Yom Kippur is not about behavior

Every healthy living being has an immune system. It’s vital. Things inevitably go wrong, and when they do, if you don’t know how to fix them, you’re in real trouble.

The same is true for us. We go wrong. God knew we would, so He created Teshuva—a way to return after our inevitable mistakes and sins.

Maimonides highlights something fascinating: to do Teshuva, you must say Vidui, confession. That’s why it’s at the heart of Yom Kippur’s prayers. You need to tell God what you did, express regret, commit not to repeat it, and ask for forgiveness.

This reveals something huge: Teshuva isn’t just about changing behavior—it’s about restoring your relationship with God. If it were only about behavior, why would you need to talk to Him at all? Like in any close relationship, when trust, care, or love has been violated, it’s not enough to silently regret it or even change your actions. You need to speak. You need to communicate in order to restore the bond.

In my experience, the best marriages are those where the couple has an effective and respectful way of making up after things go wrong. It’s not just about avoiding the same mistake in the future—it’s about repairing the trust, reaffirming the love, and restoring the closeness.

Of course, this presumes a close relationship with God. If you already have one, I hope this message resonates, and I suggest you use Yom Kippur to clarify what it is that makes you close and how you can make sure you maintain and develop that closeness. But if you don’t, let me suggest using this Yom Kippur to begin one. Talk to God. Introduce yourself. Tell Him why you’ve struggled with the relationship. Then try to articulate who He is to you. Don’t be afraid to start simply: You are the Creator. Even if the bus driver never speaks to you, you’re still riding on his bus.