You’re not the only one

Last month, I attended the Rebbetzins retreat. This biannual shabbaton takes place at TheZone in upstate New York. Two hundred-plus single men and women attend the weekend to try and find their bashert. This meaningful experience taught me to have more compassion and concern for other singles in our community.

Upon arrival, each member of the retreat receives a name tag necklace and welcome booklet. No matter how cool, young or attractive someone appeared, they still had to wear the name tag. When I wrapped this necklace around my collar I was reminded that as special as I am to myself and those who love me, the reality is that I’m just another person in the community in need of an organized event to meet eligible romantic partners. As I see it, the name tag is a badge of humility. Seeing others pinned with the same name tag necklace that I’m wearing also reminds me that I’m not the only one trying to find someone.

On Shabbat day singles had the chance to ask shidduch-related questions to the organization’s esteemed rabbinic figure and known posek Rabbi Mintz. Some questions that people asked revolved around the importance of minyan attendance, and set Torah learning for one’s husband. Other questions touched on the topics of compatibility and dating challenges that singles in our community face. One young woman noted to the rabbi that some men did not want to date her because she withheld sending a shadchan photos of herself. A guy sitting in my row told me privately that he wanted to ask, “How can a person keep going in the dating process when relationships don’t work out again and again? And in social settings like a kiddish when singles I’m interested in walk away from me after just two minutes of conversation?”

At this and other events I have met women and men struggling to get dates. A young man lamented the fact that many women would not date him because he wasn’t tall enough. A young woman at the retreat reported that her difficulty with dating had impacted her relationship with God, saying, “It can almost feel like Hashem has been forgetting about me.” I asked her, “In terms of dating?” She nodded and smiled back, “Yup.” Her comment echoes the tremendous difficulties in emunah and bitachon that singles in our community face in the midst of their turbulent dating journeys.

Over Shabbat I heard single men and women indicate different expectations for a prospective spouse. Some men and women wished to find someone with a certain look and specific field, such as a tall spouse with dark hair, a handsome or pretty spouse who works in the healthcare or business field. Others said only that they sought to find someone they could get along with as a life partner and with whom they could raise children and cherish memories.

On my car ride home, I reflected on the retreat. I reflected on how many people from the retreat also needed help to get married, also wanted to live happily ever after. Afterwards, I prayed and wished for everyone else from the retreat to find their special someone with whom to build their homes.

A few years ago, *Rabbi Pinchus Weinberger taught me something important about wanting others to succeed. The famous song we sing at celebrations states, “Siman tov umazel tov yeheh lanu ulekol Yisrael—May there be a good sign and great success for us and for all klal Yisrael.” Rabbi Weinberger told me, “When we sing this siman tov umazel tov song, we don’t just say congratulations to the baal simcha. Rather we are also wishing all of klal Yisrael to have blessings and good fortune, just like the person who is making this celebration.” We sing this song to announce that we want everyone to celebrate and achieve.

I wish fellow singles tremendous success and strength. Dry spells may arise, relatives might offer comments about not missing the boat, and you may even drive three hours for a shabbaton and not meet anyone. Yet, above anything else, what makes a yid a yid, is that he/she never gives up. Rebbe Nachman once wrote that a tzadik is someone who never gives up hope. Hang in there, tzadik.