“Yo Semites!” came the cry from inside the Oval Office.
In a nearby anteroom, a group of the president’s top Semites perked up.
“Yo Semites! Yo Semites!”
“Is Daddy beckoning you?” Ivanka asked, looking directly at Jared. “He doesn’t mean me, of course. I may be Jewish now because I did it for love and converted to be a Hebrew to marry you. But I’m not a Semite. This shiksa is a blonde!”
Jared winked at his wife. “Truth be told, darling, you’re not a real blonde.”
Sitting in a gilded armchair in a corner, Harold Ross was dozing. “Don’t wake him,” said Gary Cohn. “The president never calls for him. I used to be one of his Semites – even after Charlottesville — but I escaped being his chief economic advisor. Why do I keep being sucked back into this hell? I thought I had escaped.”
“So did I,” whispered Rod Rosenstein, hiding behind a curtain.
“You can never escape!” exclaimed Stephen Miller, rubbing his hands together. “We control everything! The banks, the border, the media, some even say, dare I repeat what I read in a QAnon tweet … the virus!!!”
Jared rolled his eyes. “You have a point, Stephen. We can’t escape you! Neither can your family. How’s your grandmother? Heard the Kung Flu took her. May her memory be a blessing.”
Larry Kudlow stood in front of a large mirror adjusting the overly large knot in his red tie, made in China, and muttering to himself. Nobody paid any attention.
Steve Mnuchin sidled up to Jared. “You know Jared, I married a blonde shiksa, too. Got it right the third time, like your father-in-law.” He pivoted to Ivanka. “No disrespect intended to your mother.” Returning to Jared, he contorted … and contorted … and contorted … his lower jaw and continued, “Have you seen my wife Louise Linton’s horror films, ‘Cabin Fever’ and the ‘Intruder’? I know some people think she’s a no-talent gold digger and a Bond villainess, but she’s this nebbishy New York Semite’s boyhood fantasy.”
Ivanka perked up. “Jared, he’s doing it again. Daddy’s having an episode.”
Through the doorway, they heard, “Yo Semites! I love My Semites!!! Where are my Semites?! I have the best Semites. I especially love my billionaire Semites. I love my Schwartzman. Did you know his name means ‘Black Man’? Steve Wynn. So what if he’s had a few troubles like Trump. Paul Singer. Love his sewing machines. And the Patriot’s Robert Kraft makes the best Russian dressing. But not Bloomberg!!! I am anti-that-Semite! And that Soros. What a loser! Like Lenin and Harpo Marx. It’s too bad they killed Jeffrey Epstein. A fun guy. A great party guy. We both liked them young. He was loaded, in more ways than one. Those were the days! Hey, get me Sheldon Adelson on the phone. I need more of his money.”
Ivanka picked at her nails. “Oh, Jared, Daddy’s just having one of those moments. Don’t pay attention. He thinks he’s talking inside his brain. But he doesn’t know how and it just all comes out of his mouth. It’s probably related to one of his frequent flashbacks to family dinners as a child learning at the feet of his loving father. Just like cousin Mary Trump wrote about in her book.”
Stephen Miller scowled. “That book is banned in The White House! It’s all lies!! She slept with Rosie O’Donnell!!! Hillary introduced them at Ellen’s party in the Hamptons!!!!”
Ivanka rolled her eyes. “Get a grip, Miller. You think you are the Trump Whisperer? Jared, tell this schlemiel who really whispers in Daddy’s ear.”
Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, the president looked out into the Rose Garden. “It’s the best Rose Garden in the world,” he thought out loud. “Melanoma is going to make it even better than that Roman guy, what was his name, Zero, and his Hanging Garden of Bababologna.”
Inside his brain, the president wasn’t ruminating about the Kung Flu pandemic because it was disappearing and besides nobody ever did such a great job, even with the Black Death, because he saved 10 million people from dying because he kept Chinese fortune cookies out. He knew it just is what it is. Even if Stephen Miller’s bubbe died from it. He wasn’t thinking about Hunter or Hillary or Obama or Strzok and Page or TikTok and Chinese payback. Nor was his mind burdened thinking about calling out Putin over Russian bounties on American troops.
No, nothing could interfere with his laser focus. As the greatest marketer in the History of the World, he was in deep thought about his new campaign slogan to win over the Semites. “Hannity told me that it’s almost as good as ‘Keep America Great’ as slogans go. He’s Irish so he knows a thing or two about whiskey,” he boasted to an empty room. “He even has a good Jewish lawyer, I hear. My main media Semite, Mark Levin, loved it and so did that young millennium Semite who wears that black yardmuleke every day. What’s his name? Bibi? Bobo? Ben? That’s a nice Semite name, Ben. He was Joseph’s brother, you know. I know my Old Bible. I opened one once. You know, the only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yardmulekes every single day!!! Hey, isn’t that Bibi Shapiro guy short? Maybe he can count my money?”
He waved to his reflection in the window. It waved back. “Nobody gives me any credit for all that I’ve done for Semites. I am the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Some people, many people, call me the ‘King of the Jews.’ They say, many people say, that I’m the second coming of God. I can live with that. He listens to Trump. The pope told me so. ‘God, if you’re listening’. . . Are you listening? God? God, you there?”
The president took a shallow breath. “The Semites need to show me more gratitude. No more dual loyalty. They need to vote for the King of the Jews. My new ‘Yo Semites!’ slogan has made them big money, some say millions, on t-shirts for that Jewish Museum in Philly. They sold 15,000 t-shirts in one day. Not since Sylvester Stallion yelled ‘Yo! Hadrian’ in that movie ‘Ricky’ have more t-shirts been sold. They shouldn’t charge so much, but you know what Semites are like in business!!? A lot of Semites are in the real estate business. They are brutal killers, not nice people at all. Some Semites don’t like me. Some Semites I don’t like at all actually. There’s Wolf Blintze and Ari Melba Toast and Jake Tipper and John King Kong and Dana Bush on MSCNNDC. Then you have your radical liberal communist Semites like that loser Chuck Schumer or Fatty Nadler or Shifty Schiff or Greta Van Thunberg Susteren. Or those Semite traitors like Alexander Vindland and Gordo Sondland … what are they a Norwegian country? Speaking of traitors and shyster lawyers, don’t get me started on Michael Cohen!!!! I treated him like a son. Just like Eric. And he stabs me in the back!!! He’s no Roy Cohn, at least sexually, or my Jew for Jesus, Jay Suckuknow. Those are my kind of Semites!!!”
Just then the Oval Office door opened a crack and Ivanka poked her head in.
“Daddy, you are doing it again,” the First Daughter said, entering the room with Jared in tow. “You’re having one of your ‘Yo Semites’ moments. We heard you say Roy Cohn and thought we needed to check on you.”
The president caught his daughter’s eye. “Honey, I wasn’t calling for you. I was calling out loud in my brain for my Semites. I know you are a blonde.”
Jared looked at his wife and then at his father-in-law. “Well, Dad, we both know that Ivanka is not a natural blonde.”
The intercom on the Resolute Desk buzzed. “Mr. President, I have Mr. Adelson on line one. He doesn’t seem very happy.”
David Eden is the author of “My Pashtun Rabbi: A Jew’s Search for Truth, Meaning, and Hope in the Muslim World,” selected as a Best Book of 2018 by Kirkus Reviews.