Yes, I See Myself in These Pages

When Maryann Gray was 22 years old, she accidently took the life of an 8 year old boy who darted out in front of her car. She was totally devastated by what she’d done. Although the parents of the child forgave her, Maryann was crushed. She found it hard to function. 

Of course, accidents happen. Especially tragic ones do too. Still, for Maryann, “at the end of the day, I hit him, I took his life. No matter how much people want to dismiss it as an accident, I am still responsible for it, and I am.  I hit him!” she cried, “Why doesn’t anybody understand this?”

After 20 years, Maryann’s breakthrough moment occurred when she happened across a passage in this week’s portions of Torah. If someone was involved in an accidental death, they could make their way to a City of Refuge (Num. 35:11-24). The existence of such cities is a tribute to the Torah’s esteem for emotional intensity. They impede revenge-killing. And they also provide, for those stricken by guilt’s grip, for a municipality of empathy. “The Torah is talking about me” Maryann Gray suddenly saw. 

It was James Baldwin who once said, “You read something which you thought only happened to you, and you realize it happened 100 years ago to Dostoyevsky. This is a very great liberation for the suffering, struggling person, who always thinks that they are alone.” When you see yourself in the pages you’re reading, you realize: “Maybe I’m not crazy, after all.” 

Maryann ended up founding an organization to help make sure others wouldn’t have to agonize alone. 

These days, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Cynical. A swelling malaise that doubts the sway of goodness, the forcefulness of dignity. And, these days, we find ourselves beginning the saddest month of our Hebrew calendar, the Month of Av. We’ve somehow made our way through low points before. 

Try to recall: When you’re feeling down and troubled, rattled, in pain, and afraid, God’s Torah is listening.