Curiosity Not Judgement

There are many times in our work with older adults when we face challenges.  Individuals may have complex needs and difficult to manage behaviors.  That’s not their “fault,” as these issues can stem from health changes, cognitive impairment, things that have happened in their lives.  As simplistic as it sounds, they are where they are in many respects. They are not “doing this” to be difficult or upsetting. They are not “doing this” to provoke or wound those who care for them. The challenge, if we are honest, is with ourselves and not the elder.

I have a very dear friend whose father was living with a diagnosis of dementia.  This bright, successful, dignified and kind man acted in ways that were foreign to the person he had been all of his life.  He took food from other people’s plates, he wandered, he confused one space for another and behaved in ways that he would have absolutely deemed inappropriate. She often said that if he knew how he was behaving, he would have been mortified.  And I have no doubt that is the case.

Yet so often our interactions with those with dementia, or others who behave in ways that don’t meet our norms or expectations, cause us to react with anger or revulsion or even fear.  I was having a conversation on this topic with a colleague just the other day and she said something that so resonated with me. She said, succinctly, that we all should remember to substitute curiosity for judgement.

It is incredibly easy to judge.  We do it all day every day.  I am as guilty as the next person, perhaps even more so. But if I have learned anything in my work with older adults, and in my career, it is that my initial snap judgements can be wrong, that I have to acknowledge my reaction and then move past it to find out who the individual really is, not just who I have assumed them to be.  So often I find that my first impression was wrong and so often, I am grateful that I have reserved judgement.

When we have older adults in our lives, personally or professionally, we must work even harder to be curious rather than judgmental.  We must take a step back and try to understand the roots of someone’s behavior.  Are they afraid? Are they disoriented? Are they fighting to be understood and feeling frustrated that they are not? Are they angry at the sense of having lost control of their lives?

Every one of us has a story. Every one of us comes from a unique background and set of experiences.  Every one of us reacts in different ways.  When we treat anyone based on our assumptions and our judgements, rather than trying to understand who they are, we have failed.  As individuals who care for other individuals, we must never forget the importance of digging deeper, of going beyond the surface, or bringing energy to our curiosity—to the why—before we begin to judge.  It is through our curiosity that we understand and we honor each person, helping them to live life to the fullest.