OK. I’m putting my cards on the table. On our election day I will be celebrating. Not for any particular party or candidate. Definitely not for Bibi. I’ll be celebrating my 88th birthday and I’ve decided it’s time.
Time for me to prepare myself for the next of our circus elections. And since every good circus must have good clowns I have decided to run in the election yet to come. You will just have to drop your ballot in the box, the ballot marked “Anonymous” and when I win I will make my first promises come true.
Promise #1… we can have only 4 political parties, not more. Right wing, left wing, religious and Arab block.
Promise #2… a Prime Minister cannot serve more than two terms. No more Bibi-itis in our democracy.
Promise #3… taxes will be reduced by 10%
Promise #4… I promise not to make any other promises.
My government will not be by trial or error. It will be an open-door government. One day in each week my door will be open to any citizen of Israel who wishes to comment or complain. But it will be limited to no more than one complaint per person. The guards who will be in charge will admit no more than 50 citizens each week.
Knesset members will be allowed no more than one hour to present remarks which may lead to a vote. Name-calling by members of the Knesset to other members will be strictly prohibited. We must have dignity and decorum in our national parliament.
One loaf of freshly-baked challah will be provided per family for Shabbat. Identification will be required.
Orthodox yeshivot must include mathematics, science and English in their curricula. Failure to do so will deprive them of financial aid from my government.
My official residence on Balfour Street in the heart of Jerusalem will allow for no more than 5,000 protesters outside at any given time. In case of heavy rain or snow, protesters will be provided with hot water to drink. They must bring their own cups.
When I travel by air to other countries I will insist upon sitting in the economy section. I may be the Prime Minister but I am also one of the people. My people. The people of Israel.
The Arabic language which was stolen by the Nation-State Law and which had been one of the three official legal languages of our country since 1917 will be returned to our Arab and Druze populations.
Civil marriage and divorce will be on my agenda. All Jews are Jews no matter if they pray in Orthodox synagogues or Conservative or Reform temples. Hitler made no distinctions. Neither should we.
Public transportation shall be allowed in all cities on Shabbat with the sole exception of holy Jerusalem.
Women who wish to pray at the sacred Wall may do so if the Israeli public votes for or against it.
And even though our Torah teaches us “Thou shalt not steal”, no Jewish child in Israel will be arrested for stealing the Pesach afikoman.
After the second term as Prime Minister, I will retire from politics altogether.
And so, my dear fellow citizens, I hope that you will remember to vote for me as your future Prime Minister.
Hopefully our past Bibi circus days will be a thing of the past. A thing to be cast away forever. No more Bibi.
Happy Election Day to all of us and happy 88th birthday to me.