Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 13
Another day of desperation on the soccer pitch….
Monday’s late night intramural scrum of Arab sides saw Algeria best Jordan, 2-1. The Jordanians took a surprise 1-nil lead at halftime against the higher rated Algerian squad. The Algerians, featuring many players who ply their trade in quality European leagues, struck twice in the second half to secure the victory. In doing so, they handed their cousins a second defeat and consequently eliminated the Jordanians from progressing onto the knockout rounds. After their opening loss to Argentina, Algerian commentators blamed Israel for the result, given that those Jews control so much of the world. Accordingly, one might reasonably expect those same commentators to credit their victory to the aforementioned Israelis for the same reason. No Algerians were quoted crediting Israel for the win, though. Go figure.
Tuesday’s slate of games led off with Portugal going up against Uzbekistan. The good news from this match is that Cristiano Ronaldo kept his jersey on for the entire match. The bad news is that he had ample excuses to rip off his red jersey and display his impressive 41-year-old abs. The Portuguese scored early, middle, and late on the hapless Uzbeks. The final score was 5-0, and Portuguese overcame their embarrassing opener against the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) foresees a long, unsatisfying flight home to Tashkent in the Uzbek’s near future. Conversely, the Portuguese looked like a squad with the talent to make a title run–much to the dread of the ZGWC.
In another episode of a former colony competing against its former imperialist oppressor, Ghana played England in the second game. On paper, one might assume that the players from the colony formerly known as The Gold Coast would be totally outclassed by their English opponents. (The English fans were certainly expecting such.) The truth is that a significant portion of the Ghanian team play in the English Premier League. As is increasingly the case across international competition, the “haves” are not significantly more talented and skilled than the “have nots.” Team cohesion and discipline and federation support levels can make a difference, but the individual players are more alike than they are different. Accordingly, the Black Stars gave the Three Lions everything they could take. Kwame Nkrumah would have been so proud. The ZGWC certainly was. It was a tense, frustrating affair, but neither side managed to get the ball in the back of the net. The game ended 0-0, and both squads are now on four points and looking forward to the knockout rounds.
The action then shifted to the other half of Group L, as Croatia and Panama squared off. As both teams had dropped their opening matches, the match loser would be eliminated from advancing to the knockout rounds. The ZGWC was cheering enthusiastically for Los Canaleros, but it was not to be. In the 54th minute, a brilliant cross from defender Josip Stanisic to super sub Ante Budmir was all that was needed to end the Panamanians’ World Cup dreams. The Panamanians played their hearts out, but international soccer is a cruel sport. Even crueler when many of the other team’s Aryan-looking fans are wearing checkered water polo caps.
Newly ZGWC-endorsed Colombia took on the Democratic Republic of the Congo in the night cap. After pulling a draw against Portugal in their first game, the Congo were looking to continue their success with a result against the highly-rated Colombians. Los Cafeteros, though, had most of the possession and most of the chances. Defender Daniel Munoz of Crystal Palace had an early goal called back on a very picky offsides call–just an arm and a wee bit of shoulder. Munoz broke through again in the 76th minute. The Colombians hung onto win, 1-0, and ended the evening on top of the group with six points. The DRC will have to look for a win and some goal differential against Uzbekistan in order to insure their passage to the second round.
Tomorrow, the last round of group games begin.
However, before digging in to those bouts, the ZGWC wanted review the standings of those teams which are either officially at war with Israel or have unfriendly relations with either the current government or population. For those of you scoring at home:
Iraq, Jordan, Tunisia, and Turkey have been eliminated from the tournament. Qatar and Saudi Arabia are in fourth place in their respective groups and likely to be eliminated in the next round. Egypt currently sits atop the Group of Death (Group G), with Iran in second place. Morocco is in second place in Group C, and Algeria is in third place in Group J. Odds are that Egypt, Iran, and Morocco will advance to the knockout rounds.
There is a full slate of six matches tomorrow with the matches for each group played simultaneously. The simultaneous play is designed to prevent collusion and match fixing. Let’s see how well that works out with the selection of third place qualifiers.
In Group B, Bosnia and Herzegovina will be favored over Qatar. The Swiss will get the nod over the Canadians–all the more so after yesterday’s anti-Semitic shooting in Montreal where the authorities and mainstream press were at pains to identify what it actually was.
Group C will go next, and the ZGWC will be hoping that the brave Haitians take points from Morocco. Scotland will be aiming for a draw against powerful Brazil. The Scots will need to channel visions of the 1854 Battle of Balaclava and the “Thin Red Line” of the 93rd Highlanders. Instead of red, this line will be dark blue; and instead of Russian cavalry, the foes will be Brazilian strikers with one word names.
Group A will finish the day off. South Korea (and the ZGWC) will be looking to send the Qatari team back to their miserable desert home. As for ZGWC UEFA faves Czechia, they will need to pull out a miracle win against a Mexican team with the wind at its back and in front of their home crowd. The Czechs will need to put together a complete, gritty performance–-something they have yet to do so far in the tournament. Hope springs eternal.
