Lawrence Feldman

A Parodic Purim Philippic

Chapter I

And in the ninth year of the reign of King Achashbibi, the king did decide to make an elaborate banquet in Jerusheshan, the capital, to celebrate his many nefarious deals. An invitation list was drawn up of all the corporate makers and shakers of the land, yea, even including the legions of PR agents and lobbyists. And the king did send messengers to have the invitations hand-delivered, for alas, the country’s mail system was notoriously unreliable.

But lo, since Achashbibi was loath to make expenditures from his royal treasuries, he did command the attendees that they ascend not empty-handed to Jerusheshan, but rather bring forth bottles of champagne and Cuban cigars. And thus the king did gleefully anticipate his banquet, calling it ‘the feast of pinks and leaves.’

Chapter II

And as the day of the banquet did approach, the king did text-message Queen Saravashti, saying unto her, “Prepare thyself to pass out canapes and entertain the guests at the feast.” But the queen did refuse, saying, “Moi, entertain?! I am Queen Saravashti, BA!! MA!! If it is entertainment thou willest, go ask the hired help. And if the lazy sods will not hasten to harken unto thee, scream at them in a manner such as I am wont to do. So put that in thy cigar and smoke it!”

Chapter III

And so it was that when King Achashbibi next did check his text messages and see what the queen had written unto him, that he did become apoplectic, and in his rage, his face did begin to spasm uncontrollably. This quivering did continue for many days and many nights, but all the physicians in the land could not bring respite to the king.

But lo, Charvonelshich, the head of palace security, did wisely summon the famed Dr. Mordablit. And the good doctor did examine the king, and in his astonishment, he did exclaim, “Verily, this is the most serious tic I have ever seen!”

Dr. Mordablit did persuade the king that his suffering was caused by the tensions of his long reign, and that he would need to step down from the throne for there to be hopes of recovery. He did suggest to the king that he spend the rest of his days on a Greek island, drinking champagne and smoking cigars.

Then Doctor Mordablit did continue his admonition, now verily with trepidation, saying, “And if I may be so bold as to advise the king, it would serve Your Majesty well to ditch the queen, for Queen Saravashti doth contribute to the ill health of his royal personage.” And the king did have to agree, for the queen’s shrill voice and foul temper were common knowledge in the land, and a thing of mockery in the media that the king still did not control.

And thus, to the astonishment of the citizens of Jerusheshan, did King Achashbibi abdicate and not appoint a successor, for it was known to all that the Crown Prince was an ill-mannered and impudent knave who would never be accepted by the populace.

But yea, there was one last official act by the king. For Achashbibi did summon Hamanderi, the evil Minister of the Interior, and did order him to deal with Queen Saravashti. And Hamanderi did make the queen “disappear from the country’s population registry,” winky winky.

Chapter IV

After these events, when the country did once again become a republic, the evil Hamanderi was arrested and returned to jail. And the citizens of Jerusheshan did immediately dismiss Miri Court Jester, Oren Foul Mouth, and the other yes-men who had surrounded King Achashbibi, making them wear sackcloth. And in their place, they did appoint a council of men and women of wisdom, stature and integrity, such as did bring pride to Jerusheshan.

Chapter V

And in the second year of the republic, the people of Jerusheshan did celebrate their liberation from the dual outsized egos of King Achashbibi and Queen Saravashti, marking their salvation with two days of festival. And thus on the fifteenth of the month of Shvat, the citizenry did plant roses and all matter of shrubbery, to commemorate the planned feast of pinks and leaves that had not taken place. And in the following month, the people did hold their own family feasts. They did exchange bottles of champagne and fine wines with their neighbors. And in lieu of Achashbibi’s cigars, which had stunketh up the hallways and meeting places of Jerusheshan, the people did share fine and regal foodstuffs, yea, even pints of Ben & Jerry’s, Amen, Selah!

Chapter VI

After these events, the republic did raise the corporate tax rate, and thus did have funds to recreate the social safety net that had been destroyed in the days of Achashbibi. And Dr. Mordablit did become the most popular neurologist in all of Jerusheshan, yea, it did take many, many months to get an appointment with him on all of the major kupot. But the other events of the day, including the hanging of the evil Hamanderi, are they not written in the blogs and annals of the Times of Jerusheshan?

Chapter VII

And the people of Jerusheshan had light and gladness and joy and honor, once the republic was re-established.

So may it be unto us! And a happy Purim to people of all political stripes and opinions.

About the Author
Defrocked mathematician turned vocalist and raconteur, Lawrence Feldman made Aliyah from the US together with his wife Nettie over forty years ago. Larry occasionally blogs for TOI, mainly posting political satire and other humor pieces. Otherwise, when he isn't telling "dad jokes" to his four kids, or having somewhat more success making his grandsons laugh, Larry may be found preparing some of the week's Torah reading for his synagogue - - or roasting coffee beans in his trusty popcorn machine.
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