Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 20
Quoth The Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want, but, sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”
Per the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC): “And, sometimes, you don’t even get that.”
Such was the case with yesterday’s action in the World Cup. Each team the ZGWC favored went down in flames.
The conflagration began with the Norway-Ivory Coast match. Les Elephants had performed admirably so far in the tournament, and it was hoped that they would knock off the high-flying Norwegians and their energized fans. If only they had shown such national elan in the spring and summer of 1940 when it actually might have mattered. In any event, the Norwegians broke through before halftime after Ivory Coast had controlled most of the match until that time. Ivory Coast tied the match with about twenty minutes to go before full time. The Norwegians, specifically Erling Haaland, were not to be denied. In the 86th minute, he received a well-executed cross from Patrick Berg and buried with a rather lackadaisical manner. In doing so, he simultaneously buried the hopes of the Ivory Coast and solidified his position as the most famous Norwegian since Roald Amundsen. Haaland seems to have an affection for Jews and their cultural expressions, as evidenced by his support for former Israeli hostages and his notable consumption of a pastrami on rye from Katz’s Delicatessen. The latter may seem to be a quaint, trite irrelevancy at first glance, but given the zeal with which modern antisemites pursue their eliminationist goals, this is no small matter. Haaland is a Norwegian national icon. Similar to the predicament of J.K. Rowling with her adversaries, good luck trying to cancel Erling the Giant.
The French team downed Sweden, 3-nil, and served to further popular perceptions that they are the best team in the tournament field. The Swedes did what they could, and they had their chances, but when the Froggies have 61 percent possession and twenty-five shots, twelve of which on target, well, good luck with that. Kylian Mbappe, who has expressed pro-Palestinian sentiments, pulled even with decidedly Israel-friendly Lionel Messi in the race for the Golden Boot.
The day’s final match saw one of the few ZGWC faves, Ecuador, get bounced from the tournament by a very business-like Mexican side. Technically, El Tri finally overcame the curse of El Quinto Partido, the fifth game. This time, the Mexicans will for the first time since 1986 make it to the hallowed fifth game. Like El Dorado, though, this particular fifth game will only be in the Round of 16. They will need to beat the winner of today’s England-DR Congo match in order to claim a coveted quarterfinal spot. More on this quarterfinal match in a later episode.
Today’s slate of Round of 32 matches begins with England and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. While the ZGWC could be snide and put quotation marks around “Democratic Republic,” but in the quest to defeat the English, there can be no vice. The Three Lions will be the heavy favorite from the experts’ perspective, but the ZGWC reminds the reader (s) that many of the Congolese players play in the English Premier League or similar quality European leagues. As such, anything can happen–all the more so in the case of the terminally unlucky Limies.
The second match features a second match between a former European colonial power and a former African colony, as the Belgians take on Senegal. It’s a pity the Congolese have to go against the English rather than their former oppressors from Belgium. But back to reality with the actual match. Both sides started the tournament slowly, but rounded into form with their most recent match. The smart money (and the ZGWC) is on Senegal. They outplayed the French for at least half of their match and will be hoping to eliminate an elderly and overrated Belgian squad.
The final match features the U.S.A. versus Bosnia and Herzegovina. The Yanks are heavily favored, they are more talented, have been playing well, and have home field advantage. Bosnia, though, is most famous for a certain assassination of a certain archduke. Here’s to hoping the American lads avoid a similar calamity. Cheers.
