Top Ten Jews Most Likely to Die in 2018

Anyone can do a “what inspirational Jews died in 2017” list. That’s some rookie shit. Nah, I’m going next level and using my supernatural abilities to predict the future in order to bring you the second annual (I did one of these in 2013) “what famous Israelis/Jews will die in 2018”. That’s a working title. The previous one, “what non-famous Israelis/Jews will die in 2018” was just too… morbid. Besides, in the time it takes me to feed bananas to the monkey sitting at my laptop to type this, at least 10 non-celebrities (i.e. useless and utterly forgettable humans) will die on the roads or in an ATV accident or just going to see a friend in a hospital in Israel. Sheesh, have none of you ever been to Wolfson hospital?

Ok, enough preamble. Habeas listus! Bring me the list!

Just a disclaimer – so I don’t get sued, lynched etc. I do not plan on murdering anyone on the list. I’m a lover not a murderer. Seriously. This is (gasp) parody. Any attempt to ascribe these deaths to me is pure fantasy. Besides, I have an alibi. I’m spending 2018 curled up beneath the sheets stoned and waiting for the apocalypse. Thanks Trump!

*Please stop reading here if you’re one of those people (i.e. morons) that take EVERYTHING seriously. Lighten up Francis. This is satire.*

Drum roll please…

#1: Shimon Peres:

Many of you erroneously believe he died in 2014. Wrong. The truth is he’s been cryogenically frozen in a secret chamber of the Dimona reactor. He’s given Ehud Barak access to the doomsday device with instructions to ‘thaw’ him in time for the next elections or, alternately, the next season of Celebrity Big Brother. The activation device is either in Mr. Barak’s beard or in his man purse.

#2: David Bitan:

The morbidly obese, former Netanyahu attack dog, is being investigated for corruption and the stress (or the shawarma in a laffa) could eventually get the better of him. Judging by his paunch and his temper, this Jabba The Hut doppelganger will definitely have heart failure in 2018, provided of course, he has a heart.

#3: Yair Lapid:

This is the year he finally chokes on a cigar, trips from his own ego and plummets face first into a giant pile of manure mixed with empty rhetoric and overall sliminess.

#4: Sheldon Adelson:

Litte known fact: This Las Vegas casino mogul and Israel Hayom financier is incapable of dying due to the pact he signed with the devil. Well, with a Trump presidency and global warming (Fake news!) it appears that hell might slowly be freezing over rendering Lucifer’s contract with Adelson null and void. Judging by recent pictures of Adelson, it’s hard to tell if the slow descent into the afterlife has already begun…

#5: Ben Shapiro:

This loud mouthed, opinionated conservative talk show host and author has already been assaulted/harassed by a transgender guest on a show AND Rosie O’Donnell on Twitter. The chances of him surviving another year are extremely slim. That and the fact that he’s married to a Moroccan which will make any man welcome death, if only for the peace and quiet.

(just kidding, honey…)

#6: Woody Allen:

After suffering through Café Society in an empty theater I realized that Woody Allen may already be dead. Granted, I haven’t seen his new movie (yet another nostalgic look at the 1950’s) but as a huge fan of “Annie Hall”, “Manhattan” and “Match Point” (honorable mentions: “Shadows and Fog” or “Mighty Aphrodite” or “Deconstructing Harry” or “Hannah and Her Sisters” or “Zelig” etc.) I think this is the year Hollywood finally admits that they’ve been propping up a dead corpse ala “Weekend at Bernie’s”

#7: Sarah Netanyahu:

Israel’s own first lady, aka Marie Antoinette, aka Miss Piggy, might seem like she’s doing well but that’s only because she grafts the skin of her underpaid, overworked employees and uses it as a facial mask. (That’s not actually true. Please don’t sue me. It was a joke.) But in all seriousness, I don’t know of anybody (with the exception of the famed author Hunter S. Thompson) who could live on a steady diet of pink champagne, ice cream and cigars. I can’t imagine she’ll survive in prison. Maybe she’ll surprise us and go “Orange Is The New Black” on all of us…

#8: RBG:

No, I’m not talking about the color settings on your TV. I’m talking about humanity’s last hope – Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The Supreme Court justice is a sprightly 82 years old. She’s been battling cancer since 1999 and this could be the year she finally succumbs. Oh, and there’s a good chance that this is also the year Trump finally gets his son Eric Junior a cushy job with a black robe… for life. That is, if he can manage to stay out of prison.

#9: Ray Kurzweil:

This scientist and futurist is one of the smartest Jews ever. He predicted that mankind would eventually (with the help of AI) finally achieve immortality. Ironically, Mr. Kurzweil dies moments before the singularity.

#10: The Peace Process:

Thanks to the decision to relocate the embassy, the peace process officially dies in 2018! Great news for all the warmongering politicians and manufacturers of weapons! Bad news for all the rest of us who have to suffer through another poorly named military operation. I suggest we call the next war “A Mizrahit song of Ice and Fire” if it’s a winter war and “Summertime Sadness” (thanks Lana Del Ray!) if it’s over the summer.

I’ll leave you with this video of two robots re-enacting the New Year’s Eve scene from “When Harry Met Sally” and wish you and your loved ones a happy new year. Seriously though, it might be our last…