Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Do these lovers have to separate or divorce?

Picture this couple of two people madly in love for many years but seemingly incompatible. Can they still create a peaceful house together, or are they to give up on an impossible dream of a life together?

I will show you that in most cases, they can work it out, if only they would have the right information, analysis, advice, coaching, therapy, patience.

Basics

If there is no violence, don’t split up unless you tried therapy.

The relationship is there for the partners, not the other way around.

What is truly good for one is good for both of them in the longer run. What is truly bad for one is bad for both of them in the longer run.

Many differences may not be compatible but are inconsequential. So, s/he doesn’t like it when I slam the door or pick my nose. S/he’ll get used to it, or I’ll discipline myself to shut doors gently or clean my nose privately.

My mother taught me that you can ruin any relationship by wanting a perfect combination. Do you love opera and your partner hates it? Then, have a steady friend to join you at the opera.

Some ‘difficulties’ just need the notion that your partner is not you and that you can have tolerance for differences. You can simply agree to disagree and leave it at that. Do you have different tastes in music or friends? That makes the couple more diverse and resourceful. It also can help the partners to become more balanced and less extreme. This is also nice if you raise kids or students: that they have options to choose from.

Typically, problems between partners are emotional, not sexual. But, when they are about intimacy, they are important and need to be addressed.

Some important differences seem impossible to live with. But, see below for frequent surprisingly easy of laborious solution options.

Some couples like to fight. Then they feel the least lonely, the most connected. They may also like the reconciliation process (make-up sex). But they might need to learn to argue without either or both getting hurt.

True Incompatibility

Let us admit that some differences cannot be worked out. A few examples.

A woman, tough as a nail, wants a husband who is that too, or she can’t respect him. But her lover is in an emotional whirlwind or roller-coaster. He faithfully visits Emotions Anonymous support groups for years. He’s not getting any calmer. This is not going to work. She will not open up to therapy and will become abusive, and he will first get more emotional for a long time and never be satisfied with a wife who is secretive and cold.

He wants a sit-at-home wife, and she wants to make a carrier above anything else.

One wants to live in Belgium, and the other in the US.

One partner is (a little bit) abusive, and the other feels (a bit) unsafe.

As long as there is no mutual love (willingness to give) or at least deep respect, in my experience, the relationship has no chance to last.

Empathy Works

Empathy can be learned.

If your partner has a wish that you find hard to consider, ask her what her underlying need or belief is. Once you know, it’s easier to accommodate.

When someone is inconsiderate, they are battling old hurt and want help. You may need to set a limit, but someone should ask them how they are.

Incompatibility Could be Superficial

One can talk to see what’s behind their wishes. Motives maybe could be satisfied in other ways. If someone doesn’t want to live in the US because s/he’s afraid of the street violence, then, therapy and self-defense could lower the fear and they could look for peaceful communities to live in.

He certainly wants kids, she desperately doesn’t. Why doesn’t she? * Is she afraid of the pregnancy? Take therapy. Use surrogacy, adoption, or foster care. * Did she have a dysfunctional mother and feel incompetent, or does she not want to hurt her career? She could take up therapy and begin to work with kids. He can take care of the parenting. In the latter case, sign a prenuptial that in case of divorce, the kids go to him. * Doesn’t he provide enough money to raise kids? Let them see if they could earn more or live on less. * Does she hate kids, and he loves them? He could be a teacher.

So, when you know the underlying reason, you can begin to seek solutions. Not by compromising, but by taking care of the needs that each has.

Change

One can’t change someone else.

You also cannot expect your partner to shape up if you hold that you are perfect. Inspire your partner by taking the lead in self-improvement.

Each is responsible for their own well-being and emotional growth. It’s is also possible that each takes responsibility for the well-being of the other. What doesn’t work is when one partner gets all responsibility for the well-being of both partners.

Change slowly so that your partner has time to adjust to the new you.

Wanting to change the other typically comes across as “s/he doesn’t like me.” We all need to be loved exactly as we are, with our lesser qualities still in place. When we feel loved, we may have an easier time freeing ourselves from old trauma. But, when our partner doesn’t love us, we feel stuck. So, you want your partner ‘to change,’ love them more as they are.

High but relaxed expectations combined with patience work.

Ending criticism works wonders.

People can’t change. They only become more themselves. See below.

Only for good qualities, it is good to say: “This is who I am.” But to say this to justify our vices is not good. See below.

Solving Incompatibility Through Free Will

Free Will is the ability to improve oneself. It’s not an ability to randomly change. It is the art of bringing out more of your deepest, best self.

It helps when you understand what is a virtue and what a vice is. You can’t expect yourself or your partner to become less good or holy. But, you may expect either or both of you to increase your goodness or holiness. Ask a wise outsider what direction to go. Or try therapy with a wise person.

For example, one partner is a dedicated sexist, always saying negative things about women and assuming they must just serve, obey, and comfort the men. The partner can request he stops this abuse and gets closer to their own holy soul. The bigot cannot expect the other to ignore this evil. But the other can learn not to take it personally (It is not against you, it has nothing to do with you, it is a flaw in the other), have patience and trust in their love and the ability of the other to change this, and set clear boundaries (“You can’t talk or behave like that anymore”) with a resolute smile. Learn to say no as if you hand someone the moon.

One takes no responsibility for the state of the house. The other should not suffer in silence and be the only one to keep up the living space. Instead, the latter should educate the former. Playing the (secret) victim doesn’t work. Train them to pay attention and act responsibly. If you both love each other, trust that s/he will shape up and become good at this.

No Easy Way Out

Don’t quit too quickly (unless there is violence). Don’t be surprised to find yourself having the same trouble in the next relationship.

You could chauvinistically say that all (wo)men are like that but have you ever looked in the mirror and considered that you’re part of the problem? And even if you’re right, why did you settle for a ‘typical (wo)man’ (again)? Take therapy, and wait till you find an exception to your rule.

Disclaimer: This overview was written in a couple of hours without prior notes. Don’t expect it to cover every relationship or replace every therapy.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. He doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 1400 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me.
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