Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup — Day 23

…Now is the mid-summer heat wave of our discontent….

Since sundown on Friday, there have been two unsavory matchups betweeen: 1) Anglophone countries whose governments detest Israel and who have been less-than-optimal in their efforts to protect their Jewish communities from their domestic red-green alliances of anti-Semites; and 2) Arab countries who have signed onto the Abraham Accords, but whose populations and players are enthusiastically pro-Palestinian (and anti-Israel). When faced with this Hobson’s choice of execrable and even more execrable, the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) was forced into the respective camps of the merely execrable, to wit:  Australia and Canada.

Australia played a Round of 32 match against Egypt where the Pharaohs were considered the favorites. The Aussies managed to take their opponents into extra time and then penalties. The Australian coach, after cleverly leaving his two goal scorers against Turkey on the bench for their match against the U.S.A., struck again by switching out goalkeepers in the 119th minute. All to no avail, as the Egyptians won on PKs, 4-2. To add insult to injury (and to validate the ZGWC’s analysis), one of the Egyptian coaches was spotted waving a Palestinian flag (albeit upside down) after the match.

For its part, Canada played a Round of 16 match against highly-rated Morocco on Saturday. The soccer world expected the Canadians to be outgunned by the Moroccans, but the Canucks fought to a tie at halftime. Matters fell apart relatively quickly after the second half restart, and Morocco prevailed, 3-nil. Not that it matters, Canada ended the match with a higher xG than Morocco. Again, if one knows what the previous sentence means, the ZGWC urges you to find a more football-literate site for your reading time.

In Friday’s other matches, the final results were as expected, and… wait for it…both results were favorable for the ZGWC. That being said, neither match was a cakewalk.

Tournament (and ZGWC) darlings Cape Verde took all-powerful Argentina to extra time. Both teams scored in extra time, but a 111th-minute own goal doomed Cape Verde’s chances. Had they won, it might have been one of the most unlikely results in tournament history. Still, the Blue Sharks put their country on the map in every way possible. For its part, Argentina will move on to play Egypt in the Round of 16. The ZGWC hopes the Argentines keep it together for a more definitive result in the upcoming contest.

Colombia, another ZGWC favorite, dispatched Ghana in regulation time. The Colombians scored early and probably should have scored once or twice more. Up to this point in the tournament, Colombia has played as well and consistently as anyone, including the dreaded French team. Keep an eye on them going forward.

Speaking of the Froggies, their match against ZGWC-endorsed Paraguay begins momentarily. Dear Reader(s), this match will likely be over before you can read this post, but Paraguay will need to put together an outstanding defensive performance for 90+ minutes and look for one or two opportunities to counter-punch for a goal. They cannot let any such opportunities go to waste if they want to have a chance at victory. Paraguay, though, only surrendered ten goals over eighteen CONMEBOL qualifying matches. So, it is possible for them to pull the massive upset.

Lastly, for those of you scoring at home, four teams favored by the ZGWC advanced to the Round of 16: Paraguay, U.S.A., Argentina, and Colombia.

Conversely, eleven teams disliked by the ZGWC also advanced: France, Mexico, England, Morocco, Spain, Portugal, Egypt, Brazil, Belgium, Canada, and Norway.

The remaining side, Switzerland, garnered a pareve rating. The Swiss are neutral as ever. Go figure.