Being a Secular Jew in America in 2025

(via YouTube)

After October 7, 2023, nearly every morning for well over a year, I walked my dog while listening to the Times of Israel podcast to get up to speed on what was happening with the wars in Gaza, then Lebanon, Iran, the Houthis, and the massive eruption in antisemitism around the world. It’s not a fun way to start the day, but it’s faster than reading and provides useful commentary. I still mostly listen to podcasts related to the ongoing ‘situation’.

After the walk, I bury my fury and anxiety and refocus on my work, which has become a welcome escape from the constant barrage of bad news. Then, my conversations with clients are dramatically different. Especially when there’s very bad news in the U.S. for Jews, and/or in Israel, a meeting with a Jewish client may start quite differently than with others. But even so, we don’t dwell, as there’s business to be had no matter what.

When bad stuff happens, which is frequent, my phone typically blows up with text threads among Jewish friends sharing articles, updates on loved ones who may be directly impacted by an ‘incident’, frustration with a lack of anyone giving a crap outside of our bubbles, and personal agita and support for each other. These threads may go on for hours or days. Simultaneously, I have texts coming in from non-Jewish friends – some who may acknowledge a particularly horrendous event – but messages are mostly filled with relatively trivial topics, like restaurant recommendations, a share of a funny Instagram video, or just a general update of ‘stuff’. These are all extremely reasonable, and I welcome diversion. There’s no reason why everyone should be mired in the other shit, but the contrast can sometimes be overwhelming.

All the while, we do our things. We chit chat with colleagues, run errands, plan family stuff, and more, with that nagging fear and anger in the back of our heads. When I’m out running errands and making small talk with non-Jewish acquaintances, there’s this voice in the back of my head saying, “do they care about what’s going on; they’re so lucky they can live carefree and not have to worry about being persecuted; is this person anti-Israel, and if they are, does it matter?” When I catch myself wondering if this or that friend would hide us, if things got REALLY bad, I try to just push that thought of my head. But I know I’m not the only one wondering (famously, Sheryl Sandberg).

There are subtleties that have become normalized, like having 24/7 security at our synagogues and community centers; knowing that an observant friend is wearing a baseball hat as to not expose a yarmulke, or when meeting a new, Jewish acquaintance, knowing that we share an unspoken historical and current trauma.

It’s like living a dual life, on one hand seeming content and behaving just like anyone else, but really being part of this secret society that sees the world in a totally different way. And even within that small pod, there are stark divisions between those on the far left, center, and far right, with strong feelings on all sides about U.S. and Israeli politics, actions, and events. The last U.S. election was particularly tough, as we have friends and family on all sides of the spectrum. I really try not to allow politics to define our relationships, but sometimes it can be quite hard. And, if I’m being very honest, if I found out that a friend, Jewish or not, protests or proselytizes against Israel – not the government (which is protested constantly within Israel), but as a nation with a right to exist – I will distance myself from that person. After all, if things did get to the point where we needed to be hidden, where else do we have to go?

Frankly, it can all be so exhausting. At the moment, I would just like to be able to walk down the street in my otherwise quiet neighborhood and not have to see houses with Palestinian flags and watermelon imagery, and “Ceasefire Now” signs. Not that I don’t want a permanent ceasefire; of course I do, but I also want the commitment to hold on all sides, and to have all the remaining hostages kidnapped from Israel 17 months ago back at home.  Everyone has an opinion, yet no-one seems to want to have constructive dialogue with those who view things differently from them.

So, we keep our heads down, feel the pain, advocate and activate where we can, support our loved ones and peers, and hope for a brighter future.