Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup: Group A preview

“The Revolution will not be televised,” or so crooned Gil Scott Heron in 1971. This so-called “Revolution,” though, was not charging $2,500 a ticket for a place in the cheap seats. As far as the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) is aware, aside from the cost of the occasional cobblestone or a Molotov Cocktail, admittance to Mr. Scott Heron’s Revolution was otherwise free of charge. Furthermore, any looting that occurred in this Revolution was committed by these same free-loading attendees.

For the impending 2026 FIFA World Cup, conversely, the looting is being committed by the event’s sponsors. To say that tickets for World Cup matches cost “an arm and a leg” is to overstate the value of these sometimes useful appendages. At the end of the day, they are only appendages. The cost of World Cup tickets is more akin to “chest cavity and soul.” The goniffs of FIFA are hard at work to strip as much disposable income from the gullible footballing masses as possible. The only silver lining in this is that, unlike the aforementioned Revolution, the World Cup will be televised.

Before getting into Group A, let’s address several preliminary issues.

First, a brief recapitulation of the ZGWC’s mission statement: the ZGWC wants the friends of Israel to succeed in their endeavors. Conversely, the ZGWC wants the enemies of Israel and the Jewish people to suffer wherever possible in whatever context is available. Since most of the world is irrationally drawn to soccer, the failure of one’s national side on the pitch leads to national despair and collective misery. May our enemies’ collective miseries be multiplied whenever possible.

Second, the ZGWC has previously bemoaned the fact that the field has been expanded from thirty-two teams to forty-eight, thereby permitting the participation of such obscure governmental entities as Cape Verde and Curacao. The absurdity of this situation will not be further belabored here.

(A practical exercise in this absurdity will be displayed over the course of the next four days as the ZGWC puts out a review essay for each of the twelve groups. Stay tuned to this channel.)

Lastly, Israel fell short in its effort to qualify through the highly competitive European selection process. It has been 56 years since Israel appeared in the World Cup, and the faithful remain vigilant for their eventual return.

Mexico vs. South Africa

Competition in Group A will kick off the tournament with host Mexico facing off against South Africa. But let’s have a few statistics first:

Mexico has at least 130,000 missing persons. Three Mexican cities are on the list of the top four murder capitals of the world. The per capita annual income is approximately $14,000. The so-called Freedom House rankings (58 points out of a possible 100) label Mexico as “partly free.” Oh, and drug gangs have been known to shoot up popular tourist towns.

For its part, South Africa boasts the third-highest crime rate in the world, as well as a very high murder rate. The per capita annual income is only $7,500. South Africa ranked 176th in terms of life expectancy and only 95th in the World Happiness rankings.

For all of their many problems, South Africa saw fit to bring genocide charges against Israel in the International Court of Justice. Mexico was one of at least eighteen countries that filed briefs in support of the South Africans. They obviously care about the Jews, seemingly more so than they care about their own pressing domestic problems. Perhaps the Bafana Bafana and El Tri will carry their countries’ ire at Israel onto the soccer pitch and be so concerned about poor Gaza that they neglect to properly defend a few free kicks from dangerous locations. If this does occur, they will, no doubt, blame it on the Jews.

As for South Korea, it has traditionally received a pareve-to-positive rating from the ZGWC over the years. Post October 7th, they have had their moments of anti-Israel advocacy and rhetoric. In particular, South Korea had a seat on the UN Security Council in 2024 and 2025. Given the opportunity to use that position to show some compassion and some common human decency towards Israel during its tenure, South Korea largely took a pass. In showing little to no support for any Israeli priorities during the course of the war, South Korea implicitly sided with Hamas. So, if Taegeuk Warriors are playing either Mexico or South Africa, then by all means, root for South Korea. Otherwise, the ZGWC will be as indifferent to them as they have been to Israel.

That leaves the Czech Republic. The Czech Republic is not only the home of the Golem, it has also historically been one of Israel’s biggest supporters in Europe. The post-October 7th period has featured a January 2024 visit by President Petr Pavel to Israel. Pavel met with Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Herzog, and he expressed support for Israel’s ongoing efforts to defend itself. In May 2024, the Czech Republic was one of the nine countries that voted against Palestine’s bid for membership in the UN General Assembly. Recently, the Czech government pledged to oppose EU-wide efforts to sanction Israel for both real and imagined Israeli actions.

For these and other reasons, the Czech team, also known as the Narod’ak, are easily the ZGWC’s favorite to win Group A. They finished second to Croatia in their qualifying group, but then downed the Irish and the Danes in tense penalty shootouts to earn their slot in the tournament. The defeat of the Irish was particularly painful for the anti-Semites of the Emerald Isle, as the Czech fought back from a two-goal deficit, tying the score in the 86th minute. Here’s to hoping the Czechs break some more hearts.