After their embarrassing failure to block Radiohead from performing in Israel (because preventing good bands from playing in Israel will surely bring world peace), I’m sure the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (#BDS) movement is looking for a new focus.
I am here to help and I have the perfect suggestion. The target I’m suggesting is big and aggressive, and often leaves those in the immediate area feeling violated and humiliated. This entity’s unfair advantages include brute strength and tremendous mobility with which to deploy it. Seemingly light years ahead of the opposition, this phenom isn’t afraid to dominate.
I am of course referring to Zion Williamson, the 6-foot-7-inch, 220-pound American high school basketball player who is one of the best players in his class and frequently wows the Internet with his high-flying, sensational dunks.
Go to your safe spaces for a moment, BDSers, while his mother explains how Williamson got his “controversial” (from your perspective) name:
When I was pregnant, my grandmother kept telling me he is going to be extra special, so when you go look for a name for him, look for something extra special…Flipping through the Bible and ‘Zion’ just caught me. Now, he is so big he looks like a Mount Zion.
I know what you are thinking: “C’mon, no one is dumb enough to protest someone because of his first name.”
Are you sure? There were at least three different countries that banned the movie Wonder Woman because it starred Israel’s Gal Gadot! And director Ken Loach believes that somehow it makes sense that Radiohead can’t play in Israel, but artists can continue playing in President Trump’s America (as if playing a concert in a country has anything to do with endorsing that country’s leaders or political policies, and as if Israel isn’t the only real democracy in the Middle East).
BDS, this unreal basketball player may eventually make the name “Zion” famous in the NBA! I promise you that a campaign against him won’t be any less intellectually sound or any less moral than any of your recent campaigns, so you can proceed full speed ahead.
Please note, though, that any future BDS campaign against Zion Williamson will be as effective as all of the rest of your ongoing attempts to turn Israel into the Jew among the nations…