A young man hoping to fix his flaws
Empathy and Tisha B’Av
Co-written and edited by Rabbi Neil Fleischmann
Psychologists have been unable to agree on a standard definition for “empathy.” Some have posited it means, “feeling another’s pain.” Others have suggested it means, “accepting another person without judging them.” In my humble opinion, “empathy” refers to “caring about someone else’s problems to an extent where you think about their day-to-day challenges and pray they overcome them.”
Rather than being a Memorial Day of the fallen Temple, Tisha B’Av represents an opportune time for us to experience the pain of peers and friends in our community and to pray for them. Lessons gleaned from recent life experiences and Pirkei Avot have helped me develop enhanced motivation to pray and feel the pain of our Jewish community.
The first experience that helped me become more empathic occurred at a single guy Shabbat meal I attended last year. During the meal, one guest shared a recent dating story. This prompted a few other guests to discuss their ups and downs of shidduch dating. One well-dressed guest offered a notable comment on the subject, “I actually haven’t had a date in four years.” This unexpected comment created immediate silence among everyone there. How could someone handle such loneliness and pain? How could someone be that stuck in their process of dating? This encounter moved me to pray for him to find someone. It also prompted me to pray and think about other single people in our community moving forward.
The second experience occurred at my clinical training sites. Over the last two years, I have delivered psychotherapy as a psychologist in training. Some psychologists and therapists break down patients’ presenting problems into two categories: ordinary problems and functional problems. Patients with ordinary problems make therapy appointments to discuss their frustration about not being able to have a handsome boyfriend, or to discuss their concerns about getting a prestigious summer internship, or a high mark on the LSAT or to discuss conflict in their friend group. Whereas on the other hand, patients with functional problems struggle to have a job, to have any friends, to find a romantic partner they connect with. Meeting patients with functional problems has prompted me to think about and pray for others in our community who just want to become better adjusted.
In Pirkei Avot 6:4, it mentions 48 ways people acquire wisdom. One of the 48 ways is, נוֹשֵׂא בְעֹל עִם חֲבֵרוֹ, “Nosei be’ol im chaveiro—Share in the bearing of the burden of your fellow.” The mishna suggests that everyone can acquire true Torah wisdom by acknowledging and experiencing a fellow’s hardship. Note that the mishna does not say to empathize with everyone at shul or in school or around town, but to feel the pain along with one person. Perhaps a friend of yours struggles to earn a living and endures tremendous financial stress. Perhaps a never married, widowed or divorced friend of yours has nowhere to go for the Jewish holidays and must recite, kiddush, Hamotzi and Havdala on their own. Perhaps a couple on your floor cannot become pregnant. Rather than ignore the financial stress, loneliness or infertility difficulties of others, the mishna recommends us to experience their suffering to the degree possible as if it’s our own.
Over the next three weeks, pray for one of your peers to overcome their biggest obstacles, spend time with one friend in need of help or guidance. Even if we cannot rebuild the Temple, we can at least help someone rebuild themselves.
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