Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Yet More Qualifiers
Currently, there are forty-two nations that have qualified for this summer’s FIFA World Cup. One might think that forty-two nations would be sufficient to determine the king of the world’s most popular sport–all the more so as a thirty-two team field had been adequate to the task since 1998. But no, in an era of excess, the mandarins of the footballing world have seen fit to expand the field to a gaudy forty-eight.
In order to achieve the magical full complement of teams, this week there will be two separate qualification competitions–one restricted to UEFA and one for the other international confederations. As always the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) is up to the task of identifying which national sides should be cheered and which should be scorned.
(The ZGWC apologizes in advance for the insufferable length of this blog post, but twenty-two national sides are covered herein. Blame FIFA, dear reader(s).)
Path A of the UEFA qualifying features matches between Italy and Northern Ireland and between Wales and Bosnia and Herzegovina. The winners of these two matches will then face off to determine which one of the four teams advances to June’s World Cup.
Before October 7, the ZGWC would have leaned heavily towards Italy, but no more. While Giorgia Meloni may not be the worst European head of government vis-a-vis Israel, the people she governs have proved themselves to be enthusiastic supporters of Hamas. Even in the course of the ongoing war with Iran, the Italians have sought a modus vivendi with the Islamic Republic so that ships carrying their oil purchases pass unharmed through the Straits of Hormuz. In doing so, the Azzuri have forfeited the ZGWC’s affections for now and for a long time to come.
Unlike their Catholic brethren on both sides of the Ireland-Northern Ireland border, the Protestant Unionists of the north have traditionally identified with Israel. Northern Ireland, as a component part of the United Kingdom, however, lacks an independent foreign policy. The team’s current manager, is Catholic, as are several members of the squad. The team’s fan base, though, is largely Protestant, along with the majority of the team. So far as the ZGWC is concerned, the GAWA (Green and White Army) are the pick of an otherwise underwhelming Path A.
The Welsh are at a bit of a disadvantage as they have to play both Bosnia AND Herzegovina, but so be it. Similar to Northern Ireland, Wales has no independent foreign policy. This fact has not inhibited the Welsh nationalist party, the Plaid Cymru, from being vocally anti-Israel. Further, the Welsh parliament, the Senedd, in addition to having problems spelling, is similarly misguided in its statements on the contemporary Middle East.
Bosnia is the home of the famous Sarajevo Haggadah and has a long history of hosting a Jewish community. As a Muslim-majority nation, many Bosnians (and Herzegovinians) sympathize with the Palestinians. Nevertheless, the Bosnia government has had cordial relations with Israel, has an embassy in Tel Aviv, and has maintained commercial relations with Israel since October 7. Accordingly, the ZGWC is pulling for a Northern Ireland/Bosnia and Herzegovina tie to determine the qualifier from Path A.
Path B features a pair of teams–Sweden and Ukraine with the same national colors (and hopefully some enterprising M.O.T. will have cornered the market selling blue and yellow face paint outside the stadium). Historically, the ZGWC would have frowned on Ukraine, noting that the Ukrainians have been some of the worst anti-Semites in all of Europe. Noting further, the highest decoration of the Ukrainian state is the Order of Bogdan Chmielnitsky–named after a prolific 17th Century slaughterer of Jews. Conversely and more importantly, Ukraine is currently an ally of the United States and, by extension, Israel in the incipient global conflict against the Russian/Chinese/Iranian axis. Throw in another M.O.T., Volodymyr Zelenskyy, and the Ukrainians get the nod over the dour and judgmental Swedes.
As for the Poland/Albania tie, here is a fun fact: one of these countries had more Jews living in its territory after World War II than before World War II. Hint: it was not Poland. During the war, Albania served as a refuge for Jews fleeing from its Balkan neighbors. Since the fall of its Communist regime, Albania, a majority Muslim country, has had stable relations with Israel. Up yours, Enver Hoxha.
Path C is very simple. One match features Turkey versus Romania; the other features Slovakia versus Kosovo. Romania, Slovakia, and Kosovo are all preferable to Turkey. Turkey is a malign force and should be rooted against at all costs. Nobody wants to see a return to the Ottoman Empire. As for the others, Kosovo has its embassy in Jerusalem–the first Muslim state to do so. If the ZGWC has its preference, this will be the only opportunity for the name Recep Tayyip Erdogan to pollute its blog posts for the 2026 World Cup.
Path D is also straightforward with Czechia playing Ireland and Denmark playing North Macedonia. For all of the their otherwise lovable qualities, the Irish appear to have a real anti-Semitism problem. Official Ireland’s obsession with Israel and its many apparent failings make the so-called Boys in Green the least favored team in this group by a wide margin. Of note, North Macedonia has not recognized a state of Palestine and has no diplomatic relations with the Palestinian Authority. Denmark and Czechia also have decent relations with Israel. If it comes down to a contest between the Czechs and the Danes, the ZGWC will pull for the Czechs.
As for the intercontinental qualifiers, the first group features New Caledonia from Oceana and Jamaica from North America with the winner going up against Africa’s Democratic Republic of the Congo. New Caledonia is a French possession and lacks an independent foreign policy. As such, the Kagus are stuck with the specter of Emmanuel Macron’s pusillanimous foreign policy. Jamaica, on the other hand, generally has a favorable relationship with Israel and has a history of occasionally abstaining on key UN votes against Israel. The Reggae Boyz get the nod here. If they face off against the Leopards of the Congo, the ZGWC will favor Jamaica. That being said, there are worse options than the Congolese who have also had reasonable relations with Israel.
The second group presents Bolivia and Suriname in the first round with the winner facing off against Iraq for the qualifying spot. Alas, poor Suriname. Suriname has had uninterrupted diplomatic relations with Israel since 1976. Had this playoff taken place before October 2025, the feisty Green Guardians would have been the pick of the litter in this group. However, the ZGWC is nothing if not up-to-date in its continuous analysis of the state of the world. Back in October, the Bolivian electorate dumped the ruling Movimiento al Socialismo and its Israel-hating leader Luis Arce and selected Rodrigio Paz and his pro-Israel Christian Democrats. One of Paz’s early executive actions was to re-establish diplomatic ties with Israel which Arce had severed in October 2023. Given that Iraq remains in an official state of war against Israel since May 14, 1948, Bolivia is the consensus favorites here.
This week’s qualifiers are functionally the beginning of the 2026 World Cup. So let the games begin. And bring a flak jacket.
