus sandals didn’t attract me. I can’t help it that you posing with your cat makes me instantly think you’re a pussy – oh and I hate cats, I am a dog girl, so there we go, we aren’t suited.

It would be great if a guy would come along and be able to have a decent conversation and not try to act funny or start with a joke when he is clearly missing the funny bone. What is worse is if said un- funny male has a picture topless in the bathroom – bathroom selfies are a big no no.

I decided to ask my girls what kinds of things they like and don’t like from Tinder when it comes to pictures or messages.

CJ: I hate when a guy messages me and gets keen so quickly and asks how many roommates I have and then wants to meet the same night. It makes me think he is some sort of murderer. Also, do I look like a whore in my pictures? No, I am a respectful young lady, I do not want to come and meet you at 2am! But if he has a picture with a dog, I am all for it.

Sally: I love it when a guy’s picture is in a uniform like a doctor, army or policeman. There is something so sexy about a uniform! What is this thing about guys on Tinder posing with tigers, or on a horse? Is it some sort of cool thing to do? I find it weird. Also, I don’t like it when guys put up pictures of themselves far away. I want to see your face, not you as a dot.

Anna: There is nothing worse than meeting up with a guy who looks nothing like his pictures or a guy who gives you cringe-worthy chat up lines. No, I am not a parking ticket so do not have fine written over me. I like when the guy genuinely seems interested and asks questions about me and wants to get to know me before meeting.

Mel: I don’t get it when they try to make it very sexual right from the first message. If you just want to have sex, can’t you pick up a drunken slut in a bar? I am looking for Mr. Right, not Mr.LetsHaveSexRightNow. If he has a picture playing a sport I become interested straight away.

So, there you have it. We women aren’t as fussy as we make out, and we may not know what we want, but we certainly know what we don’t want!

The only question left to answer is this: has online dating made us lazy? Everything in this modern world is so readily available; can’t be bothered to go buy your shopping? Get it delivered. Can’t be bothered to do night-feeds? Get a night nurse. Can’t be arsed to actually go out of your house to meet someone? Download an app.

To anyone interested, Tinder is having an official party at Clara Dance and Bar, Tel Aviv on Wednesday 27^th August. For more details you can email me at blogdoll21@gmail.com.