Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 24
Adios, Paraguay, auf wiedersehen, adieu.
The Albiroja had a magnificent run through the World Cup, but it came crashing to an end against France. The Paraguayans featured a stout defense and displayed great alacrity in the use of Latin American “dark arts” on the soccer pitch to irritate their Gallic opponents. Still, the French are simply too good to be denied a score over ninety minutes, which they managed to tally by way of a penalty kick. Also, Paraguay failed to comply with the principle of many soccer know-it-alls which holds that if one wants to win a match, one must score some goals.
Paraguay’s demise leaves only three teams favored by the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) remaining in the contest: Argentina, Colombia, and the United States. To further complicate matters, Argentina and Colombia could very well meet in the quarterfinals, forcing one out of the tournament.
Since we are stuck with many unsavory teams, the ZGWC will perform its civic duty and rank them in order of disdain, from mild to pronounced. Here goes: Mexico, Portugal, England, Norway, Belgium, France, Brazil, Spain, Morocco, and Egypt. If anyone quibbles with this order, the ZGWC remains open to suggestions. Ranking in this context is an imprecise exercise, at best. Dear Reader(s), you should feel free to ignore these rankings and despise them all equally.
The rankings do help clarify today’s matchups between Brazil and Norway and Mexico and England.
When it comes to Brazil, one eye must be kept on the Lula-da-Silva-Showing-Up-At-A-Critical-Match-Sporting-His-Keffiyeh clock, currently at four minutes to midnight. The philo-Semitic behavior of Erling Haaland makes this choice easier for the ZGWC, which hopes that the lanky Norwegians send the Brazilians rowing home and not the other way around.
Few nations fetishize their collective soccer psychoses as much as the Mexicans and the English do. While not entirely unique, the football-obsessed publics of both countries exist in love-hate relationships with their national sides. Both sets of fans feel that their teams are cursed in almost every circumstance–-except when they happen to win. When they do win, the fans then believe that their teams are invincible and the finest examples of sporting excellence known to man. Tonight’s contest in the Azteca will inevitably reveal one fan base from Column A and one from Column B. Following the principle of pulling for the team less likely to have a legitimate title shot, the ZGWC is forced to cheer for Mexico. This pains the ZGWC immensely, as it contradicts predilections established by its fervent support for the USMNT over the course of decades. But now is no time for frivolities like the U.S.-Mexico rivalry.
Speaking of the USMNT, FIFA has seen fit to suspend the red card issued to American striker Flo Balogun. While American fans will cheer this decision in the wake of what was perceived as a gross injustice of nearly cosmic significance, other observers of football will note that–-consistent with bribing scandals and the awarding of hosting rights to such dreadful countries as Russia and Qatar–-when it comes to FIFA, the fix is always in.