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‘Who am I?’: Moses and the Key to Overcoming Self-Doubt
“Who am I,” Moses responded when God instructed him to confront Pharaoh and demand that he let the Israelites go. “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should take the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11).
God encouraged him, “I will be with you.” But Moses continued to demur. Not only did he believe that he was unable and unworthy to rescue the nation, he furthermore believed that the people would not trust that he was truly sent by God. He once again objected to God’s directive, saying, “but they will not believe me nor heed my voice, for they will say, ‘God did not appear to you’” (Exodus 4:1).
God responded by teaching Moses two signs by which he would convince both Pharaoh and the Israelites that he was indeed commissioned by God. First, Moses was to take his wooden staff and throw it to the ground, and it would transform into a snake. Second, he was to reach his hand into his tunic at his chest, and when he withdrew it, it would be completely white and afflicted by a leprous disease known as tzaraas.
Both of these signs, Rashi explains, were intended not only for Pharaoh and the Israelites, but for Moses himself as well. Both the snake and tzaraas are related, elsewhere in Torah, to the sin of lashon hara/slanderous speech – the serpent spoke maliciously in the Garden of Eden and caused Adam and Eve to sin, and tzaraas is the spiritual malady that is the consequence for those who speak wickedly of others.
God could have provided Moses with any number of wonders to prove that he was an agent of the Almighty. He chose these particular signs, Rashi writes, to indicate to Moses that he was guilty of slander against the Jewish people by claiming that they would not believe him. But why were there TWO signs alluding to lashon hara? Wouldn’t one of the signs have been sufficient?
From this we can intuit that Moses was guilty of two cases of slander. The first, as Rashi cites explicitly, was that “he had spoken slanderously against Israel by saying, ‘they will not believe me,’ thus adopting the craft of the snake” (Rashi on Exodus 4:4). But the second charge of slander is more subtle and fascinating: In doubting his own ability to fulfill the mission that God assigned him, Moses was speaking lashon hara about himself!
Scripture praises Moses’s humility, “this man Moses was exceedingly humble, more so than any person on earth” (Numbers 12:3), and indeed humility is one of the most lofty virtues in Torah. How, therefore, can we suggest that there was anything problematic in Moses’ lack of self-confidence here – so much so that he could be guilty of speaking slander about himself?
The problem was not in Moses’ initial response, “who am I,” but rather in his secondary refusal after God has assured him that “I will be with you.” Questioning oneself is not objectionable. In fact it is admirable, and such humble self-reflection is a pathway to tremendous spiritual growth. Yet questioning the Godliness within oneself – the “I” that will be with you – is not humility; it is rather a denial of the essential life force with which you were created and the essential Oneness that you were placed in this world to publicize and manifest.
A belief in one’s powerlessness or unworthiness is a repudiation of the “Nitzotz Elokus/spark of Godliness” that exists in one’s core and comprises her/his most fundamental existence. Lashon Hara/negative speech about oneself is therefore not only an offense to the speaker, but it is an offense to God who dwells within her/him.
Moses was concerned that the people would not believe in him, and indeed they wouldn’t if he did not believe in himself. In order to become the leader and redeemer of the nation, and to be the quintessential model of both leadership and humility throughout the ages, Moses needed to fully internalize the notion that God “will be with you” always because He is within you and He is the essence of who you are.
“Who am I,” Moses asked. And God answered, you are a vehicle for the transmission and revelation of my light in the darkness. Do not doubt or forget this! When we absorb this lesson that Moses was assigned to teach us, then we will not underestimate ourselves, we will not be afraid of the Pharaohs of the world, we will not question our ability to uplift those around us, and we will transform the creation with the divine strength and wisdom that God has invested and entrusted in each and every one of us.
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Pnei Hashem is an introduction to the deepest depths of the human experience based on the esoteric teachings of Torah. www.pneihashem.com
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