Eliezer, Yaakov, and the Narcissist’s Welcome
In this past week’s parsha, we meet Lavan for the first time. When Eliezer comes to Rivkah’s family, Lavan is the first to greet him. The pesukim describe their meeting (Bereshis 24:31-33) as follows:
וַיֹּאמֶר בּוֹא בְּרוּךְ ה’ לָמָּה תַעֲמֹד בַּחוּץ וְאָנֹכִי פִּנִּיתִי הַבַּיִת וּמָקוֹם לַגְּמַלִּים. וַיָּבֹא הָאִישׁ הַבַּיְתָה וַיְפַתַּח הַגְּמַלִּים וַיִּתֵּן תֶּבֶן וּמִסְפּוֹא לַגְּמַלִּים וּמַיִם לִרְחֹץ רַגְלָיו וְרַגְלֵי הָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר אִתּוֹ. וַיּוּשַׂם לְפָנָיו לֶאֱכֹל וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא אֹכַל עַד אִם דִּבַּרְתִּי דְּבָרָי וַיֹּאמֶר דַּבֵּר.
He said, “Come, blessed of Hashem! Why are you standing outside, when I have cleared the house and made room for the camels?” The man came into the house, and the camels were unloaded and given straw and feed, and water was brought to wash his feet and the feet of the men with him. Food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have said what I have to say.” And Lavan said, “Speak.
What stands out to me is the extent to which Lavan goes out of his way to endear himself to Eliezer.
As I explain in this article about Lavan (https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/from-haran-to-healing-the-emotional-journey-of-yaakov/), he was the Torah’s quintessential narcissist. One of the first tactics a narcissist uses in a relationship is love bombing, which has two purposes. The first is to show that he is caring and kind. The second is to make the other person feel indebted. Once the receiver accepts the love bombing, it becomes very difficult to push the narcissist away. He then uses the “kindness” he gave to keep the victim ensnared in the toxic relationship. The victim, remembering the good things the narcissist did in the past, hopes that if he just does the right thing, those days of kindness and affection will return.
Eliezer, however, did not take the bait. He does not thank Lavan for his gracious hospitality, and he doesn’t appear to acknowledge him as a person at all. In fact, Eliezer responds by saying, “I will not eat until I have said what I have to say” (24:33), thereby taking control of the conversation.
A few pesukim later, Lavan and Besu’el agree that Rivkah will marry Yitzchok (24:50-51):
וַיַּעַן לָבָן וּבְתוּאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ מֵה’ יָצָא הַדָּבָר לֹא נוּכַל דַּבֵּר אֵלֶיךָ רַע אוֹ טוֹב. הִנֵּה רִבְקָה לְפָנֶיךָ קַח וָלֵךְ וּתְהִי אִשָּׁה לְבֶן אֲדֹנֶיךָ כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר ה’.
Lavan and Besu’el answered and said, “The matter has come from Hashem; we cannot speak to you either bad or good. Here is Rivkah before you; take her and go, and let her be a wife to your master’s son, as Hashem has spoken.
Afterward, Lavan and his mother try to pressure Eliezer into letting Rivkah stay home for an extended time before going to Yitzchok (24:55):
וַיֹּאמֶר אָחִיהָ וְאִמָּהּ תֵּשֵׁב הַנַּעֲרָ אִתָּנוּ יָמִים אוֹ עָשׂוֹר אַחַר תֵּלֵךְ.
Her brother and her mother said, “Let the girl stay with us a few days, or ten; after that she will go.
Had Eliezer fallen for Lavan’s initial tactics, it would have been very difficult to resist this request. Luckily, Eliezer seemed to understand Lavan right away, and so he was able to refuse with relative ease.
Contrast how easily Eliezer avoided Lavan’s toxicity with Yaakov’s difficulty in managing his relationship with Lavan. It shows the struggle that family members have with toxic relatives. It may be easy for those who are more removed to manage their relationships with toxic people, but it often becomes impossible for those in the same family unit.
Ultimately, the solution for Eliezer and Yaakov was the same: separation. Eliezer said (24:56):
וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵהֶם אַל תְּאַחֲרוּ אֹתִי וַה’ הִצְלִיחַ דַּרְכִּי שַׁלְּחוּנִי וְאֵלְכָה לַאדֹנִי.
He said to them, “Do not delay me, since Hashem has made my journey successful. Send me off, and I will go to my master.
Yaakov, after twenty years, said (30:25):
וַיְהִי כַּאֲשֶׁר יָלְדָה רָחֵל אֶת יוֹסֵף וַיֹּאמֶר יַעֲקֹב אֶל לָבָן שַׁלְּחֵנִי וְאֵלְכָה אֶל מְקוֹמִי וּלְאַרְצִי.
When Rachel had given birth to Yosef, Yaakov said to Lavan, “Send me away, and I will go to my own place and to my land.
Eliezer was able to separate within days, while Yaakov reached this point only after twenty years. This contrast shows that even people who are extremely smart and talented, like Yaakov, can fall into a toxic relationship. Their very best qualities, such as being caring, simple, and compassionate, the qualities of an איש תם, can make them more susceptible to being taken advantage of.
What is encouraging is that, despite Yaakov’s difficult circumstances and trauma, he still merited to father the twelve tribes of Israel, of whom we are proud to be descendants more than 3,000 years later.
