Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Yet More Preemptive Loathing
WARNING: The following column contains Recency-Bias-Induced-Analysis. Some countries will be judged based on their actions since October 7, 2023, and not on whatever philo-Semitic behavior their national histories may feature in the more remote past. The unfortunate truth is–for some countries and their relationship with the Jewish people and their beleaguered nation-state–it makes little difference whether the year is, say, 1492 or 2025; the judgment of the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) remains the same. For instance, Spain–whether because of the expulsion of Jews at the behest of Ferdinand and Isabella in 1492 or whether because of the hysterical anti-Israel antics of Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez in 2025, Spain will invariably be spurned by the ZGWC. Plus ça change…
Since our last installment, sixteen teams have been added to the forty-eight team field. Forty-two teams have now qualified. Plus the playoffs for the remaining six slots have been announced.
On Friday, during an insufferable ceremony in Washington, DC, the groups were set up via the notorious “ball draw.” There were only two highlights of the spectacle: 1) The difficulties encountered by North American sporting greats Tom Brady, Shaquille O’Neal, Aaron Judge, and Wayne Gretzky in attempting to unscrew the balls containing the names of the eligible nations; and 2) The inability of Canadian Gretzky to properly pronounce most of the countries for which he was assigned to announce. Now that the groups are set, let’s have at it….
Group A features host nation Mexico, South Africa, South Korea, and the winner of a March 2026 European playoff featuring the Czech Republic, Ireland, Denmark, and North Macedonia. (Never fear, Dear Reader, the ZGWC will duly pontificate on these playoff matches closer to the appointed dates.) At this preliminary stage, the ZGWC looks with favor on South Korea, the Czech Republic, and North Macedonia. Speaking of the aforementioned Recency Bias, North Macedonia voted “no” in the UN General Assembly’s vote earlier today to renew UNRWA for another three years. The Czechs abstained, courteously. South Africa and Ireland are definite nos.
Group B has host Canada, Qatar, Switzerland, and the winner of another European playoff between Wales, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Italy, and Northern Ireland. It is hard to like anyone in this group. Switzerland has shown a little–and the ZGWC really means to say “Uh, I think I might see something there”–spine since October 7th.
Group C is not a Group of Death, but it is certainly a Group of Yuck, to wit: Brazil, Morocco, Haiti, and Scotland. Brazil has committed anti-Israel President Lula Da Silva; Morocco has a population seemingly enthralled with Hamas; and Scotland is ruled by the similarly anti-Israel Scottish National Party. Conversely, Haiti does not have much, but Le Grenadiers do feature striker Frantzdy Pierrot, formerly the star of Maccabi Haifa.
Group D has the good ol’ United States Men’s National Team playing on home soil. The Yanks are grouped with Paraguay, Australia, and the winner of a UEFA playoff contest between Turkey, Romania, Slovakia, and Kosovo. For the record, Paraguay joined the USA in voting against the renewal of UNRWA. Kosovo, which maintains an embassy on Keren HaYasod in Jerusalem, is ZGWC’s choice to win the playoff. The Socceroos, for their part, can get stuffed.
Group E features Germany, Curacao, Ivory Coast (or Côte d’Ivoire, if you must), and Ecuador. Germany has been Israel’s biggest and most consistent European supporter since October 7th, and Receny Bias mandates that the ZGWC pull for the Mannschaft, the Twentieth Century notwithstanding. Ecuador also gets a thumbs up.
Group F consists of the Netherlands, Japan, Tunisia, and the winner of yet another European playoff between Ukraine, Sweden, Poland, and Albania. The Dutch are traditional ZGWC favorites, but no more. The Dutch are even pulling out of the 2026 Eurovision because of Israel’s participation. The Blue Samurai of Japan and the Albanians, who abstained on the UNRWA vote, will likely be the pick of the litter in Group F.
Group G is truly the most obvious Group of Yuck. Belgium, Egypt, Iran, and New Zealand present a parade of horribles for the ZGWC. If New Zealand gets the nod, it is only because the alternatives are so much worse. ‘Tis a pity they cannot all lose ignominiously.
(I know, I know, there are too many groups and too many teams. Don’t blame the messenger.)
Similarly, Group H is no great shakes, either. Spain, and Saudi Arabia are definitely out. Capo Verde, to the extent that anyone knows anything (or cares) about Capo Verde, is also a thumbs down. That leaves Uruguay, a country favored by the ZGWC in previous iterations, will likely get an unenthusiastic nod via the process of elimination.
Group I is yet another Group of Yuck. France and Norway have acted despicably since October 7th. Senegal is better, but only marginally. The fourth team will be decided by an inter-confederation playoff between Bolivia, Suriname, and Iraq. Boliva, which recently voted out its long tenured socialist government may very well end up being the ZGWC’s pick here. If so, here’s to hoping that La Verde get to play all of their games at altitude.
Group J–with Argentina, Austria, Algeria and Jordan–is a veritable breath of fresh air. Argentina, a tournament favorite, has a very pro-Israel government under honorary Kiddish Club member Javier Milei. For its part, Austria stuck up for Israel in the recent Eurovision “Banish-The-Jews” controversy. Both squads should be able to score copious goals and send the Algerians and Jordanians home with shameful defeats.
Group K has Portugal, Colombia, Uzbekistan, and the winner of the second inter-confederation playoff involving New Caledonia, Jamaica, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The ZGWC has never likedPortugal, but Colombia used to be the most pro-Israel country in South America. Used to be. The Congo abstained on the recent UNRWA vote, and they will join Uzbekistan as the likely faves for Group K.
Lastly, we arrive at Group L: England, Croatia, Ghana, and Panama. The English have been terrible in so many ways. Panama has been better. Croatia has been better still.
As always, the ZGWC reserves the right to more fully express its ire at all of the countries participating in the World Cup. Furthermore, events may intercede to avert the ZGWC’s severe decree between now and the June start of the tournament. Some countries may somehow magically redeem themselves and move from inveterate anti-Semites to proud UJA donors. But don’t count on it.