Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 26

Q:  How is the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) similar to the Palestinian national movement?

A:  It never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Consider the situation. The United States was playing a World Cup on home soil in front of huge supportive crowds. The starting eleven featured ten players–all except the goalkeeper–who had logged significant minutes in the top five European leagues. The coach was a first rate international coaching talent, who after a year or so of tinkering with lineups and tactics had forged a team culture and performance standard which appeared to all come together during the pre-World Cup friendly matches against Senegal and Germany. The good vibes continued through the group stage, as the Yanks dominated their first two matches, playing with confidence and evident skill which no previous edition of the USMNT had ever displayed in a World Cup. Over the course of their first four matches, this squad scored ten goals. By comparison, the 2022 squad managed to tally only three goals in their four matches.  The team featured potential American sports legends such as Weston McKennie and Tyler Adams, not to mention “Captain America” Christian Pulisic. They were slotted into a winnable contest against a strong, but suspect Belgian team which had limped along to this point in the tournament. The entire attention of a grateful sporting nation was properly focused on the USMNT’s match against Belgium. A victory in this match would have placed the Yanks in the quarterfinals–an achievement which pretty much every soccer know-it-all would grade as a “A” in tournament performance. What lay ahead was a tantalizing match against Spain with the knowledge that anything can happen in a single match–-including an unlikely upset and a golden ticket to the semifinals. In sum, the set up was perfect–or as perfect as one could reasonably expect in the viscous, unforgiving knockout rounds of the World Cup.

And then it all fell apart.

The moment proved too large for the Americans. The technical proficiency which they had displayed against comparable, or reasonably comparable, opponents in the previous matches deserted the lads against the Red Devils. One mistake followed another and the result was ultimate humiliation. The 4-1 final score was such an embarrassment that the UEFA critics who had claimed that the suspension of the Flo Balogun red card would fatally compromise the integrity of FIFA were probably chuckling quietly amongst themselves. “Ach, it vos only ze Americans. Vhy did we even bother? Hah.” Casual American sports fans were probably asking themselves the same question–-only in proper English–-and telling themselves that they can safely ignore the travails of the USMNT for the foreseeable future. The perennial naysayers of the USMNT will be reinforced in their perceptions that US Soccer is a failure and that this team was ultimately no better than the 2022 version which got knocked out by the Netherlands, 3-1, in the very same Round of 16. Moreover, the 2026 team, with its supposed “Golden Generation” of continual underachievers, failed to surpass the 2002 team which made it to the hallowed quarterfinals. For all of the foregoing, the USMNT is essentially an ongoing joke and exercise in sporting futility.

The Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC), for its part, is duly mortified and disappointed by the result. Like Sisyphus, it appears that the USMNT has hit rock bottom again, and the negative nabobs are correct in their dismissive and defeatist impressions of the USMNT and its quest to be a power in the footballing world. The ZGWC would like to point out several items of positivity. For anyone who has observed the history of the USMNT, there has been clear progress since the 1990 World Cup. The 2002 team pulled a massive upset over Portugal in the opening game, struggled to a tie against South Korea, and were demolished by Poland in their final group match. In every game, the US was a clear underdog and played all of its matches, including the two knockout round matches accordingly. The 2022 team was both qualitatively and tactically overmatched by the Dutch team that knocked it out of the tournament, and the USMNT was the clear underdog in that match, as well. For all of the incompetence on display last night, the Belgian players were not technically superior, nor was Mauricio Pochettino outcoached. Rather, the players collectively played poorly, and they lost a winnable match. Yes, there is shame in defeat and regret at the lost opportunity, but ultimately the ignominy of the US is comparable to that currently being experienced in Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, Mexico, Brazil, and Portugal–-other legitimate “footballing nations.”

Speaking of Portugal, no one should blame them for losing to Spain, as the former was pretty much forced to play with only ten men for the entire match. Technically, they had eleven players on the pitch, but the eleventh man was Cristiano Ronaldo who only seemed to engage with the game when he had some potential to score a goal. Otherwise, any odd 50-year-old in a Portugal kit could have served his role.  Portugal, the lesser evil, lost to Spain, the greater evil. Along with the Belgian victory, it was a bad day for the ZGWC.

Rest assured, though, Dear Reader(s), the cavalry, in the respective forms of Argentina and Colombia, are on the way. The ZGWC considers today’s match between Argentina and Egypt to be one of the most critical of the entire tournament. The Egyptian title quest must be squelched, and the Argentines must take care of business. Colombia takes on Switzerland, and it would be nice if they could win, as well.