Mort Laitner
Mort Laitner

Are Your Opinions Based on the Thoughts of Ice Cream Making Alter Cockers?

I stared at the photo and thought, “G-d, they look old.”

These two alter cockers look like they’re getting ready to move into a nursing home.

I wondered, “Would the nursing home serve them Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream for dessert?”

Oy vey, would Jerry grouse, complain, and whine when he didn’t get his favorite flavor?

Of course he would.

Would Ben demand Alter Cocker Chocolate with Dulcolax Sprinkles.

Of course he would.

My eyes returned to studying the photograph of the two pishers.

Jerry slouched over in a stadium chair seated next to Ben.

He definitely needs to go to the baño.

His face moaned, “I’m in need of gentle, dependable constipation relief—something with emollients.”

Well, aren’t we all.

And what the hell are emollients?

Well, Ben, on the other hand. looked into the camera lens and smiled, “I clear my bowels every morning.”

I remember when these two guys were middle-aged, pot bellied, balding, hippies without bathroom issues.

Oy vey iz mir, where have the years gone?

But these two rich, opinionated, old farts still need to schmear their poop on to TV and iPad screens as well as in the New York Times.

For them silence is not golden.

They can’t keep their mouths shut.

This may be their last quote.

So talk they must, when it comes to whether or not the settlers in Judea and Samaria deserve to feast on Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

They screamed a resounding, No B&J for you occupiers.

They added, We’re “proud” of the B&J’s board decision to get our ice cream out of the West Bank. It is “one of the most important decisions the company has made in its 43-year history.”

These two boychicks told the New York Times, We love Israel but the settlers not so much.

I wondered:

How many rocks have been thrown at their heads?

How many bullets have whizzed by their bodies?

How many fire balloons descended on their Waterbury plant?

From which universities did they get their advanced degrees in Middle East studies?

What the hell do they know about solving the Israeli/Palestinian crisis?

But you said, “They’re entitled to their fakakta opinions, aren’t they?”

They’re members of the tribe.

They completed a correspondence course on ice cream making from Pennsylvania State University’s creamery.

Why shouldn’t Ben and Jerry’s opinions on Judea and Samaria count for a whole lot?

To which I replied, “Who the fuck gives a crap about their stupid opinions anyway.”

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. Mort is a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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