5 Signs a Politician is Pandering to Jewish Voters
We are getting dangerously close to the November midterm elections, and politicians are coming out in droves to get your vote. But how can you tell the difference between a normal campaign lie and one pandering to Jewish voters? Luckily, America’s Rebbitzman is here to help you see the signs and stop the madness.
“JudeoChristian beliefs”– A lot of you may not realize you are part of the JudeoChristian faith. This old chestnut spews out of the mouths of eager politicians hoping to get the Jewish vote, but not to the extent that they are comfortable leaving Christianity out of the conversations while doing so. Their lips curl at the idea of simply saying Judaism, or even admitting any sort of understanding of the core concepts of the religion they are courting. The need to include Christ as they do so, so as not to be misquoted and offend their “real voter base.” “Aren’t we all JudeoChristians?” they say. “We are the same in our Judeochristianity. We believe the same things you and I. Vote for me; I understand you.” But do they? You NEVER see these people go to Churchogogue or even say prayers over a glass of Kedem brand holy water on Tu B’av. They say JudeoChristian, but I don’t think they are actual practitioners of JudeoChristianism. It’s a lie to make you think they are just like you. If they are not comfortable saying the word “Jew” without the security blanket of Christianity against their lips, then they are not going to be comfortable standing up for your rights when facing the rest of the city council, state assembly, Congress, or the President.
Israel — This is a fun one to test out. Go to a political rally for any party, dressed “normally.” Wear a baseball cap or a jeans skirt that just passes the knee. Listen to the candidate give their normal stump speech. Wait 15 minutes, then take off the hat to reveal a kippah or remove the paper clips so that the knee-length jeans skirt extends down to your ankles. Now that you look identifiably Jewish, that candidate will respond in one of two ways, depending on political party.
Republican Candidates will immediately just start screaming the word “Israel!” over and over like they are having a stroke. Sometimes they may belt out the word “good!” or “Me thinky Israel good!” but never with any additional context as to how or why. The typical Republican candidate trying to lure in the Jewish vote rarely puts more thought into their support of Israel beyond two key factors. 1) They equate saying nice things about Israel with ensuring a Jewish vote. 2) They equate saying nice things about Israel with their also being able to say terrible things about Islam without rebuke. In neither case do they actually care about Israel or the Jewish people; it’s simply a justification to allow them to dupe voters and be publicly Islamophobic.
Democratic Candidates will immediately freeze. On one hand, they want Jewish voters because they need as many votes as they can get; on the other hand, being pro-Israel or showing any degree of balanced intellect about the complexities of global affairs as it pertains to the Middle East will immediately alienate their base of voters who, like Republicans, also don’t actually care about Israel or Palestinians, but enjoy using it to express their antisemitic feelings towards the Jews freely. In this case, the candidate will smile uneasily but also quietly send an aide over to you to “schedule a Temple visit…in private.”
Whether the candidate is Republican or Democrat, their expressed feelings about Israel are really justifications to behave poorly. If you want to express your Islamophobia without blowback, you run as a Republican. If you want to express your antisemitism without blowback, you run as a Democrat… for now. Give it 20 years or so, and chances are this analysis will have reversed. Am I saying that ALL Republican candidates are Islamophobes and all Democratic candidates antisemitic? Of course not; there are plenty from both sides of the aisle who hate both! The important thing to remember is that for any political candidate, Israel is simply a game of 3-card monte, where the American people are trying to catch the queen that signifies all their frustrations, anger, and disappointment with the way things are going. The candidates are hoping that the face card revealed looks more like us, or our Muslim cousins, than their own reflection. Then they can harvest all the rage without any of the accountability.
Chanukah — Politicians LOVE Chanukah. It is their favorite Jewish holiday next to “that one that’s like Easter without the rabbits.” Come as early as September, and you will not be able to find a politician without a “menorah” (hanukkiah) in their hands. But how can you tell if that politician isn’t actually Jewish? I mean, we all know that once the Yom Kippur fast is broken, the Hanukkah radio stations are in full force, and every Jew worth their tzit tzit has a hanukkiah on hand at all times. There is a very simple clue. No matter the date, a pandering politician’s “menorah” will ALWAYS have all the candles in it. They also tend to light it like they are freakin’ Shammai. Should a visiting politician at your synagogue, schul, or temple break out a Mensch on the Bench, run! The next words out of their mouth are going to be “Hannukah bush.”
“I’m Jewish” — This one is tricky, because Temple presidents and politicians act in a strangely similar fashion. They both like kissing people on the cheeks without permission; they both smile too frequently. They both find reasons to speak on the bimah when no one asked, and they both expect to be listened to simply because of their position. To complicate matters, many non-Jewish politicians miraculously find 3rd cousins once removed on their Mother’s side, just to use as a ploy to get your vote. But don’t be fooled, there are several telltale signs of a “suddenly Jewish” politician out for your vote:
- Overtly heavy New York accent, even if they are running in Alabama
- Claims Shmini Atzeret is their “favorite holiday” when it falls before election day.
- Keeps popping up on the bimah of every b’mitzvah between August and the first week of November. They usually appear right after the Men’s Club gives the b’mitzvah a Siddur and presents the confused new adult a Yiddish translation of the US Constitution and some lawn signs.
- NEVER hosts the oneg yet convinces sisterhood to provide petit fours with the candidate’s name and website on them. They also seem to be the first to get to the high hats, to the consternation of the patiently waiting religious school kids.
Weddings — This one you need to be really careful of. A sneaky pandering politician will crash your wedding if you don’t have ushers guarding the door. A skilled candidate can camouflage into your ceremony unnoticed, follow the bride(and/or groom) during the seven circles, and, in extreme cases, will use their own foot to break the glass before anyone else can! They will then yell “Jewish!” and run out the door, dropping bumper stickers as they do. DO NOT BE FOOLED; they just want your vote.
This election season, be careful: Jew-pandering politicians are behind every tallis stand, inside every ark, and crouching behind every mechitza, just waiting to pop out and pander to you. No matter how emphatically they say “Shalom!” don’t let them trick you; they aren’t your ally; they are deceitfully supportive caricatures for your vote.
