Why It’s Impossible to Hold a Grudge on a Kibbutz
It’s insane that I know how to interact with people I will never see again. I know this is a part of life. I mean, I lived in a bubble, but I was allowed outside. I didn’t live in a cult.
On a kibbutz, it’s the opposite: you will see everyone, forever. Which brings me to a popular hobby these days: hating someone. It’s not that easy there.
Let’s create the scene.
You hate Revikah. She’s the worst, you hate her, and you are totally justified and right.
Of course you are.
Problem number one: Your kids were born in the same year.
What does “the same year” mean on a kibbutz? It’s like being in the same grade, but the relationship the kids develop resembles kin more than schoolmates. They’ll be together at least eight hours a day, six days a week, until high school.
That’s…a long time.
And it’s not like you can drop them off and never deal with Revikah the Horrible, who you are totally justified in hating. Birthday parties, age group events, parent meetings, the playground: you will be forced together with dumb Revikah.
And if your kids are friends? You’re done for. It’s not like in the States, where you can retreat to the safety of your home, a drive away, and hide behind fake plans.
WE LITERALLY SEE YOU, REVIKAH. WE KNOW YOU AREN’T BUSY.
In addition, you haven’t seen your kid in four hours. This is completely normal on the kibbutz (think 80s and 90s America, when kids roamed free), but you’ll still need to be in constant communication to track them down.
Tip from an expert: just make your husband do it. 🙂
Problem number two: Work.
On a kibbutz, there are two scenarios that make hating someone extra hard.
The first is that you work in the same place. You would never be on the same direct team, but you might be on the same project, in the same meetings, interacting with the same people. Your friends are friends with Revikah. So beyond seeing her when you pick up your kid every day, you also have to avoid her at work, in a place that really isn’t that big.
Sometimes your colleagues will want to sit with her in the dining hall, so you have to awkwardly excuse yourself and sit with other people so you don’t look like a petty jerk.
It gets complicated.
The second scenario is that Revikah, who you think is not qualified to do anything (and of course you’re right), has a job that provides a service to the kibbutz. Maybe it’s administrative, maintenance, etc. On a kibbutz, many of these things are handled internally, so if you need something, you have to go through her.
Jesus.
Problem number three: HER SISTER IS YOUR BEST FRIEND.
How they came from the same genetic line is beyond you, but her sister is a wonderful person whom you adore. So whenever she talks about Revikah, and since your best friend’s kid is also in your kids’ grade, you have to fake a smile so tight it gives you wrinkles and pretend to empathize with what’s going on in her life.
You know what else? Revikah’s husband is nice, too. You work with him. Her mom is horrible, so you know where she gets it from, and her father is harmless. You even know her grandparents, who are now in the old age home but were once in charge of something.
THIS IS SOME TELENOVELA-LEVEL DRAMA.
Problem number four: All of the above, at the same time.
Let me tell you, hating someone on a kibbutz is way too much work.
Honestly, it’s easier to just not.
Instead, I came up with an alternative narrative that I told myself every time I felt ill will toward someone:
You can never judge someone by their worst moment.
Worst Moments
Living with people over time shows you that someone’s worst moment might not be just a moment. It could be a period of time, six months, a year, four years, when they’re struggling with their own internal demons. Demons that have nothing to do with you, but keep them from showing up as their best.
Not judging people by their worst moment gives them space to change. So even if you’ve had three rough years with Revikah, you keep an open mind when you talk to her in a group of moms. You don’t shut her out, and you don’t stop your kids from playing together.
You live your life, but you always keep an open hand for change. And many times, it happens.
In America, it’s different. I can hate someone for exactly as long as it takes to drive home. Then they’re gone: no shared birthday parties, no dining hall, no sister who’s my best friend. It’s easier, but they stay, to me, frozen in their worst moments.
Take Becky, Revikah’s American counterpart. I hate her because she’s the worst, and I’m totally justified and right.
But maybe she has developed into a perfectly nice person.
And I’d like to think I’ll notice.
