When friendship becomes impossible

How do you relate to an old friend in new times?

When D and I first met, we were on even ground. We had both just arrived in Israel to join the Livnot U’Lehibanot program – 20 somethings with little Jewish education, learning about Israel, Judaism, and Zionism. We found the experience both inspiring and transformative. D and I both became more observant, and chose to settle, marry, and raise families here in Israel.

In the early years, our kids were the same – diapers, playgrounds, friends, school. We navigated those times together, swapping stories and supporting each other.

As time went on, the differences in our lifestyles became more pronounced. My kids were more exposed to the secular world, hers less so. But still, these were just personal life choices, not affecting the bigger picture, the greater good. Live and let live.

And then, they grew up. My kids – willing, able, and motivated to serve in the military to protect their homeland.

One of my kids was a medic, and trained and prepared hundreds of medics for taking their place in combat units – saving lives while risking their own.

Another completed his army service, only to run out of the house on October 7th, less than 2 months later, to protect his nation, home, and family. Those first few days were by far a whole new level of worry for those of us waiting for news.

My youngest is about to start army service, specifically in the Search and Rescue unit that has received a lot of coverage over the past 2 weeks. She is determined to push herself to her limits – to challenge herself in service of others. I couldn’t be more proud.

D’s kids were on a different path.

My husband asked me once, back in the early years: When our children grow up and serve in the army, and D’s don’t, how will you feel? I had no idea. I couldn’t yet see past the diapers.

Now I know how I feel.

While D may argue that Torah study protects us spiritually, or that serving in the army would compromise their religious lifestyle, I hold that defending the nation that enables that religious freedom is itself a religious obligation.

I would ask anyone capable of serving in the army who does not serve: If someone broke into your home and started attacking your family, would you run to defend them, or would you sit still and keep learning?

If October 7th and the events since did not make you see that this is what’s happening, that our family is being attacked, what would?

We have had great success with Iran. I hope and pray this is a turning point. But our loved ones are still held hostage and our enemies are still out there. The threats aren’t going away anytime soon.

So I ask: Friend, when your son gets engaged, and you invite me to the engagement party, what am I supposed to do?

Now I know how I feel.

I can’t walk into a room full of people, most of whom do not serve in the military, and celebrate with you at a time like this. I just can’t do it. Maybe someday? Definitely not now.