Ten Days, Ten Traits: Take The Marriage Challenge

We have entered the Ten Days of Repentance (Aseret Yemei Teshuvah) between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur—a time for examining our behavior, repairing relationships and seeking forgiveness.

But perhaps one relationship deserves particular attention:

Our marriage.

We ask God for forgiveness. But have we stopped to ask whether the person sitting across the table—or sleeping beside us—is waiting to hear those same words?

And perhaps the harder question:

What character trait in ME may be preventing my marriage from having the peace, love and happiness it deserves?

REPENTANCE BEGINS AT HOME

The Hebrew word for repentance, teshuvah, literally means “return.”

Chassidic teachings, particularly those of Chabad, emphasize that repentance is not simply about feeling guilty. It is about returning to our better selves—and turning that realization into changed behavior.

What a powerful concept for marriage.

No couple begins married life expecting anger, criticism, resentment or indifference to become part of their relationship. But life happens. Children, careers, financial pressures, illness, caregiving, disappointments and everyday stresses take their toll.

And slowly, often without realizing it, negative character traits (middot) can affect how we treat the person we once promised to cherish.

So during these Ten Days, why not look at ten traits that can weaken a marriage—and ten positive traits that can replace them?

TEN DAYS—TEN TRAITS—TEN REFINEMENTS

DAY ONE: ANGER

Few things change the atmosphere of a home faster than uncontrolled anger.

The refinement: Patience and self-control.

Ask yourself: Do the people I love most receive the most patient version of me—or the least?

DAY TWO: EGO

The need to be right can become more important than the relationship.

The refinement: Humility (anavah).

A lesson worth remembering: If one spouse wins at the expense of the other, the marriage loses.

DAY THREE: CRITICISM

After years together, it becomes easy to notice what our spouse does wrong while overlooking what he or she does right.

The refinement: Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt (dan l’chaf zechut).

Before criticizing, ask: Could there be another explanation?

DAY FOUR: RESENTMENT

Marriage can have a very long memory. Today’s argument can suddenly include grievances from years—or even decades—ago.

The refinement: Forgiveness (mechilah).

Forgiveness does not mean accepting mistreatment or ignoring serious problems. It means refusing to let yesterday’s hurt unnecessarily control tomorrow’s relationship.

DAY FIVE: SELF-CENTEREDNESS

Marriage constantly challenges us to balance “ME” with “WE.”

The refinement: Loving-kindness (chesed).

Instead of only asking, “What do I need?” try asking:

“What does my spouse need from me?”

DAY SIX: TAKING OUR SPOUSE FOR GRANTED

This may be one of the greatest dangers in a long-term marriage.

Over time, the extraordinary becomes ordinary. The countless things our spouse does become expected rather than appreciated.

The refinement: Gratitude—recognizing the good (hakrat hatov).

Imagine the difference if we expressed one specific appreciation to our spouse every day.

DAY SEVEN: HURTFUL SPEECH

Nobody knows our vulnerabilities better than our spouse.

That gives us extraordinary power—to comfort or to wound.

The refinement: Respectful speech.

Resolve:

I will not use my spouse’s vulnerability as a weapon.

We can disagree without humiliating the person we love.

DAY EIGHT: COMPARISON

Their marriage looks happier. Their spouse seems more successful. Their family appears more harmonious.

But we don’t live inside anyone else’s marriage.

The refinement: Appreciation and acceptance.

Instead ask: What do I value about the person I chose and the life we have built together?

DAY NINE: STUBBORNNESS AND CONTROL

Do I need the last word?

Does everything have to be done my way?

Can I compromise without feeling that I have lost?

The refinement: Flexibility and humility.

Sometimes marital strength means having the wisdom simply to let go.

DAY TEN: INDIFFERENCE

Perhaps this is the quietest danger of all.

Two people can become excellent managers of a household while gradually ceasing to be loving partners.

They discuss children, bills, appointments and groceries—but stop discussing hopes, fears, dreams and each other.

The refinement: Intentional connection.

Ask your spouse:

“How are you—really?”

And then listen.

ONE IMPORTANT RULE

There is one critical rule to this exercise.

This is NOT an opportunity to make a list of our spouse’s ten faults.

How tempting it would be to read through the list and think:

“That’s my husband.”

Or:

“That certainly describes my wife.”

But that misses the entire point of teshuvah.

The question is not:

“What does my spouse need to change?”

The question is:

“What do I need to change?”

And perhaps that is one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves during these Ten Days.

BETTER CHARACTER—BETTER MARRIAGE

We talk a great deal about marriage in terms of communication, conflict resolution, intimacy and finances.

All are important.

But underneath them lies something even more fundamental:

Who am I becoming as a spouse?

Am I becoming more patient?

More appreciative?

Less judgmental?

More willing to listen?

More willing to say, “I was wrong”?

More willing to say, “Please forgive me”?

Judaism calls this process improving our character (tikkun hamiddot). And improving ourselves creates the possibility of greater peace and harmony within our marriages (shalom bayit).

The formula may be simple, but its implications are profound:

Better character → Better behavior → Greater peace at home → Stronger marriages → Stronger Jewish families

WHICH ONE IS YOURS?

Ten traits may sound overwhelming.

So don’t try to change ten.

Choose ONE.

Which one, if you genuinely worked on it, could make the greatest difference in your marriage?

Anger? Pause.

Ego? Admit when you’re wrong.

Criticism? Look for the good.

Resentment? Consider what you can release.

Self-centeredness? Ask what your spouse needs.

Taking your spouse for granted? Say thank you.

Hurtful speech? Choose words that don’t wound.

Comparison? Appreciate what you have.

Control? Let something go.

Indifference? Reconnect.

Then make one concrete personal commitment—a kabbalah—to change one behavior.

As we approach Yom Kippur and ask to be inscribed in the Book of Life, perhaps we can also resolve to write a new page in our marriages.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is refinement.

One trait.
One change.
One step toward becoming a better spouse.

What more worthy resolution could there be for the Jewish New Year than building a happier, healthier and more loving marriage?

TOGETHER IN HAPPINESS

That is precisely why our Israeli nonprofit Together in Happiness/B’Yachad B’Osher exists—to help Jewish couples strengthen their marriages before problems become crises. Through marriage education, enrichment and practical resources, we seek to help couples replace the patterns that divide them with the qualities that bring them closer: patience, gratitude, respectful communication, forgiveness and connection. A happy marriage should not be something we merely hope for. It is something worth learning about, investing in and continually strengthening. And what more meaningful goal could we embrace for the Jewish New Year than greater happiness and shalom bayit—peace and harmony—in the very place where Jewish life begins: our homes.

Gmar Chatimah Tovah—may we all be sealed for a good year.