Creating Great PR: How the Pros at Hamas Do it
I was inspired to write this by a friend who would often say, “Israel is so bad at public relations. They really need to step it up.” This satirical piece is my response to that remark and others I’ve heard too often over the years. Sadly, I wrote this in 2020, but apparently it is more true than ever. Stay tuned for my updated version.
“Frankly, Yuval, Israel’s public relations sucks. Why can’t you be more like….um Hamas. They have great PR!”
Was Jason right? Though Yuval. Was our PR that awful? Yuval had been associate director of the Israel is Fantastic Agency for over seven years and his career was going nowhere. He thought they had been doing pretty well what with tourism up and having just wrapped up a 70th anniversary program. But maybe Jason, an American who followed the news religiously (in a secular way of course), was right. Maybe they were losing the PR battle….
“Not to worry,Yuval,” Jason smiled. “I have connections. Mohammed Abaan of the very successful Yhkreb Beitak agency, financed by Hamas, is willing to help you,” he whispered looking around. “Mo defected just a few years ago from Gaza and is now living in Brooklyn. He’s agreed to sit down with us and reveal — for a price of course — the secret sauce beyond Hamas PR.
Yuval: “Jason, you rule! What would we do without the expert advice of Americans like you who are always willing to step up and tell us what we are doing wrong.”
Three days later at secret location in Park Slope, Brooklyn …
After the pleasantries have been exchanged, the two PR professionals sit down. Yuval observes that Mo is wearing Western garb, business casual, he thinks approvingly.
Mo: “First rule, my friend. Don’t get so hung up on the truth. It’s really dragging you down. We Arabs don’t really let facts and history get in the way of a good story. We focus on our goal and the hell with getting bogged down in distracting facts. It’s easier than you think. We’ve found most members of Western media are very lazy. They can’t be bothered to check facts…it’s too much work and it often gets in the way of a good….what do they call it nowadays?….ah yes, a good narrative.”
For instance we always inflate our mortality figures and nobody bothers to check. You Jews, on the other hand, are always citing laws, facts, figures, historical agreements, statistics… all kinds of nonsense. What a waste!
Looking over at Yuval’s incredulous expression he adds, “Please don’t quote me. Remember we never met.”
“Second rule. You guys waste so many photo ops. When a woman or better yet a child dies, we view it as a great photo opportunity. We immediately get our camera crew on it and film the women wailing with close-ups of the dead child. The louder and more prolonged the better. Even if it was an accident that has nothing to do with Israel we blame Israel’s brutal armed forces. We learned long ago that most Americans no longer read. But they like their photos and videos. But you guys, you waste so many photo ops. For instance, when one of our martyrs gunned down a family of five in the West Bank recently, you guys let them grieve in private. There were no photos of the dead children. You guys are such amateurs! We are always chuckling over it.”
Yuval is busy clicking away on his laptop.
http://gty.im/1234360949 “Don’t worry, I don’t even know your real name. Please go on…this is so helpful….”
Mo: “I shouldn’t be telling you this but some of our members have gotten a little too zealous and deliberately put innocents in harm’s way just for a great photo op. I myself was totally against this, but some of our brothers are so hard to reign in.”
Mo looks a bit sorrowful, but quickly pulls himself together.
“Third rule. We long ago noticed that the press is more than willing to root for our side. Why? We can’t quite figure it out. Maybe it’s because anti-Semitism is no longer fashionable? So instead they just say they are against Israel, but not the Jews. Over the years it’s gone even more in our favor so we decided to take advantage of this. We’ve infiltrated college campuses and spread the message that the Palestinians are victims much like the black people here in the U.S., even though some of us are rather light complected and others look much like your Sephardics. I don’t quite understand it but don’t look a gift camel in the mouth, as they say.” He chuckles..
Yuval: Gift horse.
Mo: Gift horse? Not camel?
Yuval: No, I believe the expression is gift horse
Mo: “Whatever. I’ve noticed that the college kids here are almost all left wing and embrace what they see as the underdog. We are underdogs because we are poor and oppressed. The Israelis are all rich and dominant. So you see, it’s easier for us to capture the young demographic.” Mo stops for a moment, pleased with his mastery of the world “demographic.”
Yuval: But WE ARE the underdogs. There are only16 million or so Jews in the world and there are close to 2 billion Muslims. We are the only Jewish state in the world compared to over 50 Muslim majority nations. Israel is surrounded by hostile Arab countries. We are the only liberal democracy in the Middle East. We allow free speech. We…
Mo interrupts him: There you go again getting bogged down in facts. Can’t you see it’s not working? Do you want to improve your PR or not?
Yuval: Sorry, please go on
Mo: Where were we?
Yuval: Rule 3, take advantage of the ignorance of college kids who are desperate to fashion themselves as social justice warriors.
Mo: Did I say that?
Yuval smiling: Not ex…Uh Yes. Yes you did.
Mo: Good, good, you’re how do you say? Massaging the truth. And learning. Anyway I should’ve said that. That’s good! Okay, so we have the college kids and the media on our side. That’s great for PR. Sometimes we don’t even have to do anything. The BDSers ,Students for Justice in Palestine and the Jewish Voice for Peace and other self-labeled dovish, liberal groups laid the groundwork. We can’t figure out why you guys put up with them.
Yuval nods in agreement.
Mo: Ready for rule 4?
Yuval: Shoot.
Mo: I love that expression. Rule 4: Free speech. Get rid of it. Well not officially of course. But you Israelis are way too tolerant. We’d never put up with those who speak up for our enemies. If we hear anyone “collaborating” with Israel by suggested we should be more willing to compromise or saying that Israel is right in any way…well let’s just say their life will be not so pleasant. Keep it up? Well we have ways to silence our critics. You should try it. Covertly of course.
Yuval looks skeptical. Go on please. This is so interesting.
Rule 5: Did I say lie? I did? Well, lie some more. Our latest campaign relating to the situation at the border is a good example. We described the mob of Gazans gathering at the border recently as a “peaceful protest,” even though they were instructed to attack using rocks, molotov cocktails, burn tires and, our latest weapon, kites are set aflame. I believe riot may have been the correct word, but no mind, the media by and large bought that it was a peaceful protest and that Israel reacted “disproportionately” and “with excessive force.”
Rule 6: The United Nations. He sighs. I don’t think it is possible for you to ever get them on your side. It always amazes me that the world still takes pretends to take them seriously as a neutral …heh heh heh body.They really should be called the United Muslim Nations since we have I believe 48 members who are Muslim majority. Mo consults his notes. Yes, 48. Soon there will be more. You do know that we are the fasting growing religion in the world and will soon outnumber the Christians. Yuval nods. We certainly excel in producing offspring…Mo can barely suppress a leer. So, yes this isn’t exactly a rule, but you would be wise to maybe just ignore them…and get your friends in the U.S. to maybe quietly defund? The UN has really helped us out tremendously with funding….especially UNRWA which gives billions in aid to support our people.
Rule 7: Become a master of the word game. You Westerners think us Arabs aren’t too bright. But think of all the words the media has adopted thanks to OUR brilliant PR:
Palestine
Occupation
Apartheid
West Bank
Nabka
Colonizer
Intifada
Imperialist
Resistance
In fact, we have a rule at YB that any press release that goes out has to have at least five of these terms.
And that’s it for now. Perhaps we shall meet again for a review.
Yuval: I am so impressed. We indeed have so much to learn from your proficiency in promoting your message.
Mo: Thanks my friend….but sad to say while we may be winning the PR war I believe our people… are losing. They live in poverty, lack real power, have no future. Can I share something in complete confidence? They are secretly jealous of the lifestyle of you Israelis, not to mention Americans. Why do you think I’m now living here in the United States?
