Way too twisted

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So let’s get this straight: We bombed a house in Qatar with a ballistic missile, killing some people, but not the people we actually meant to kill. “But we aimed it in a way that it did not cross Saudi airspace!” we pointed out to those who might criticize. Others, including the army’s major general and head of the Shabak had thought it was a bad idea, altogether, but what do they know?

Now we’ve pissed off Qatar, whose emir has been heavily involved in hostage negotiations. Qatar paid members of our prime minister’s staff to push relations with Qatar over those with Egypt, and they also have close ties with Hamas. They also promised Donald Trump a new 747 – while we gave him a gold-plated beeper.

So Egypt, our allies for many years in negotiating with Palestinians, has been angry with us for a while. And the US president? I ask you: Who lives in a marble, gilt palace and gives away extreme luxury gifts? Our attack on Qatari soil, which was crossing a line, even for us, made Trump uneasy and prone to shooting off his mouth about Bibi and his trigger-happy ways. He was closer to the truth that he knew.

Bibi is giving the rest of the world the finger, telling Marco Rubio, the US secretary of state, that the resulting economic isolation is okay with him. We just need to be more self-reliant.

I’m all for self-reliance. It’ll be just like the good old days. There won’t be fossil fuels, so our air will be much cleaner. I hope he gives us a bit more warning, so I can get in my order for either an electric car with solar charging station, or else a better bicycle. We can forget about all that European cheese we’ve been eating, and go back to the tasteless pale yellow stuff Tnuva makes out of our milk. Of course, those kibbutz-hating guys who run the country’s finances will have to raise the milk quotas, and fast, as we are already running out of milk.

In the meantime, I plan to expand my vegetable garden. We’ll be eating a lot of eggplant. I’ll dig out those old eggplant recipes from the 1950s, where they made everything from cake to schnitzel out of eggplant. We’ll raise sheep and shear the wool, start learning to spin cotton thread.

And as we are getting our garden beds ready for tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers, Ben-Gvir is getting ready to build luxury apartments for Jews in Gaza. Two problems Itamar. One: You have to get all the Palestinians ‒ ie., those who tend to do the actual building ‒ to emigrate from Gaza before you start construction. Did you think Jews were going to build these suites? Two – while Israel has the materials to make cement, we are missing the steel, wood and other nice stuff you’ll need for luxury apartments. So good luck with that once we’re being self-reliant.

We might also think about reinstating May Golan as social equality minister. Okay, she and her team are under investigation for funneling funds to themselves, but it turns out that one of her advisers was found to have a drug lab in his home. Once we are self-reliant, social equality will take care of itself. But we are definitely going to need more locally-made drugs in the near future.

It’s so twisted, it’s starting to make  sense.