Confronting an Internal Threat to Jewish Strength

The piercing cries of a child caught between warring parents echo a crisis rippling through our community. While we celebrate the joyous reunions of recently released hostages, the subtle absence of a parent in some of these videos hints at a painful truth: family breakdown is becoming increasingly common in our midst. This crisis threatens the very foundation of our strength as a people, a truth even our enemies recognized. As Bilaam observed, after numerous failed attempts to curse Israel, “How good are your tents, O Jacob, your dwellings, O Israel!” (Bamidbar/Numbers 24:5). Bilaam understood that the Jewish people’s resilience stems from the strength of our interconnected families, a strength we risk jeopardizing.

Judaism is unique in its emphasis on family. Unlike other nations formed around a leader or ideology, we emerged from a family. We believe we are all related, an extended family woven together by lineage and shared history. While converts have always been welcomed, they become integrated into this familial web, their stories intertwined with ours. This emphasis on connection is woven into our traditions, our rituals, and our very identity. 

This is reflected in Halacha (Jewish law). A mamzer (a child born from a forbidden relationship) is prohibited from marrying a Jew of legitimate lineage, as the Torah states, “They shall not enter the congregation of the Lord” (Devarim/Deuteronomy 23:3). However, a mamzer is permitted to marry a convert. If a convert chooses to marry a mamzer, their children will also bear this status and will be withheld from the “congregation of the Lord.” This Halacha underscores the importance of integrating converts fully into the greater Jewish family. By encouraging marriage with those of established lineage, the Torah promotes the creation of strong family bonds that solidify the convert’s connection to our nation.

Our current crisis centers on the fragmentation of existing family bonds. We see it in the silent estrangements that stretch for years, in the quiet grief of those who have lost contact with their loved ones, and in the challenges faced by families navigating these difficult transitions. Imagine a young boy’s bar mitzvah, the empty chair a stark reminder of a missing family member. Or a daughter’s wedding, where the joy is tinged with the sadness of a parent who is no longer part of her life. These are not abstract scenarios; they are the realities facing families in our community.

Families, like all relationships, can face challenges. Sometimes, these challenges lead to separation or estrangement. But even when a spousal relationship ends, the family bonds must remain. Shared history, shared experiences, and shared children necessitate an enduring connection, even when other relationships are strained. Yitro, father-in-law to Moses, serves as a complex example. Even after their marriage ended, as the Torah states, “after he sent her away” (Shemot/Exodus 18:2), the Torah acknowledges their continued familial connection, highlighting the enduring nature of family ties.

During times of family stress, emotions run high. Everyone involved—from well-meaning friends and family to legal professionals—bears a responsibility to de-escalate, not inflame, the situation. Taking sides, offering unsolicited advice, and spreading gossip can have devastating consequences. Lawyers, in particular, should prioritize their client’s long-term well-being, avoiding the lure of lucrative litigation that will only prolong the family’s pain. Careful consideration of the potential ramifications is essential for all involved.

The rising tide of family breakdown, in all its forms, is a national crisis. Each of us has a role to play in mitigating the damage. If you are a family member or friend, offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, but resist the urge to fuel the flames. Encourage open communication and understanding. Remind those involved of the enduring bonds that connect them. Remind them of the children, if applicable, and the importance of prioritizing their well-being.

Remember, this isn’t just about “sides.” It’s all about our extended family. It’s about one member of our family hurting another. It’s painful, yes, but it’s all our pain. It’s worth fighting for the love and unity that binds us. Ask yourself: What could I do to make a difference? Let us strive to heal the fractures in our community, to strengthen the bonds that unite us, and to ensure that the legacy of family, so crucial to our survival, remains strong for generations to come. Let us remember that even amidst the pain, healing and reconciliation are possible. Let us share stories of families who have navigated these challenges successfully, offering hope and inspiration to those who are struggling.