Who Are Your Influencers and Role Models?
When you were young, who did you look up to? What did you want to be when you grew up? Who inspired you to say, “I want to be just like…”
We would call such a person a role model — someone whose achievements, behavior or way of life is an example to others.
In previous generations, the choices for role models were simpler: special family members, teachers, community leaders and people who helped others, such as doctors, nurses and volunteers. Identifying role models was a way children shaped their sense of who they wanted to be as they developed. “I want to be a fireman;” “I want to be just like my Dad.”
People with societal power were looked up to but, more often, it was family-based experiences that helped shape a child’s concept of a role model. Around the dinner table, families would talk about people from the local community who performed good deeds—and who was a poor role model. They would discuss world events and their impact — good or bad.
Holidays elicited certain behavioral expectations for everyone. Thanksgiving and Christmas were filled with stories of generosity when people would be feeding and clothing the less fortunate.
The Jewish High Holidays and Shabbat taught the values of tzedakah and mitzvah (charity and good deeds), which became part of our daily lives. We would become engaged in a cause when we saw a need. We gave of ourselves, our time and our resources.
So, what happened? What changed? So many things! Mantras I was raised on were “Work hard; show your dedication and passion and you will achieve your goals.” And “You get what you give; if you give more, you will see the fruits of your labor.” What do we suppose mantras of success sound like today? “See how many views you can get on TikTok for doing a mundane activity; write something on Facebook to see how many “likes” you can get.”
When and how did this shift come about and is it a change for the better? For me, it is a resounding NO. One factor is the rise of “reality” television. A groundbreaking example is Survivor, which has a group of individuals competing for one million dollars. Its success spawned other concepts.
By 2005, the first of the “Real Housewives” franchises had begun and were steadily gaining their own audiences. Then in 2007, a little known but attractive woman burst onto the reality scene and was given a show featuring content about her and her family. Why her? Did she invent something? Was she an actor, singer or a business tycoon? Was her talent known in any creative area? No, she was a woman who, with her mom, orchestrated the release of a sex tape featuring her and a well-known Hip Hop singer. That was the beginning of the Kardashians’ rise to fame. Keeping Up With the Kardashians was on the air until 2021 and we saw most of her family members become multi-millionaires with paparazzi following their every move.
What lessons about role models did this provide for girls as they were growing up? What would parents’ advice to their daughters now be for achieving success in this changing world? “Flaunt what nature gave you; be provocative and market yourself on social media”?
To my mind, many of the female portrayals in reality shows have set women back a century or more. Years ago, in many arenas, a woman’s natural beauty was considered her most important asset. Models needed to be a certain height and within a particular weight range. Beauty contests focused on women’s physicality more than her capabilities. The Broadway show Funny Girl framed this sentiment in the song lyrics “If a girl Isn’t pretty like a Miss Atlantic City, all she gets in life is pity and a pat.”
Yet, at the same time, we had role models who grounded us and helped us to reach further, to develop other aspects of ourselves in order to build self-esteem and find our niche in the world. Over time, women strived for more professional opportunities and respect for their opinions and achievements.
As the reality genre grew, we were witnessing before our very eyes, the erosion of those goals as well as cherished norms we used to hold dear: privacy, self-respect, maturity, respect for others’ opinions and the ability to discuss issues openly in a safe environment.
On TV, the cameras were rolling in every place imaginable — from the board room to the bedroom and even the bathroom. What viewers saw on reality shows was purported to be real-life experiences, up close and personal. Yet, most of the time, actions were staged and scripted for sensationalism and titillation. We were not seeing “real” people in believable situations; yet, for decades now, viewing audiences have believed what they were watching was “the reality.”
With all of this “non-reality” reality assaulting viewers’ sensibilities, how can a person, no less a child growing up, discern what is genuine and what is fake? Who should they be looking up to and emulating?
If, as a parent, you adhere to your own principles when raising your child, avoiding influences that could lead them away from your core values, are you doing them a disservice since those values don’t seem to be as relevant in today’s society? Or are you nurturing their individual development by encouraging them to become the “best person he or she can be”?
Maybe it is society that has to pause and take stock. Maybe narcissism should be deemed unacceptable since people who are only out for themselves in a never-ending quest for money and status are not inclined to care about others’ needs. Yet, one of the oldest commandments tells us: “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
Many people are now espousing that we need the return of more “religious” values—in our kid’s public schools, for example. But in our diverse society, how is that a workable strategy? In politics, the standard used to be the separation of church and state. But now that we are experiencing a blurring of those lines, the result is more societal confusion than ever before.
In addition to these challenges, it is becoming more common for people to use violence, threats and intimidation to achieve their goals. These people who out and out break the law are even admired for being “rule breakers.” As for loving thy neighbor, it seems people are more interested in capturing their neighbors on video doing something illicit or off beat so they can share it somewhere on social media in the quest for more “followers.”
And now there is yet another societal group competing for attention –“influencers.” What qualifications does one need to become an influencer? None you say. Then why should anyone care what an influencer thinks about anything? Like in any other group, some influencers are using their following to promote positive change. Yet no one is fact-checking what many of them share.
Will we soon hear young kids saying, “I want to grow up to be an influencer”? How can they find a place in this new world while still holding on to and living by our core values? Are we exemplifying the best of what people can be? Is that still relevant? What do each of us still have to offer our society when reality-show stars and uberwealthy celebrities and business people have become modern-day role models?
As a woman, I am very worried. The subjugation of women to be once again measured by their physical attributes and burdened with gender-based expectations has had ripple effects. We are living at a time when the highest court in the land seeks to control what a woman can and cannot do with her own body. Such views are reducing women to archaic roles and labels that don’t fit their wishes for their lives.
How can we judge people more appropriately? Martin Luther King told us how: “I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. …My sincere prayer is that we will not be afraid to use our individual and collective voices.”
The time to use our voices is now. We need to stand up for the values we cherish — in our homes, our professional lives and in the public forum. In your words and deeds, share your values and views with others–not only with “thumbs up or down” on social media. Communicate with legislators and community leaders so, together, we can identify those all around us who are doing great things every single day. Promote their deeds, for those are the people we should be looking up to, so that children can come to recognize more adults like that in their daily lives. Then we can have hope that our children will find and emulate worthy role models and we will see the perpetuation of the values that exemplify the best of what human beings can be.
Debby is a member of the Hadassah Writers’ Circle, a dynamic and diverse writing group for leaders and members to express their thoughts and feelings about all the things Hadassah does to make the world a better place, to celebrate their personal Hadassah journeys and to share their Jewish values, family traditions and interpretations of Jewish texts. Since 2019, the Hadassah Writers’ Circle has published nearly 450 columns in the Times of Israel Blog and other Jewish media outlets. Interested? Please contact hwc@hadassah.org.