Tu B’Av – Love as a Perpetual Journey

The holiday of Tu B’Av which commences tonight, the 15^th of Av , is considered an enigmatic day due to its proximity to the saddest day of the Jewish calendar Tisha B’ Av on the 9th of Av and its opposite focus on happiness and rejoicing. As a tribute to the day, the Mishnah declares:

“There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur,” On this day “the maidens of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards. And what would they say? Young man, please lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself.” [1]

A Salute to the Established Middle Age Couples

In addition to the association with “matchmaking,” couples of all stages can celebrate the holiday for the core value of marriage which it highlights. And at each stage, the opportunity for finding renewed expressions of love is replete with meaning and content. This is especially true for established middle-age couples (roughly ages 45-70), which are often overlooked in the seasons of marriage cycles.

This blog is dedicated to this stage of marriage and what Tu B’Av can demonstrate for marriage renewal.

In fact, after decades of marriage, raising children, careers, caring for aging parents, financial pressures, illness, and disappointments, many couples find this middle age time to be one of organizing logistics rather than displays as loving partners. Tu B’Av invites them to reflect on why they chose each other in the first place.

The Journey and Progression of Love

A Jewish marriage often progresses through several stages:

1. Excitement – the newlywed stage is all about building a life together.
2. Responsibility – the stage when children are born, and careers, mortgages, and other obligations assume prominence.
3. Endurance – the stage when automatic pilot and survival of challenges take center stage.
4. Rediscovery – the mature love and established couple-hood can rebloom

The Focus on Mature Love 

Tu B’Av offers an opportunity to focus on the fourth stage of mature love.

Unlike youthful infatuation, mature love is built on:

• Loyalty and trust
• Forgiveness and reconciliation
• Shared memories and reflection
• Resilience and renewal of love
• Mutual respect and harmony
• Spiritual and growth companionship

This kind of love is often of a more precious and deeper continuum.

 What Tu B’Av Symbolizes Especially in Midlife

When couples get to the Middle age stage, they often find a period of transitions.

In some instances, Children leave home, parents age and require more attention and retirement looms with its health challenges.

Couples may ponder such questions as:

• Who have we become as a couple?
• What does the future hold for us?
• Can our marriage become more than “logistics”?

Tu B’Av offers a time for addressing these questions with confidence for the future.

The Historical Message and Second Wedding

The Sages teach several joyful events occurred on Tu B’Av, which address the topic of marriage and renewal , including:

• the lifting of tribal marriage restrictions
• reconciliation between tribes

Tu B’Av asks how can we have our own reunification in marriage at this middle stage:

“What walls have developed between us—and how can we remove them?”

In this context, Tu B’Av can become as a “Second Wedding”

Each year a couple might ask:

• What did we discover about each other?
• What new tradition and rituals can we observe?
• How can be reexamine our lives and dream about our next years?

What 5 Questions We Can Focus on This Tu B’Av?

1. Reflection

“What is one memory from our marriage that still makes you smile?”

2. Appreciation

“What qualities do each of us admire and become even more important as we age?”

3. Forgiveness

“What baggage are we holding onto that has not been addressed over the last year?”

4. Reassessment of Dream

“What hopes and dreams can be visualize for experiencing together?”

5. Blessings and Legacies

“What legacies can we envision departing to our children and grandchildren?”

Tu B’Av and Shalom Bayit

Tu B’Av reminds established couples that the qualities of mutual respect and trust and gratitude and continual communication are still as essential as in the early years and require constant attention and renewal.

Tu B’Av teaches that the strongest marriages are not those that never experienced hardship, but those in which two people repeatedly chose to keep the flames alive and resolve to grow with love and shalom bayit being a commitment for inviting Hashem’s presence into the home.

For established Jewish middle-age couples, Tu B’Av is an invitation to say:

” With Hashem’s help, we can use our time to learn from the past and re commit to making the next chapter of our marriage to be our deepest, wisest, and most joyful yet.”

Wishing our established couples and all couples Happy Tu B’Av.

[1]
Taanit 26b.