Marriage Education, Enrichment / Enhancement & Advocacy
What Does OUR Marriage Need More Of? Positivity!
My first blog in this three-part From “ME” to “US”: A Marriage Renewal Series, “Ten Days, Ten Traits: Take the Marriage Challenge,” asked us to look inward:
“What do I need to change?”
As we approach Yom Kippur, let’s turn the question around.
Instead of looking only at what needs changing in ME, let’s look at what we want to strengthen in US.
“What does OUR marriage need more of?”
Not what’s wrong.
What’s right — that we want more of?
Here are eight possibilities.
Which one sounds like your “US”?
- APPRECIATION — NOTICE IT
What we once appreciated can easily become what we expect.
What does your spouse do that deserves to be noticed again?
Say it: “I noticed. Thank you.”
- CURIOSITY — DISCOVER IT
Years together don’t mean we know everything about each other.
What don’t you know about your spouse today?
Ask. Then say: “Tell me more.”
- KINDNESS — SHOW IT
Chesed (kindness) is often found in the smallest gestures.
What could make your spouse’s day a little easier?
Do it — without being asked.
- RESPECT — PROTECT IT
We can disagree without diminishing each other.
Can I say what I need to say without hurting the person I love?
Protect the person. Protect the “US.”
- FORGIVENESS — RELEASE IT
Long marriages accumulate history — including hurts.
Do we still need to carry this?
Repair what needs repairing. Release what can be released.
- FLEXIBILITY — LET “US” WIN
Not every difference needs a winner.
Does this really have to be my way?
Sometimes three words are enough: “Your way works.”
- JOY — CREATE IT
Marriage has enough responsibilities.
What still makes us smile?
Don’t wait for simcha. Create some together.
- CONNECTION — MAKE ROOM FOR IT
We can become excellent at managing a life and forget the couple at its center.
When did we last really talk?
Put everything else aside and ask: “How are you — really?”
WHAT DOES YOUR “US” NEED MORE OF?
Look at the words again:
Appreciation. Curiosity. Kindness. Respect. Forgiveness. Flexibility. Joy. Connection.
Which one made you pause?
Don’t choose what your spouse needs to change.
That’s the challenge of ME.
This time, choose what your “US” needs more of.
Then ask each other:
“What would make OUR marriage better this year?”
Keep it simple.
ONE QUALITY. ONE ACTION. ONE WEEK.
More appreciation? Say it.
More kindness? Show it.
More joy? Create it.
More connection? Make time for it.
Then, one week later, ask:
“Did our ‘US’ feel any different?”
As we approach Yom Kippur, we naturally think about what needs changing. But perhaps teshuvah (returning) can also help us recognize what deserves strengthening.
Perhaps one resolution for 5787 shouldn’t belong only to ME.
Let it belong to “US.”
So during these days of reflection, let’s identify the positive qualities that contribute to a healthy and happy “US.”
Choose what your marriage needs more of.
Name it. Nurture it. Begin.
At Together in Happiness / B’Yachad B’Osher, we believe established marriages deserve attention precisely because something precious has already been built — and what is good deserves to be recognized, nurtured and strengthened.
But this renewed focus on “US” inevitably raises another question:
What can we learn from our history together that can help us build an even stronger “US” for the future?
Because sometimes looking forward begins by remembering what brought us this far.
I invite you to continue this three-part From “ME” to “US”: A Marriage Renewal Series with Blog 3: “Where Were You When? The Landmarks of a Marriage.”
Wishing you Gmar Chatima Tova.