Unnatural loss: Our permanent pain  

Among the losses of loved ones that all of us are destined to suffer in our lifetimes, the most “permanent” loss is that of a child or even a grandchild. This is an “unnatural” loss. What does an “unnatural” loss mean?

Most people go through life expecting that at some point in the natural order of things we will bury our parents.  We hope, of course, that they will live to old age but, sadly, not all of them do so.  In my case, both of my parents died at the age of 65 and have been gone 50 years already.  It was a loss when it occurred, and I certainly still feel the loss especially at those pre-scheduled moments of remembrance, but it is a loss that most of us can get past and go on with our lives. So, losing parents is a sad but “natural” loss.

Similarly, if we are married, then mathematics and biology team up to ensure that one spouse will die before the other. Again, the hope is that it will not happen until both parties are well up in years, but we are not in control of all of those factors. My first wife died just before reaching her 50^th birthday as a result of one of the biological curses, so to speak, and it was a big loss. But, once again, one partner to a long marriage will die before the other, which puts this also in the category of a “natural” loss from which one can move on, overwhelming as it may seem at the moment.

But the loss of a child or a grandchild, is not supposed to happen. When it does it is an “unnatural” loss which makes moving on all the more challenging.

Since October 7^th more than 2,000 IDF troops and Israeli civilians have been killed. That means that well over 5,000 Israeli mothers and fathers have buried children with part of that number taking into account grandparents who have watched their grandchildren being buried as well. It means that more than 5,000 people have been through the devastating experience of the “unnatural” passing of offspring cut off in their prime of life.

From this time forward every time these parents and grandparents see friends of their deceased children or grandchildren get married, have children of their own, achieve professional success or rise to leadership positions, they will get that terrible pain in their gut as they most naturally contemplate the life events they will never be able to enjoy.  They will move on, most will learn how to enjoy the many things in life that they still have and that were not taken from them prematurely, and they will cope. But the pain will remain forever, under the surface, like some repressive gene that only appears under certain conditions, and when it does, they will hear the “click” that signifies the reminder of what could have been.

I’ve been there as well. Friday, the 23^rd of Cheshvan, will be the 42^nd yahrzeit of my daughter, Shari, of blessed memory, who died at 19 after spending a gap year in Israel. It wasn’t caused by an accident, or a robbery gone bad, or one of the biological curses, just a fluke situation after relatively standard corrective surgery. Definitely an “unnatural” death.  Alive and well in Chicago on Thursday, buried in Israel on the following Tuesday.

How does one move forward after that? Our tradition actually lays out the plan if we can follow it. Tradition teaches that there are always two paths in front of us, we simply need to choose the right one.  Our sages taught that if we live long enough, in the course of a lifetime some bad things will happen.  People will get sick, relationships can sour, success can be fleeting and loved ones will die.  Of course, there is little we can do about the “bad” stuff.  But the good Lord has given all of us the opportunity to make the good things happen and much of that is in our hands.  That is our obligation as people of faith and what those whom we have lost would expect of us.

I have been blessed with a loving wife to whom I’ve been married 35 years, 3 children all happily married,13 wonderful grandchildren, 4 great grandchildren, and the opportunity to live and grow in Israel, something all of my grandparents would have given their right arms to experience.  How those of us who have suffered unnatural losses interface with our families and community moving forward hopefully reflects the wonderful memories we have of those we lost.

By dedicating our lives to making the good things happen implementing what we have learned from them, we can keep their memories alive for many years to come.  Remember, preserving memories isn’t just about looking back. It’s about tapping into that rich tapestry of experiences with our loved ones that shape who we are and guide our future.

Philosopher Becky Aligada said “Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.” Indeed, they are. May all who have suffered such loss be strengthened by the memories of those they mourn so that they are all able to enrich the lives of others.