Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews

Crying heals. And Laughing too. (2)

This is the continuation and conclusion of the blog post of yesterday.

We discussed Emotional Release as a sign of healing in progress. And Character Traits as a way we say to everyone: With this I need help.

Let’s now look at how to (get) help (from) others — not just Do It Yourself. I will throw in some more background information, that you won’t get bored.

Teamwork

It seems that if you do this process together with others, who friendly listen, that you get more Emotional Release (ER). The more the merrier.

Below are a lot of words. But please remember that none of them are that important. We only try to help someone to get to the Emotional Release that s/he was seeking (subconsciously) anyway. The words that we think, say or are told in the process are not so critical (So you don’t need to “understand” them or philosophize or worry about them too much.)

It’s like with soup: No use to discuss, understand or believe it — try it.

The following are the five easy questions to ask someone else you’re trying to help. None of the questions is “holy.” You can change them, skip them, just ask one of them. The only thing that really counts is Emotional Release.

When it’s hard to listen, you could ask the other(s) to first listen to you. Or you could do the DIY version on yourself first. (And you may still decide not to give the other attention or that it’s enough for now, for whatever reason.)

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with a question or to move on to a next one (or return to a previous one). Good “therapists” facilitate and assist rather than steer and manipulate.

The Five Questions

The Do It Yourself version has only three questions but to help build trust and safety, we may add two more. Here are five basic questions for teamwork:

1. How are you?
2. What are you feeling?
3. Do you recognize that feeling? Is it familiar to you? You wanna share?
4. What did you say to yourself to get that feeling?
5. Could you think of new sentences challenging this one? Would you mind me suggesting a few Challenges? Would you say them to see how it feels?

  1. How are you?

Listen, listen, listen.

This question is not really part of the CURET method. But it may be a helpful stepping stone. It may create a good connection. Build safety. And give lots of Emotional Release if you friendly listen and not interject (your story).

But this question, often, leads to lots of drama. This may add distress a bit and so can hamper our goal to get rid of all trauma.

The answers are not to give us info or to help us understand, think or act better. The only aim is, to help us get ER. Uh, you got that one by now.

I’ve done this — it’s your turn: Babies, when all should be well for them, who want to cry, listen to them. Smile at them, hold them warmly (don’t smother them). I found that they always stop crying by themselves, so relaxed and happy. (And this gives a good indication how much we’d better cry!)

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with this question or to move on to the next one.

  1. What are you feeling?

We’re looking for small feelings. They are whispers for help from the subconscious. But actually, four types of feelings may come to mind:

A. Big positive feelings. Go for repeating them. If the answer is “I feel great,” ask your “client” to also show that in their facial expression, posture, and tone of voice. ER will flow easily and abundantly. Other feelings may surface.

B. Small physical feelings. They are the body’s true voice. Don’t ignore them. I’m tired — shouldn’t you nap? I’m hungry — shouldn’t you eat? It hurts here — shouldn’t you pay attention to what hurts, allow for ER, consult a doctor?

C.Big negative feelings. Great pain. Deep sadness. Heavy fear. They mean that a lot of pain is ready to be Emotionally Released. (How? Read on.)

NB: Great pain, hunger, tiredness, lust, and stress need great ER. Nothing else will satisfy. Once we shook big feelings, we can deal with the small one.

D. Small negative feelings. These are the whispers of our sub-conscience.

Sometimes we need (to) help to find the feeling. “I feel that you are wrong” is not a feeling but rather a thought. So, a follow-up question may help: What do you feel at that thought?

You may make it easier for your “client” by guessing the answer. It shows you care. Do you feel slightly suspicious? Do you feel a bit scared? Go with the response you then get. No, I rather feel … / Exactly, that’s what I feel.

Don’t include in your suggestion any why. So not: Do you feel upset because of what I said? The why comes in another question (number 4).

Your “client” doesn’t need to tell you what feeling came up. You don’t ask to satisfy your curiosity. S/he/they may answer “dot dot dot” or “blank blank.”

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with this question, to move on to the next one or return to the previous one.

  1. Do you recognize that feeling?

Is what you just answered a familiar feeling to you? You wanna share?

Listen, listen, listen.

This question also isn’t really part of the CURET method, but it can be helpful as stepping stone. It may create a good connection. Build safety. And give much Emotional Release if you friendly listen and not interject (your story).

But this question too, often, leads to lots of drama. This may add distress a bit and so can hamper our goal to get rid of all trauma.

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with this question, to move on to the next one or return to a previous one.

  1. What did you say to yourself to get that feeling?

The idea of this question is not to make the “client” (or you) think or analyze. Rather, just to see what comes up spontaneously!

It seems that nothing and no one can give us feelings. That all emotions we feel are produced by us, by self-talk, though often (half) unaware.

Your “client” doesn’t need to tell you what thought came up. You don’t ask to satisfy your curiosity. S/he/they may answer “dot dot dot” or “blank blank.”

These sentences show that these feelings are rooted in old trauma. These words are rigid slogans, you feel little choice about applying them, and they don’t make you truly happy. After a little ER, you can be flexible about them (make variations on them), they’ll be tools for you to use of not, depending on circumstance, and they won’t hinder you from being happy and satisfied.

It doesn’t matter if that sentence actually made the feeling. What matters is what sentence comes up spontaneously when we ask the question. We’re going to use it to help get lots of Emotional Release (with the next question).

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with this question, to move on to the next one or return to a previous one.

  1. Could you think of new sentences that challenge this one?

Would you mind me suggesting a few Challenges to that sentence? Would you say them to see how it feels?

No one can “know,” ahead of time, what are good Challenges. Good means: capable of giving Emotional Release. You can find out by trying. An example.

Let’s say the sentence that came up was: I’m so unimportant.

To then say: “I’m so important ” may not give any Emotional Release (in the beginning). Try to make it smaller: “But … thinks that I’m important.” “Sometimes I have been a little bit important.” “One day I could do one important thing.” “I’m possibly not the most unimportant person who ever lived.” Eventually, you could try: “I’m the person the whole Universe has been waiting for, hoping for.” “No one is more important than me.”

In the beginning, saying the Challenges may feel a bit unreal. But in fact, it is the old feeling that is not exactly of this time anymore. When we persist in saying the Challenge, the Emotional Release will melt away the old feeling.

If you didn’t manage to hold on to your inborn honesty or haven’t recovered your innate integrity yet, make that a priority. You need to say the Challenges sincerely and not pretend or phrase them as if artistically performing.

The goal of the Challenges is not to “reprogram” or brainwash us. Not even to make us say something better to ourselves (but we could), to “improve.”

Rather, the only goal of saying such a Challenge or answering any of these questions is to get Emotional Release. After the accompanying healing, we’ll be wiser and will decide better on how to go on with our lives. Free at last.

At the end of the day, your “client” should be the one to decide to continue with this question or to return to a previous one and when they want to stop.

Last but not Least

Successful therapies seem to run out of steam because they center around what we are aware of, what we think about. There is also a lot of rehearsing of drama when we talk about what we know. CURET, however, tries to answer the constant subconscious call for help that we re-create all the time.

Many good therapies don’t change us into who we really are because they don’t make ER central. ER is not a side effect; it’s the goal of good therapy.

This should work when life is easy and life is harder, for friendly people and seemingly nasty people, for smart people and supposedly stupid people, for patient people and impatient people, for young people and old people, for sensitive people and insensitive people, for busy people and bored people, for humble people and arrogant people, for honest people and dishonest people, for warm people and cold people, for rich people and poor people, for responsible people and irresponsible people, for religious people and irreligious people, for holy people and unholy people, for open people and closed people, for introvert people and extrovert people, for stressed people and relaxed people, for generous people and stingy people, for respectful people and hateful people, for funny people and dull people, for mild and for stern people, for progressive people and conservative people, for active people and contemplative people, for optimistic and pessimistic people, for emotional people and for brainy people, for proper people and for naughty people, for conventional people and for unconventional people, for bold people and for timid people, for sick people and healthy people, for people who know therapy and for people who don’t, for your loved ones and people you hate (Did I forget anyone? You get the idea.), for you, me, and others.

We can ask these three/five questions to ourselves, our loved ones, partners, kids, friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, strangers, anyone whom we want to give a hand, when we want to spend time (half a minute, ten minutes, half a day) on making the world a better place for all. Or when we want to give expression to our truest self, to effectuate real improvement in the world.

You tell me if you agree but I think that this is more than showing interest in someone or showing you care. I think it’s love itself in action. Love heals.

Bonus: to Live the Life of our Dreams

Many of us don’t always do what’s best, even when we (should) know better. It generally goes like this: “I know it would be better (not) to … but ….” And then we don’t follow this voice or vision and reason. “I’m only human.” May I suggest a simple way to help us do what’s best?

Don’t say the “but” part. “I know it would be better (not) to …, I know it would be better (not) to …, I know it would be better (not) to …” Don’t give any more energy to the Buts.

It’s simple, short but powerful. You’re welcome. Have a great life! Let me know how it goes.

————

This is the second blog posts in honor of the 20th anniversary, today, July 12, of the death of the greatest person I ever met, Harvey Jackins.

I gladly refer you to three inspirational websites that talk about his work:
The official website: https://www.rc.org/
An official site for beginners/outsiders: http://reevaluationcounseling.org/
An alternative critical website: https://dearestharvey.wordpress.com/

About the Author
The author is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (DES - Diethylstilbestrol), born in 1953 to two Dutch survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork, and holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam). He taught Re-evaluation Co-counseling, became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a vegan for 8 years now. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are: his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach and lehavdiel bein chayim lechayim: Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff and Rav Meir Lubin. * Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years he wrote hasbara for the Dutch public. His fields of attention now are varied: Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science, Politics (Israel, the US and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight Truth), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, GLBTQAI, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), Ecology and Veganism. Sometimes he's misunderstood because he has such a wide vision that never fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what many love about him. Many of his posts relate to affairs from the news or the Torah Portion of the Week or are new insights that suddenly befell him. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, reassure the doubters but make the self-assured doubt more. He strives to bring a fresh perspective rather than bore you with the obvious. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds must be disputed. In short, his main political positions are: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, democracy, anti the fake peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, Science, Free Will, anti blaming-the-victim and for down-to-earth optimism. Read his blog how he attempts to bridge any discrepancies. He admits sometimes exaggerating to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quit a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. November 13, 2018, he published his 500st blog post with the ToI. * He likes doing age-appropriate and age-inappropriate things and looks forward to getting to know his timeless mature out-of-the-box soul mate. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. To see other blog posts by him, a second blog - under construction - can be found by clicking on the Website icon next to his picture.
Related Topics
Related Posts
Comments